All Journal Entries
Journals
Previous
|
Next
where I went wrong.........
Jul 03, 2009 04:47PM
- 3 comments
For me it all started with a horrible car crash when I was young,back in the 80's. I never had to take pain pills, and actually use to despise them back then. when I was in the hospital having steel rods put in and my L2,L3 fused they had me on morphine back then, I remember trying to get a nurse to give more and she started to say no, learn to live without it !! well, I broke the rods out, another whole story there of wild youth, but I felt soooooooo much better with them out. always had some pain issues, and just lived with it.
But as the years went by, bone spurs and other issues started driving me nuts. there were days where I could climb a tree and carry 3/4 plywood no problem, but then other times , I could barely walk and was in major misery. about 5 years ago, after a major lock up spell, I finally was tired of it. I then started taking a few vikes......... It was like oh, wow man this feels great !! just like everyone else,that becomes addicted to narcotics. It took more for me to end the pain so I strated getting norcos...... then I started using up the whole sript, and started doing more. all of sudden a few years back it turned into 7-9 norcos a day.
then one day a lady decides to make a left turn in front of me while I was going 50 mph, down a two way street. she total out a $4000 nisan that I bought to sell and make some money. so down the drain that went given it was not fully insured, only had PL-PD on it. big mistake. I was very lucky I had the seat belt on, and did not know it at the time, the next day, I had a big lump on my neck and was sore. the doc came back and said, "So whats up with this other injury?" I am like say what?? turned out I fractured a neck vertibre, at one time and it healed ,must have been quite a while back he said, and now you have another one. so I had found another reason to take pain pills, and given my propensity to have a good time, I began to over indulge.
I soon knew I had a problem, never denied that I was getting stoned off em,thats for sure. but what once worked, no longer did. I often was forced into going cold turkey because I ate all of my supply up. so I knew something was not right, but like a melon brain, I would often say,"well this time I will control it better" never was able to. so I found out about methadone. I wish I would have studied it much better, because that turned into an even worse problem. soon I was mixing methadone and norcos, then often washing them down with beer after work for an even larger buzz. sometimes at night, I think I was on the verge of dying. luckily I was in great overall shape, or I probably would have. when you wake up at night, and you start gasping for air, then i would say that is real close.
june 1,2009 I decided to finally work at getting off all narcotics. Things were different this time, my mind and my heart were in this for the long haul. after studying methadone, I soon discovered that it can be worse to W/D. read that the famous radical writer Hunter S. Thompson, used it to go C/T, and made a comment that it was very hard to get off it,also. I started a taper program(which was too short and not set up right)with the norcos and methadone.Made setting my mind and body, up for the onslaught of misery that was soon to come. got down to one methadone on saturday,june 3th,2009. I made sure it was on a weekend when I did not have my kids, at least it gave me two days off, during the worst time of the W/d's, before I went back to work. needless to say I rolled and flopped around in agony for atleast the next 4-5 days. no sleep, my rump was totally messed up, had sneezing and was just flat out sick.
update.......august 5th,2009.
well its amazing how bad my mind and body was addicted. I have finally had normal bowel movements a week back,still not 100 percent right. but I have read that the methadone is a bear to shake so I am determined to fight on as long as it takes. It does feel great to have my normal life back, thats for sure !!!
Update................August 24th,2009.
today I woke up, and felt absolutely %100. there have been days,where I swear some of the wd's were slowly creeping back. not surprising after 5 years of narcotics. Things like rls and major fatigue. part of it may be stress,[ I really got myself in a pickle,financially. big mistake blowing tens thousands,over the years of major partying and drugs. but I have been through worse, and its going to take a long time to get out of that nightmare.] but getting back to normal is not easy,seems like my bowels were still messed up, but a few weeks ago,it appears that they have returned to normal(man that gets old,having to put some thing on it all the time,YUK !!) like I had read about, there seems to be some cylces.....where it flares up,worse than other days. fatigue only seems to be the issue,now. as for cravings, I really never had them. In my mind, the thought of going through this crud again has me convinced %100. I would not suggest this, but I have had scripts right in front of me,with that 800 pound gorilla in the corner like a little,Btch now :} does'nt even phase me. I have no desire at all. things are really different this time.......I guess its the "hitting rock bottom" as people say.
But as the years went by, bone spurs and other issues started driving me nuts. there were days where I could climb a tree and carry 3/4 plywood no problem, but then other times , I could barely walk and was in major misery. about 5 years ago, after a major lock up spell, I finally was tired of it. I then started taking a few vikes......... It was like oh, wow man this feels great !! just like everyone else,that becomes addicted to narcotics. It took more for me to end the pain so I strated getting norcos...... then I started using up the whole sript, and started doing more. all of sudden a few years back it turned into 7-9 norcos a day.
then one day a lady decides to make a left turn in front of me while I was going 50 mph, down a two way street. she total out a $4000 nisan that I bought to sell and make some money. so down the drain that went given it was not fully insured, only had PL-PD on it. big mistake. I was very lucky I had the seat belt on, and did not know it at the time, the next day, I had a big lump on my neck and was sore. the doc came back and said, "So whats up with this other injury?" I am like say what?? turned out I fractured a neck vertibre, at one time and it healed ,must have been quite a while back he said, and now you have another one. so I had found another reason to take pain pills, and given my propensity to have a good time, I began to over indulge.
I soon knew I had a problem, never denied that I was getting stoned off em,thats for sure. but what once worked, no longer did. I often was forced into going cold turkey because I ate all of my supply up. so I knew something was not right, but like a melon brain, I would often say,"well this time I will control it better" never was able to. so I found out about methadone. I wish I would have studied it much better, because that turned into an even worse problem. soon I was mixing methadone and norcos, then often washing them down with beer after work for an even larger buzz. sometimes at night, I think I was on the verge of dying. luckily I was in great overall shape, or I probably would have. when you wake up at night, and you start gasping for air, then i would say that is real close.
june 1,2009 I decided to finally work at getting off all narcotics. Things were different this time, my mind and my heart were in this for the long haul. after studying methadone, I soon discovered that it can be worse to W/D. read that the famous radical writer Hunter S. Thompson, used it to go C/T, and made a comment that it was very hard to get off it,also. I started a taper program(which was too short and not set up right)with the norcos and methadone.Made setting my mind and body, up for the onslaught of misery that was soon to come. got down to one methadone on saturday,june 3th,2009. I made sure it was on a weekend when I did not have my kids, at least it gave me two days off, during the worst time of the W/d's, before I went back to work. needless to say I rolled and flopped around in agony for atleast the next 4-5 days. no sleep, my rump was totally messed up, had sneezing and was just flat out sick.
update.......august 5th,2009.
well its amazing how bad my mind and body was addicted. I have finally had normal bowel movements a week back,still not 100 percent right. but I have read that the methadone is a bear to shake so I am determined to fight on as long as it takes. It does feel great to have my normal life back, thats for sure !!!
Update................August 24th,2009.
today I woke up, and felt absolutely %100. there have been days,where I swear some of the wd's were slowly creeping back. not surprising after 5 years of narcotics. Things like rls and major fatigue. part of it may be stress,[ I really got myself in a pickle,financially. big mistake blowing tens thousands,over the years of major partying and drugs. but I have been through worse, and its going to take a long time to get out of that nightmare.] but getting back to normal is not easy,seems like my bowels were still messed up, but a few weeks ago,it appears that they have returned to normal(man that gets old,having to put some thing on it all the time,YUK !!) like I had read about, there seems to be some cylces.....where it flares up,worse than other days. fatigue only seems to be the issue,now. as for cravings, I really never had them. In my mind, the thought of going through this crud again has me convinced %100. I would not suggest this, but I have had scripts right in front of me,with that 800 pound gorilla in the corner like a little,Btch now :} does'nt even phase me. I have no desire at all. things are really different this time.......I guess its the "hitting rock bottom" as people say.
we need a support group for people who have been in accidents that left then with fusions, plates and screws and all the pain that goes along with it. A place where you can go and talk about your aches and pains related to a accident or illness that left you with those screws and rods and plates and all the hardware that comes with life. Somewhere we can come and talk about the grief we go through when you have a major injury in your life and all the BS that goes with it.How we have to re-lean so many things that were just normal daily living routines. Not to mention learning what job you can actually work now that you have a disibility that no one whats to admit to. I didn't even know there is a grief process to go through till I came here. But its true you do have to mourn the loss of the old you and you have to hate how you got here and you have to learn to live again with what you got. Like the bar where you open the door and they all yell "alicat" as the gimpy girl !walks in! And we are all there for the same thing...love and support!
thanks alicat, I have often considered myself very lucky. I have seen some people at the docs office that are REALLY hurting !!
yup, the days of nailing a snow board or water skiing are done for me !! but I am still determined to stay active. my doc, mentioned one time that it perhaps is THE most important thing one can do.
yup, the days of nailing a snow board or water skiing are done for me !! but I am still determined to stay active. my doc, mentioned one time that it perhaps is THE most important thing one can do.
Just read your story and can't believe how much we have in common. I wrote a journal entry yesterday but now I don't see it posted anywhere, maybe I don't know where to look but I'll repeat myself. Sorry if it's out there and you read it. I had a cervial fusion in my neck when my daughter was 3 months old (now 17). I lost the use of my right arm one day and almost dropped her on the floor. The neurosurgeon said my already existing condition (HUH?) was exaserbated by the fact she had colic from birth and I carried her around non stop for three months. So that starts surgery number one and oh how I loved that down time, and those glorious pills it made the "tomato cage" I was wearing on my head even bearable. I have had 16 surgeries all too lengthy to go into detail about but the common thread was the PILLS before and after surgery. Can honestly say there was a sick part of me that welcomed the surgery because I knew the "treat" I would be receiving.
My biggest nightmare surgery like yours was back pain. I had a lamectomy and was ok pain wise for two years, went back to work stopped taking pills and was leading a somewhat normal life. Back pain returned for no reason and I was told I needed titanium rods and a cage in my back.Horrible surgery - recovery horrendous - but the pills were back and the suffering was worth it. Oh, I was also told I could not teach school anymore (I am, rather I WAS a special education teacher). It's a job I LOVED and like to think I was good at it too. It's very rewarding teaching children especially those with disabilities. I had an incident at school where a 6th grader threw me against a wall because he thought I was going to the office to "Report him" what I actually was doing was walking down a hallway with a folder in my hand. Anyway, I reluctantly gave up that career because I didn't want to be physically harmed and create more damage. Stayed at home for a year and almost went crazy!
Then I refocused and changed career paths I took a job as the social director at a very high end retirement community two years ago. Surely I could protect myself physically from these people (lol). Then I started getting a mysterious stabbing pain my chest. It felt like a knive. Fast forward all tests exhaused they could find nothing and sent me to a rheumatologist who said I would have to live with it for the rest of my life and all she could do was control the pain. That's when I went hard core drugs 2 20 mg. oxy + 3 10 mg. percocet for break through pain. It was ok at first, but then I started using up my script too early and was staging "clever" phone calls to the doctor, my purse was stolen etc. After about a year I found a pain management doctor who did an injection that worked! I was honest and told him I was drug dependent and he weaned me off medication. I was clean for three months and guess what.
This past January I was at work and collapsed to the floor in the most horrible pain of my life. Long story short the three discs above the ones caged and supported by rods were herniated. Had surgery February 2009 (added onto the rods) and Alice was back in Wonderland!!!! I had to give up this job too!!!! Helping people up, in and out of wheelchairs, keeping them from falling are all apparently not GOOD for your BACK!! Was qualified for disability almost immediatley so now I am forever out of the work force and I hate the word DISABLED (that's another story).
Was on percocets from January to April 2009, and reluctantly went CT HORRIBLE. Since that time, I have had a few scripts, one for back pain, one for the flu (that cought syrup) I don't know the name but I think it's my "drink" of choice and have been miserable. That is where my original question stemmed from as to how long withdrawals last.
Thank you SO MUCH for educating me on what I am going through I don't feel nearly as confused and frustrated as before. As I said, ZERO energy, burning eyes, aches and pains etc. I was diagnosing myself with RA, epstein barr, when what I have is a drug addiction. I will continue to gain support from this website to keep me focused, it certainly has seemed to work for you.
My deepest gratitude for answering my question - I will keep in touch and I wish you strength and success in beating this, as you say, 800 lb gorrilla on your back. Eileen (Kaitlyn's Mom)
My biggest nightmare surgery like yours was back pain. I had a lamectomy and was ok pain wise for two years, went back to work stopped taking pills and was leading a somewhat normal life. Back pain returned for no reason and I was told I needed titanium rods and a cage in my back.Horrible surgery - recovery horrendous - but the pills were back and the suffering was worth it. Oh, I was also told I could not teach school anymore (I am, rather I WAS a special education teacher). It's a job I LOVED and like to think I was good at it too. It's very rewarding teaching children especially those with disabilities. I had an incident at school where a 6th grader threw me against a wall because he thought I was going to the office to "Report him" what I actually was doing was walking down a hallway with a folder in my hand. Anyway, I reluctantly gave up that career because I didn't want to be physically harmed and create more damage. Stayed at home for a year and almost went crazy!
Then I refocused and changed career paths I took a job as the social director at a very high end retirement community two years ago. Surely I could protect myself physically from these people (lol). Then I started getting a mysterious stabbing pain my chest. It felt like a knive. Fast forward all tests exhaused they could find nothing and sent me to a rheumatologist who said I would have to live with it for the rest of my life and all she could do was control the pain. That's when I went hard core drugs 2 20 mg. oxy + 3 10 mg. percocet for break through pain. It was ok at first, but then I started using up my script too early and was staging "clever" phone calls to the doctor, my purse was stolen etc. After about a year I found a pain management doctor who did an injection that worked! I was honest and told him I was drug dependent and he weaned me off medication. I was clean for three months and guess what.
This past January I was at work and collapsed to the floor in the most horrible pain of my life. Long story short the three discs above the ones caged and supported by rods were herniated. Had surgery February 2009 (added onto the rods) and Alice was back in Wonderland!!!! I had to give up this job too!!!! Helping people up, in and out of wheelchairs, keeping them from falling are all apparently not GOOD for your BACK!! Was qualified for disability almost immediatley so now I am forever out of the work force and I hate the word DISABLED (that's another story).
Was on percocets from January to April 2009, and reluctantly went CT HORRIBLE. Since that time, I have had a few scripts, one for back pain, one for the flu (that cought syrup) I don't know the name but I think it's my "drink" of choice and have been miserable. That is where my original question stemmed from as to how long withdrawals last.
Thank you SO MUCH for educating me on what I am going through I don't feel nearly as confused and frustrated as before. As I said, ZERO energy, burning eyes, aches and pains etc. I was diagnosing myself with RA, epstein barr, when what I have is a drug addiction. I will continue to gain support from this website to keep me focused, it certainly has seemed to work for you.
My deepest gratitude for answering my question - I will keep in touch and I wish you strength and success in beating this, as you say, 800 lb gorrilla on your back. Eileen (Kaitlyn's Mom)
Post a Comment