Feb 27, 2014
After my boyfriend and i had ended things i was so upset, depressed, so i kept using. It was ok, it made me feel better. So i thought. In all reality it never helped it never made me feel better, it only made my natural feelings become nothing but numb. At the time i thought it was the best feeling, saying to myself no worries i can stop whenever i want. Thinking of me saying that makes me literally laugh out loud. In my mind i was invincible.
The many, many times i had tried to stop using i never was able to. I would always keep going back. The withdrawals were unbearable. But in my mind i liked what i was doing i laid around all day getting high, and not having to go to work, watch tv all day. I thought it was the life to live. As i was doing absolutely nothing, I had the opportunity to get clean or go to jail. I apparently chose jail.
The night of May 7 2012, I had just gotten home from being out all night using crack cocaine. All i wanted to do was be at home and sleep my little heart out. I was about to smoke some weed to put me to sleep, I loaded a very decent piece of heroine on a sheet of tin foil, I smoked a few hits and then received a phone call. Someone wanting to buy some. I told them to come by my house and i will meet them.
I was outside smoking a cigarette, waiting for my customers to come stop by my house. As i am about to put my cig out and go walk up to the vehicle, I see a cop car coming in at the main entrance of my condo, I then look to the side entrance of the condos and i see another police car pulling in. At that very moment i knew exactly why they were there....for me!!!
I stayed outside as they walked up to my condo door, my roommate and her boyfriend open the door and invite them into the house. My roommate called the police about a marijuana smell, which they could not smell, and wanted me to get in trouble for it. She pointed me out to the officers so they had an idea of who i was. They came a spoke with me about a smell they got a call about and they have probable cause to search my place. Not wanting to argue I allowed them to take a look. Right as they open my bedroom door they see the tin foil and case i carry it in. Right then they told me if i have anything else to tell them or they will find it anyways. Everything i had was on my bed side table anyways, so i told them everything is right there.
They handcuffed me, put me in the car, and drove me to utah county. I cried the whole way there. I had never been in trouble before, how were my withdrawals going to be, what was my parents going to say, What were my friends going to say, what was the judge going to say, and will i even get out anytime soon. Luckily it was my first offence so they allowed me to get out with a very very cheap bail. The stipulation was i had to go to treatment and go home with my parents. Right as i got out the first thing i did was get my car and go to the hotel to get more heroin.
Jail did not stop me from using, nothing could at this point. for the next year all i did was use all i cared about was my next fix. It was an on and off battle between my family and i personally just stopped caring. I lived with my friend Rolf and Colby in a motel. We just wanted to live our own life without anyone telling us what to do. Which we did.
For the next while i stopped talking to everyone i care about. I thought i was better off on my own. In my mind i needed no one. and thats the way i kept it for a while.