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Was it me?

Mar 04, 2014 - 55 comments

Deep breaths

In
Out
In
Out

I need some input.

So last night I was making dinner. It was hot in our apartment because I had the stove on. So I had my comfies on. Comfy pants and a tank top. Now keep in my mind this tank top shows ZERO. NO extra skin, NO boobies, NO cleavage. NOTHING. Only thing was I didn't have a bra on underneath. I'm at home, I can wear whatever the heck I want.

So anyway, there was a knock at the door. I looked at DH and he was busy helping Preston with his dinner. So I answered the door. It was the landlord coming by for rent. This was the last person I was expecting to see cause he never comes at dinner time.

So while I was getting dinner on the table, DH asked me why I answered the door like that. I stopped for a moment and I said i'm sorry. Then he made a rude comment. So I said I didn't answer the door naked or have my boobs hanging out. And then he said well there's my answer.  So I said what's the difference between having a bra on or not having one on. He looked at me like I was crazy. And I said no I want to know what the difference is. He said it doesn't matter. I don't give a f*ck anymore. I don't want a wife like THAT. Wtf?!?!?!

So dinner was silent. It's never been that silent at the dinner table before. Even Reilly who never stops talking was quiet the whole time. He just kept looking between me and DH. He's never really seen us argue.

The whole evening was silent. We never talked to each other. I couldn't look at him. Even when we went to bed, I never kissed him goodnight or said I love you. I ended up sleeping on the couch.

This morning was just as quiet. Didn't give him a kiss bye or I love you.

So i'm wondering...was it me? Was I being insensitive? Or sl*ttish as he implied? Or was he being an @sshole? If it was me, then I'll apologize.

I would like both male and female input on this.

Thanks



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by mele48, Mar 04, 2014
So sorry you're all going through this.

Pardon me for being blunt, but I'm going to go with a$$hole on this one.  Him, I mean.  It was your home, you can wear what you want, and it's not like you were wearing a lace teddy or something.  To be honest, I don't think you've done anything to apologize for.  It sounds like he's got a different issue he's not talking about.

Hope things get better for you all~

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
See I didn't think it was me either. He definitely has insecurity issues.

Thanks for your input

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by jugglin, Mar 04, 2014
OK, so DH knew what u were wearing but didn't answer the door in place of u...regardless of what he was doing with Preston?  I think he was being an a$$hole. I do not think for one minute u were being slutty. I am sure I wouldn't have thought twice about it if I were in ur shoes and would have just answered the door.  However, with that said.  It wasn't worth making the rest of the night miserable...much less the tension this morning.  Life is too short for u both to be letting this incident make u angry with each other. If it were me I would shoot him a text or call him and just apologize for letting the episode get out of hand.  Just let him know u love him and that u didn't mean to offend him...u were simply answering the door and it didn't occur to you...that you don't go to the grocery store that way.  I think he may have been a bit crabby and lashed out at that particular time.  Then it just built up from there.
It's ok for our kids to see us disagree as long as they see us make up as well.
I hope that u have a great night of making up! :)

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by nonights, Mar 04, 2014
Sista IM WITH YOU. Its his insecurities. Wear what you want to or not to. Hell just have to deal with it. While you could let him get door next time and put something on over if YOU WANT TO. Is he the type to try and punish you by not talking? I'm married to one that would. So I do not get caught up in this drama. I do what I want. He can come along if he wants but I'm not putting up with this type of behavior any more.

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by ROSYouralright, Mar 04, 2014
I definitely have to go with a$$hole on this one! You were AT HOME cooking dinner for your HUSBAND & BOYS! Doesn't sound at all slutty to me!! Don't let him make you feel bad bc of HIS insecurities!!! Not like you were in booty shorts and even if you were you were AT HOME and didnt expect company! Your DH owes you an apology and should NEVER talk to you like that especially in front of your boys!

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by specialmom, Mar 04, 2014
Ugh.  Sorry to hear this.  I swear, silence can speak louder than words.  It's a deadly weapon sometimes!  

Clearly your husband over reacted.  The circumstances of the event are that someone knocked, he was busy, you spontaneously opened the door.  You didn't have on a bra but wasn't thinking about that when you opened the door, I'm sure.  Your husband didn't have a problem with you being braless just around the house when he got home, did he?  Had he opened the door while you were in the kitchen and you didn't hear him, you could have walked out into the room in the same attire and would THAT be bad?  

What is hurtful is his words.  We all do things that annoy our partner from time to time.  And it is good to let the other know even if it is unreasonable.  But what ISN'T okay is to take it to the next level and say something as hurtful and BIG as "I don't want a wife like that".  You will have the sound of him saying that playing in your head for a LONG time.  THOSE are the things that do damage to a relationship.

Now, where do you go from here.  My advice would be to set aside some time to talk tonight when the kids go to bed.  You can say that you went to the door without thinking and really 'forgetting' you didn't have a bra on as you didn't feel like that tank was really revealing (which is why you were wearing it around the house).  You just weren't really thinking about it.  If he'd like you to cover up before answering the door, you'll try to remember that spur of the moment.  (we sometimes have to give a little).  BUT . . .  what he said to you was totally over the top and a reaction you weren't expecting.  Ask him to explain what exactly he meant by he 'wouldn't want to be married to someone like that".  Let him talk and let it sink in how horrible and hurtful those words are that he said to you.  This is also a good time to uncover if he is having any other issues and this was just a symptom of that (overreaction to something can be).  

But, I don't think you did anything wrong.  He did.  But, I know you want peace in your home so then you have to figure out how to move past it.  :>)

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by msdelight, Mar 04, 2014
A S S H O L E. !!!! He should be happy you are alive and have actual breasts to be lady like or slutty with as you wish!  HIS problem HIS agenda. ..YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!

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by msdelight, Mar 04, 2014
Ok I've calmed down now. If he is anything like my DB he is probably horny and bemoaning the fact that his lovely wife is not pushing the baby carriage looking anything less than vouge. And wondering why you don't "dress up for him anymore " like especially late at night wink wink. Motherhood is the most misunderstood job in the universe. Hope that helps. Don't be sad

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Thanks everyone for your comments.

J - yes he knew what I was wearing before I answered the door. It was a miserable night and morning. So I might just have to bite the bullet and send him that text. Though i'm not the one who should be apologizing. We'll see how this goes....

Nonights - oh yes this is not the first time we've done the silent treatment. He's always had insecurities. But I thought we'd moved past that. He just wasn't making a move to get up and answer the door so I did.

Rosy - I didn't think it was slutty either. He very rarely talks to me like that. But when you say something like that in anger, you can't take it back.

Sm - it's true. Silence can "kill". I absolutely hate the silent treatment. Nope he doesn't cause I don't wear one at home. I hate the dang things. Our door is in the kitchen, so even if he had opened the door, our landlord still would have seen me. So i'm not sure what the difference is. Yep i'm still hearing him say that. And yes I probably will for a while. I really don't know how this conversation is going to go tonight, but i'm planning on having a talk with him. I would like some peace back in our household.

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
MsD - It's true that I don't get dressed up like I used too. Before becoming a sahm, I got dressed up for work everyday. Dress pants and a nice shirt etc...and he has said that he likes that. But I don't have a reason to dress up like that anymore. And thinking about your comment about being horny yeah that he would be. We haven't had sex in a little over a week. But that's only because I've been really sick. And he sees that. And I did say no the other night when he asked if I wanted to fool around because I was still sick. So whether that's some of the issue, perhaps. It's one of the most misunderstood, over worked, underpaid jobs in the world

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by msdelight, Mar 04, 2014
My husband's other head NEVER sees the fact that I am sick, tired, beat up, dead, whatever! LMAO!!! In it's mind it is the answer to all my problems!
The big head is still quite jealous of the fact that I put so much energy into the kids and feels like he comes last. Problem is that he doesn't see that I come last!  It's a conundrum for sure. Of course you don't put on dress pants to care for house and kids all day. He needs to be more understanding and nurturing.
Whatever you do don't try to be the do it all, be it all,  supermom and wife. That is precisely what kept most of us gals on the addiction forum using!
Live life on your own terms. You come first. Then the partnership with DH IF it is loving, nontoxic and viable.  And then of course the children. Many times they will come first. Just remember though that if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy!   Hugs, MsD

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
LOL MsD. That's the only head my husband thinks with I swear! And he has no problem telling me that sex is the answer to all. If i'm sick, we should have sex because it's cardiovascular and that will help me feel better. He would also disagree that I come last because he likes to buy me things. I've tried being superwoman, and like to think I did a pretty good job of it. But it wore me down. So I gave up. Haha ain't that the truth. Happy wife, happy life. Hugs

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by Bubbleguppie100, Mar 04, 2014
No, it wasn't you. You weren't be " sluttish" the first thing I do when I get home, is take my bra off. So, I feel you wanting to be comfy. I'm sorry about ur argument. Maybe ur DH is on his period? Lol

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by EvolverU, Mar 04, 2014
Hi Shannon! I'm sorry that you were made to feel uncomfortable this way! (I know it's a terrible feeling.)) Guys (in my experience) are funny about these things & tend to be possessive & often have fragile egos. This was an unfortunate situation. First, I think that the landlord had no f'n business making any comment at all..at all. (WTF?) Ideally, DH would have defended you or said something comforting after the jerk left. However, he didn't & somehow the guy's question got under his skin. Would it be possible to open this up w/ him in a calm & earnest way when he comes home? (Making some of the very points in the above comments & mine?) I'd let him know how hurtful his comment was to you & how you sat w/ it all last night & today & that you'd like to clear the air. You could also point out that it's not healthy for your child to absorb this sort of thing. Hoping that you guys are able to talk through this soon. (Then you can give him that kiss & hug & tell him that was for this morning:)) Let us know how you're doing. (Men, ..ha! You gotta' deal w/ them 'cause the alternative, well..the alternative is a very short haircut, a wallet chained to your belt loop & plenty of Indigo Girls & regular attendance @ 'Feminist' poetry slams. (NOT that there's anything wrong w/ that..[smile])

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by MeYeah, Mar 04, 2014
He should have answered the door even if he was feeding the baby. My husband would never let me answer the door if i wasn't dressed properly in his opinion. Not that I think you have to wear a bra or anything.

If it was me in this situation, I would talk to him about it. Tell him your concerns and Ask him for his. Then make an agreement. If this makes you feel bad I will not do _______. That way you both have an understanding.

I don't think you should have to change who you are for him but if something small upsets him maybe it's worth it to take that out of the picture.

My husband and I don't fight, we get silent too and then we have discussions when we've calmed. We've only actually got MAD at each other a couple times in the last 6 years. Having actual discussions once calmed is very very helpful. Finding out and ACTIVELY LISTENING to each others concerns will go far. Finding a compromise is the key.



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by KTowne, Mar 04, 2014
I agree, his insecurities, if he didn't want you answering the door like that, he should have dropped what he was doing and did it! You have no reason to be feeling any kind of way, its doubtful your landlord even noticed!

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by KTowne, Mar 04, 2014
And I hope you have him read these responses, you have put up with SO much lately that he could help with, regarding Preston and have bit your tongue to avoid confrontation, for him to easily be that rude and disrespectful is beyond ridiculous!

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by zerokewl123, Mar 04, 2014
Hello Shannon I saw this and decided to add my two cents. I dont know you but. It was on him( for whatever reason he was probably being crabby) but I mainly wanted to say that I personally never let me wife go to bed without a kiss and I love you as for you never know if you or your partner well wake up and you cant take somthing like that back...Life is too short for petty stuff to make us mad. anyway hope this helps you. have a blessed day.

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
BG - It's what I do too. I hate bras and wish I didn't have to wear them period. Lol it was his period or PMS or something!

E - I had to go back and re-read my post to make sure I didn't put something wrong. The landlord never said anything. My husband has a VERY fragile ego. Haha can't live with them, can't live without them. Lol nothing wrong with that at all.

MeYeah - I even looked at him to see if he was going to answer the door and he made no move to get up. So I answered it. We don't fight either. We've never had a "fight". Disagreements yes. Communication and compromise are 2 big things in any relationship

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by ariley13, Mar 04, 2014
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Shannon It sounds like a major insecurity on DH's part. Like you say, it's not as f you answered the door buck naked! I know that I, like most women prefer to take off my bra and get comfy once I am home for the night and settled. Nothing wrong with that. It sounds like DH is making a mountain out of a mole hill here and you are unfortunately the one getting the wrath. I hope all settles down soon at home and DH starts making changes to his attitude. This isn't the first time you've been hurt or upset by inappropriate, snide comments that he has made. I know we all have our moments and days, but it becomes unfair and a huge problem when it's an ongoing thing. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love.

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by EvolverU, Mar 04, 2014
Oops! (My bad, Shannon! Typical of me.) Well, it makes it marginally worse that the landlord didn't say anything but the fact remains that it's coming out of his insecurity, etc.  Hey, I'll second my flatmate ariley13 on the bra thing. (Burn 'em says I.) Why shouldn't you be able to relax this way?

Good for you Zero/Zorro!! (Nice to see you!) A man brave enough to post on this. RESPECT! (I think he's so on the $ re: 'petty stuff' & life being too short. :))



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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Ktowne - I have bitten my tongue so much I think i've bitten the tip off. And yes he could have answered the door regardless, but the landlord would still have seen me. You're right, I don't think he would have cared. He was there to get money. *shrug*.

Zero - Thanks for your 2 cents. I needed a male opinion to figure this out. And you hit the nail right on the head when you say you never know what tomorrow will bring. You have a blessed day too.

Ang - When I said that to him, he just didn't seem to get it. It's like in his head he's thinking I did answer the door naked. In his eyes I might as well have. I hope it settles down soon too cause this s*cks. Thank you. We all deserve to be treated like that

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Haha no worries E. I would burn all my bras too if I didn't need them! Zero absolutely is right on the money. We're only for a short time. Like the song by Trooper goes "we're here for a good time, not a long time"

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by mhv, Mar 04, 2014
Don't apologize.  You can make the first step, but tell him you think he over reacted to the situation, and that you would like to sit down and talk about it.  He knew what you had on before you answered the door, so he should have answered it if there was an issue.  Words can hurt.  :(

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Words can hurt indeed. They can be double edge swords. That's what I was thinking mhv

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by weaver71, Mar 04, 2014
I didn't read all the replies, don't want to skew my view. I would guess you both over reacted. He had a jealous or uncomfortable feeling and you joined him in his discomfort. I wouldn't have said that. I would laugh if my wife opened the door totally nude. If she wants to go somewhere else or be with another, I have no control over that. I have to be so etching worth sticking around for. I encourage my wife to do the same. If I said what he said to my wife, she would probably laugh. It's easy to chase each other's insecurities into a hole and so it works better to realize all people are ridiculous. I'd tell him if he thought you looked so hot, why didn't he make a move? He probably would have responded better had it been a quip at the moment, but I'm still curious about that one.

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by KTowne, Mar 04, 2014
Well you better hide next time, lol! My dh was this way with breastfeding in a quiet corner of any public place, completely covered! We had our disagreements about it but in the end he knew his point was a little ridiculous and unfounded, who knows, maybe he's quiet because he's embarrassed about what he said.

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by mhv, Mar 04, 2014
And my hubby wouldn't have cared.  Of course I have teeny tiny boobs!!  Haha!  He tells me I  should go bra less, bit I need the padding!  Haha

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by ariley13, Mar 04, 2014
Free the Boobies!! (Let's stat a movement here!!) Burn the bras and let them free girls!! ;)

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by melimeli, Mar 04, 2014
I hate bras, that being said guys do see this differently than we do.  They are very attracted to a woman when she is not wearing a bra, they see it as very se xual.  He doesn't want anyone else to see his territory ;) and doesn't want you to freely let another man see it.  It is childish but so are men.  He handled it wrong but you have to try to see it from his point of view.  He is a male, he is different, they are all visual (we are not) they are all visual so he does not want another many seeing that visual. Ask yourself:  is this the mountain you want to die on?  Can you see it from this male point of view? Or do you have to be right according to the female point of view?

I would say, Honey, I wasn't looking at it from a male point of view.  In a female point of it is fine but I realize that both you and the person at the door were males so I may have been looking at it wrong. I am sorry I just didn't realize.  

I think that would make things better.  Next time you can just ask him to get the door cause you don't have a bra on. ;)

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by weaver71, Mar 04, 2014
Girls burned bras in the streets of Cali for decades, the 1000 boob march would go through Humboldt a few times a year, back in the 90's while I lived there. The East Coast is way to uptight about many things, boobs being a more or less big problem for them.

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by EvolverU, Mar 04, 2014
Ha! Weaver! How'd I know I'd hear about how relaxed these things are in CA from you:) I keep hearing how 'puritanical' we are over here in Victoriana from folks who live there. (There's probably something in that but judging from the above female comments it seems to be mostly a male thing re: bras. Unfortunately, both the corset & bra were invented by women! You'd think guys would be all for the no bra thing [maybe that's why our hyper-modest forebearers invented the darn things to begin with.])

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by msdelight, Mar 04, 2014
Well hot dang today is fat Tuesday and in honor of all boobs on this forum I lift my braless shirt to thee! Send beads please!

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by msdelight, Mar 04, 2014
Weaver its too damn cold to go topless here! It is a VERY good thing for the world that I do not live in California! LMAO!

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by zerokewl123, Mar 04, 2014
Its just more fun in Cali! glad I live here

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by IBKleen, Mar 04, 2014
Just my opinion---there is something else going on with him. there is more to the story and it wounds like he is looking for a way out. I am sorry for you honey. You don't deserve this. Stay strong and know that it is NOT you.

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by melimeli, Mar 04, 2014
looking for a way out?  that's a big leap

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by nonights, Mar 04, 2014
Her boobies were not looking for a way out. I didn't burn my bra I just don't wear it. Wear shirts with lots of prints. They just hurt too damn much.

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by nonights, Mar 04, 2014
Her boobies were not looking for a way out. I didn't burn my bra I just don't wear it. Wear shirts with lots of prints. They just hurt too damn much.

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Weaver - you and my DH are cut from a different cloth. He has a lot of insecurities. He's had them for years. Even longer then i've known him. And he would not laugh in any way, shape or form if I answered the door in the nude. I thought his insecurities were getting better, but they seem to be getting worse.

Ktowne - maybe it's possible. We've started texting now. So at least we're talking now. It's a start.

Mhv - lol I don't think it would matter if I had small boobs. Which I do not.

Meli - okay point taken. I never thought of it that way. Thank you for giving me another perspective. I will remember that one.

IBK - No he's definitely not looking for a way out. It's just his insecurities coming out

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by weaver71, Mar 04, 2014
@Annie. I don't think my wife could survive without a bra. It's not that you aren't allowed to wear them, it's just not part of dress code. It's too cold in Humboldt too, they all put their shirts back on afterward, that's more of a shirtless march, bras are long gone for those who don't need one.  Some of the best people I've met are from back east, some of them marched to free boobs. It is true, there is by nature more European influence in "New England." We have more Cowboy/Mexican/Spanish/Pioneer/ Indian roots out West. There's plenty of rules though, more laws than standards. Less etiquette and formalities you might say.

@Shannon-It does seem like a petty thing for such a strong reaction, I wonder what is really bothering him.





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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
I thought so too weaver. Maybe I'll see if I can get it out of him tonight

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by EvolverU, Mar 04, 2014
How are you feeling Shannon? Any better for getting this down on virtual paper & getting some feedback?

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by mhv, Mar 04, 2014
That's what I think. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart.  No saying hurtful things, a honest talk about what he is dealing with.  But you cannot feed his insecurities! you need to be able to walk around and not feel like its on egg shells.  If you are comfortable with answering the door bra less, so be it!!
Ask him what his reaction would have been had it been a female on the other side of the door!!!  

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by KTowne, Mar 04, 2014
When my DH is acting very rude and disrespectful, it's usually something completely different bothering him, money, work stress, etc. and we get the wrath, I'm sure it was nothing personal, just a rude man moment, lol!! I'm glad you guys are talking now, but I know when my DH talks to me disrespectfully he will usually avoid me out of embarrassment.

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by Ellen038, Mar 04, 2014
Shannon I'm sorry he's the ******* here and I think there is something larger or unrelated bothering him. We seldom answer the door here and if I did (without a bra) someone might get hurt with the girls loose lol. I don't think you should apologize but I do think talking about it and whatever else needs to be done. I would be upset that your boys had to whiteness that and the silence ever since the supposed incident.  He's the one who owes you an apology. Hope it can be resolved this evening. Next time leave whoever knocking away at the door until he answers it, that way no matter how you are dressed (or not dressed) is not an issue. SHEESH!!

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
E - I'm not sure yet.  I guess I'll feel better once I get to talk to him. I have lots of useful information here.

Mhv - If it had been a female instead of a male, he likely wouldn't have thought twice about it. I think that's going to be the best approach for our discussion.

Ktowne - Well it is true when they say that when we have a bad day, our loved ones closest to us get the brunt of it. When I was texting him I said I love you and he said it back. So that's something I wasn't expecting. So it's possible he's feeling bad.

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Ellen - That's my plan now. I'm just not answering the door anymore when he's home. Yeah the boys definitely didn't need to see it. Preston's too young still but Reilly definitely does. I hope it gets resolved tonight too

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by Ellen038, Mar 04, 2014
Yeah, the boys don't need to see/hear that garbage. It just teaches them it's ok to talk to someone that way. Sorry my phone corrected my witness to whiteness... Not sure what that's all about.

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by Shannon79, Mar 04, 2014
Exactly! I don't want my boys thinking it's okay to talk to women like that.  Not gentlemanly at all. Haha no worries. I didn't even notice

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by Llindar, Mar 04, 2014
you did nothing wrong.... your husband should see our neighbor's wife and the way she dresses - got two small children and altough she's very young but not THAT attractive she's always showing off a bit of this and that.... I hope soon he's going to apologoize and that should happen in front of the kids as well!

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by mhv, Mar 04, 2014
I am glad I could help :)  You know, they say a father teaches his son how to treat women, ask him if he wants his sons to treat their girlfriends, wives the same way someday.  I know jealousy can cause a lot of issues in a relationship. I hope he can realize how much you love him...remind him you MARRIED HIM!!!  If you wanted to be with others...you would have never taken such a step.  :).

Please let us know how your talk goes!!!!!

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by laureninlove, Mar 04, 2014
Sounds to me like he has a bug on his back about something else as that's silly!! If it bothered him that much he could hVe offered to answer the door for you. Personally I hate answering the door in my nightwear...I wear a nightshirt WITH trousers I hate wearing them without...so if we order takeout hubby always answers door or when he's annoyed me by refusing to answer I run upstairs to grab a dressing gown...I dunno why really I think I personally don't like answering the door n something someone may laugh at cos I wear silly slogan tops and my nipples might be on show haha.

NO excuse for him to tell you off!!! If it were my hubby he would never react like that. Please clear the air as life is short and it's not worth being short with each other over. I don't wanna be morbid but anything could happen I always think about this when I fall out with my hubby and realise I never wanna leave the house/his side without making up and saying I love you. It's really not worth it so you two need to talk about it especially now the dust has settled somewhat from the heat of the moment. <3

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by Shannon79, Mar 05, 2014
Thanks girls. We had a chat last night (keeping these comments in mind) and it feels much better around here.

Thanks to everyone for their input!

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by mhv, Mar 06, 2014
Yay!!  I was wondering how things went

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