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Just Upset
Jul 03, 2009 12:57PM
- 6 comments
So I need another vent! My DH is home due to having the stomach flu (he works 2nd shift) I am usually alone at night, which is nice cause I get stuff done around the house and since this loss I've been having time for myself to grieve..And while he knows I am sad I havent really shared with him how I feel since this all happend. So last night while I was online chatting with a friend , my friend asked me if I was sad for MJ..and I said no not really..then I said to my hubby I am more sad that my baby is dead then MJ..(took him about 10 min to get up come over by me and say no our baby and give me a kiss) and Ive been having cramps and he asked me if I was still having them and I said yes but my heartache hurts more..and he looked at me a little surprised.
.I said to him are you surprised I said that..and he said yes..I understand that its easier for him cause he wasnt really attached , I dont think the reality of a baby had sunk in yet..(he was super happy about the baby) ..even he said Its different for him..the baby was inside of me and he knows I was attached to it already...but he said to me there was nothing we could do about it..which i know that..I guess Im just upset because he isnt as upset and that he doesnt really ask me how I am feeling emotionally..only physically...and its hard to talk about it cause I just end up crying..(he did tell me its not good to keep it bottled up) but I would like it if he just asked me about how im feeling emotionally.
.I told him I dont really tell him willingly cause I feel like he would think it was stupid..which he said he didnt think that..IDK maybe im still hormonal! And everyone says dont worry you guys can try again..(he says that to) but thats not the point!! I guess I dont want to stress him out either (with his company doing layoffs) he has enough to worry about..IDK..am I being stupid? Am I expecting to much? Ugh I just feel like screaming sometimes...!!! Dont get me wrong..My DH is the best person in the world and I am so lucky to have him! He has helped me alot physically...but IDK maybe he doesnt know how to emotionally..We have been thru alot on this ttc journey and he has helped me thru my tears...maybe its me ,,maybe im not opening up to much either..I dont want to keep crying and being sad so thats probaby why Im not talking to him about it..Im just confused and frustrated and upset! I just wanted to get this off my chest!
Also one of our friends is having a bday party for their 1 yr old..and none of the friends that are going to be there know about the pregnancy or ectopic..DH says its up to me if we go..which I do want to go , to get out of the house and be around friends..but at the same time its gonna be so hard cause of all the kids there...Also I dont know if I want to say anything to anyone, I dont know how long I will last without cracking. And if we dont go and they ask me later why we didnt, I dont want to lie because that would make me feel like this baby was a bad thing..did that make sense? IDK...do I go and if someone asks something than say something..and go and then leave when it gets to be to much..IDK..
Hugs,
Lily
.I said to him are you surprised I said that..and he said yes..I understand that its easier for him cause he wasnt really attached , I dont think the reality of a baby had sunk in yet..(he was super happy about the baby) ..even he said Its different for him..the baby was inside of me and he knows I was attached to it already...but he said to me there was nothing we could do about it..which i know that..I guess Im just upset because he isnt as upset and that he doesnt really ask me how I am feeling emotionally..only physically...and its hard to talk about it cause I just end up crying..(he did tell me its not good to keep it bottled up) but I would like it if he just asked me about how im feeling emotionally.
.I told him I dont really tell him willingly cause I feel like he would think it was stupid..which he said he didnt think that..IDK maybe im still hormonal! And everyone says dont worry you guys can try again..(he says that to) but thats not the point!! I guess I dont want to stress him out either (with his company doing layoffs) he has enough to worry about..IDK..am I being stupid? Am I expecting to much? Ugh I just feel like screaming sometimes...!!! Dont get me wrong..My DH is the best person in the world and I am so lucky to have him! He has helped me alot physically...but IDK maybe he doesnt know how to emotionally..We have been thru alot on this ttc journey and he has helped me thru my tears...maybe its me ,,maybe im not opening up to much either..I dont want to keep crying and being sad so thats probaby why Im not talking to him about it..Im just confused and frustrated and upset! I just wanted to get this off my chest!
Also one of our friends is having a bday party for their 1 yr old..and none of the friends that are going to be there know about the pregnancy or ectopic..DH says its up to me if we go..which I do want to go , to get out of the house and be around friends..but at the same time its gonna be so hard cause of all the kids there...Also I dont know if I want to say anything to anyone, I dont know how long I will last without cracking. And if we dont go and they ask me later why we didnt, I dont want to lie because that would make me feel like this baby was a bad thing..did that make sense? IDK...do I go and if someone asks something than say something..and go and then leave when it gets to be to much..IDK..
Hugs,
Lily
what does DH mean?!?!?
DH= Dear Husband
Lily, first of all you are not being stupid at all. Men don't actually "get" the whole ttc thing and carrying a child for the obvious reasons. As women, or for myself anyways, I know I felt like a total failure. I felt like I wasn't even a woman because I couldn't do the one natural thing our bodies were "meant" to do. Mens brains are wired so differently. I don't know of one man who openly say let's sit down and talk about this and how you are feeling. It seems as though the women are the ones who always have to do this, and we feel like we are bothering them and we shouldn't. No matter how long it takes or how often we need to talk about it, our spouses need to listen. I'm sure they get sick of it, but we get sick of feeling the way we do and I know it helps to talk about these things. It is also theri job as our life partner to be there when we do need to talk. Sometimes it seems like men think if they ignore the situation it will go away and then we think they could care less because they never bring it up.
Think of how your dh would feel if this whole ttc struggle was because of him. Maybe next time you guys talk about this you can ask him this very question, delicately of course because you don't want him to feel your attacking him, then it would just end up in an arguement or fight. Ask him to really put himself in your shoes. Trust me, men would not be able to deal with it as gracefully as we do sometimes.
I have had to talk to my husband about very very difficult things, but I always felt better afterward, whether he got it or not, just to get it off my chest and have him listen made a difference. Also, if they atleast try to understand that helps to rather than just blowing you off. Maybe when his flu is gone you guys can sit and talk and you should say to him everything you just wrote about.
I hope you do talk to him and I hope he listens to you.
Love
Jamie
Think of how your dh would feel if this whole ttc struggle was because of him. Maybe next time you guys talk about this you can ask him this very question, delicately of course because you don't want him to feel your attacking him, then it would just end up in an arguement or fight. Ask him to really put himself in your shoes. Trust me, men would not be able to deal with it as gracefully as we do sometimes.
I have had to talk to my husband about very very difficult things, but I always felt better afterward, whether he got it or not, just to get it off my chest and have him listen made a difference. Also, if they atleast try to understand that helps to rather than just blowing you off. Maybe when his flu is gone you guys can sit and talk and you should say to him everything you just wrote about.
I hope you do talk to him and I hope he listens to you.
Love
Jamie
Lily,
I can relate, when our 4th iui failed I was so heart broken and emotionally damaged I really needed Dh to be there. I felt like I was more upset than he was. So I talked to him about it and he said that on the inside he was extremely devastated, but felt like he had to take a step back to allow me to grieve more since it was my body. He didn't really know his place in all this. Guys like to fix things. When we go to them with a problem and all we want to do is vent, they want to solve it. Maybe your husband doesn't really know what you are needing. I agree with Jamie, sit down with him and specifically tell him what you are feeling and what you need from him. Maybe he is just as sad and confused as you are. You need each other the most during this time. I'm thinking of you, and sending sticky baby dust!
I can relate, when our 4th iui failed I was so heart broken and emotionally damaged I really needed Dh to be there. I felt like I was more upset than he was. So I talked to him about it and he said that on the inside he was extremely devastated, but felt like he had to take a step back to allow me to grieve more since it was my body. He didn't really know his place in all this. Guys like to fix things. When we go to them with a problem and all we want to do is vent, they want to solve it. Maybe your husband doesn't really know what you are needing. I agree with Jamie, sit down with him and specifically tell him what you are feeling and what you need from him. Maybe he is just as sad and confused as you are. You need each other the most during this time. I'm thinking of you, and sending sticky baby dust!
Hey Jamie& Alli,
Just wanted to say that we did have a conversation about what I was feeling and everything is great..yep he wasnt sure on how to react or what I really needed..well anyway, I am feeling much better..I still have my moments but it has gotten a little easier..Its kinda weird cause ever since this has happend I have and my mother has ran into people (one was a nurse) who have been thru an ectopic and then went on to have normal pregnancies! Which is reasuring and great to hear..
Thanks again ladies!
Love,
Lily
Just wanted to say that we did have a conversation about what I was feeling and everything is great..yep he wasnt sure on how to react or what I really needed..well anyway, I am feeling much better..I still have my moments but it has gotten a little easier..Its kinda weird cause ever since this has happend I have and my mother has ran into people (one was a nurse) who have been thru an ectopic and then went on to have normal pregnancies! Which is reasuring and great to hear..
Thanks again ladies!
Love,
Lily
Anytime. We are here for you. That's what is so great about this website is you are surrounded by women who understand and can relate. My sister is about to embark on IVF and I told her to sign up.
I am so glad you and your husband talked, it will be so much better for the both of you.
XOXOX take care.
Alli
I am so glad you and your husband talked, it will be so much better for the both of you.
XOXOX take care.
Alli
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