The Worst Day Ever (part 2)

After leaving this dreadful place, I go to see my daughter. I'm so excited. It had been 2 days since I talked to her, and I knew she was missing me so much and I was missing her too. I'm calling my mom on the way over, she's not answering. I'm calling calling calling, finally I'm there.
My mom lives in a building that is managed by an agency that deals with mental health. I've alway's disagreed with her decision to live there, because most of the residents are low-functioning. So anyway, I'm in the entrance, ringing her intercom. She picks up the phone, then hangs up. I try again, this time no answer. So I leave, pissed, thinking that she's avoiding me. I'm crying, I'm calling the DCFS worker, leaving messages for everyone. I've been cleared for supervised visits with my kids, why am I being avoided??? I come home, alone. Mad at the world. My mom's not answering, none of my family have returned my calls, I felt so alone.
I decided to call my new friend. She's so sweet. If it wasn't for her, who knows what would have happened by now. We talk for a while, until I decided that I'd taken up enough of her time, and let her go.
I'm pacing thru the house, calling my mom. What the hell is going on??? Finally I go to my room. I am so depressed. Mad that no one's returning my calls, my ex boyfriend left me alone, my family hasn't even checked on me. I pull out a razor blade. Wondering if I can do it. Feeling sorry for myself. I try cutting, drew a little blood, it hurt like hell. So I called my ex and told him to come pick me up. Thank God, he was right over. I ride around with him for the next three hours, crying and arguing, calling my mom, the worker, pissed.
Finally 3:00 rolls around. Time for the drug test. Tasc, this is the building where parolees and bad moms go to get drug tests. I walk up to the second floor, down the hall, pass by like 12 women and 15 men in line for the bathroom. Head for the office where I'm supposed to check in. I stand there, in line behind three people. It was taking so long. Finally I'm next. The man is moving so damn slow. He looks at me and says "well you might as well take a seat, it's gonna be at least 15 minutes before we can get you in line. No F#C&ING Way. I do not belong here. So I'm like Fu#k it, my mom can keep the damn kids. I'm not doing this every week. I am not going to have the state, the same state that's always denied me help for my kids because I work and want something outta life, dictate my life. Where were they when I needed help on a light bill, or rent, or food? They werent worried about my kids then. Now they wanna get in my business because somebody reported that I use drugs? Not that I hit my kids or leave them alone, or we dont have food or my house is nasty, but because I use drugs, and not even around my kids. This is nuts.
So I leave. My ex is waiting in the car. He was suprised I was done so fast. Then I tell him I'm not doin it. Of coure he yells at me, and I'm crying. Then he sees a friend walking across the street, a lawyer. He calls him over and tells him the situation. Asks him what kind of time frame I'm lookin at if I comply. The lawer says that if I do real good, I could have my kids back in 6 monthss to a year. SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR!!! YOUVE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! My record is spotless. I am not living by their rules for six months to a year. Yeah I want to get clean. But this means that I cant smoke a joint, I can't do anything, not even now and then. No Way. I'll visit with my kids.
So we leave, stop at a couple places. Run into a friend, she talks me into going back.
Same thing, wait 15 minutes. Ok. I can do this. I'm the first one in. There's a lady watching and another taking the test at the same time. I was still sitting on the toilet when they opened the door to let another person in. What the hell, there's no privacy. I can understand the employee, but for people to come in and out and 2 other women to watch me ****. No Way!
So that's over. I'm trippin. Someone calls dcfs and says I do drugs. The kids say they think they've seen stuff in my room. I still dont believe that. I admit to using, but the kids have been with my mom for two months, and I party with friends. If I fail the drop, I'm considered unfit. So they take my kids, they take my rights, they take my privacy and they take my dignity. I'm being treated like a criminal, and I dont have so much as a parking ticket on my record in over 5 years. The worst I've ever done is get a speeding ticket, and that was over 5 years ago. I mean really, is this really necessary? This is unbelievable!
My mom finally calls. I'm so happy, all the kids are home now, I can see everybody. She starts to tell me this story about how she was home when I went over there. One of the workers in her building saw me on the monitor and ran to her apartment. SHE hung up the phone. She wouldnt let her answer. They're arguing, my baby's on the couch, watching me on the monitor, screaming, crying for her mommy. My mom's trying to tell her to move, let her at least answer. This ***** is gonna take it upon herself to call the police on me and have a no tresspass put on me. She filed a report against me and tried to force my mom to get a restraining order. Well thank God I was gone by the time the cops got there because I probably would have went to jail for the first time. I mean really.
So, ok, that's over, can I see the kids now? Well no, because the dcfs worker didn't call her and tell her it was ok. You've gotta be kidding me. I saw him at 9am, its now after 5. Can I at least talk to them on the phone? No, he said absolutely no communication. Really mom, whos gonna know? Well she doesnt wanna break any rules cuz then she can lose the kids.
*******. Keep the damn kids. I'm not goin thru this **** for 6 months to a year. I come home. Thinkin about coke, trying to be strong. *******. What for. I cant comply with these stupid drug tests and these people telling me how to raise my kids. I go get the coke. My ex calls and tells me to call my kids at 7. My son answers the phone. I talk to him for a few and ask to talk to grama. I ask if I could see the kids, she says no. I'm pissed, but whatever. Let me talk to my baby. She's mad cuz I'm pissed, before I know it we're screaming at each other. She hangs up on me. I call my ex, tell him what happened, he's siding with her, I shouldnt be such a *****, she's got the upper hand right now. Now I'm fighting with him. *******.
I get home, crying, up to my room. I might as well put myself outta my misery. I'm hyperventilating everytime I get upset, my psychiatrist cant see me until May 27, they want me clean, this **** is impossible. My razor blade is still sitting on my laptop. I'm fighting with my mom, she hung up on me. I call my ex, he gets a call and wants to call me back. I call my new bf, he's not answering. My family still hasnt called to check on me. I give my ex about ten minutes and call him back. He doesnt answer.
Well, let's see if I can cut my wrists before somebody decides that I need to talk. I get up the courage. I start cutting. I really dont know whats driving me, because I've always found overdose a more peaceful way to go. I'm cutting, taking my time, waiting for someone to rescue me. Finally after like 15 minutes my phone rings. It's my ex, he's outside. I clean up the blood and go out. He's got my kids on the phone. I talk to them for a few minutes, but of course the baby's half asleep. She says she misses me, and I tell her it wont be long. Somebody said some bad things about me and I'm fixing it so I can see her soon. She starts bawling. She thinks I'm in jail. I tell her I'm not, and I'm ok, I love her and will see her tomorrow. The other kids are ok, they understand what's going on. I tell them I love them and to call me whenever they want. Of course I don't show my ex my cuts because he should know that I shouldnt be alone. But screw him, I dont want to be around him anyways.
By the time I get back to my room, my friend calls. Cool. I head to her house, we drink, watch movies, and go to sleep. At least someone cares.
So today, I finally see my kids. It was a nice visit. I missed them so much. But I hate this ****. I can't be left alone in a room with my own kids. My mom can't leave them in the car with me while she runs into KFC. They all have to go. This is crazy. I cant do this. I been clean all day. After dropping off my kids, I pick up my friend. She wants a tattoo, so I go along. Craving coke. Already drank a half pint of vodka and some red bull, still craving. *******.
So I got the coke, did some lines. Now I feel like ****. Why cant I stay away for my kids? God its 6 months to a year. Thats like forever to me. And even if I could stay away from coke, I cant do anything else either. Not even the stuff I dont have a problem with. I can't understand whats the big deal, my kids were already gone when I decided to start using. And the day before this all jumped off, I had a plan to quit. Now I've got so much more to deal with while I'm trying. My psychiatrist should be helping me. Maybe then I'd be able to cope a little better. Maybe then I'd be a little stronger. I'm so pissed at the whole world. I hope I get thru this and get my kids back. If and when I do, I am leaving here and never coming back. I dont care to see my mom or my family ever again. They might as well forget about us, cuz I'm thru with them people. The one time I really need love and support, I'm completely alone. It really just shows me how much they care about me.