May 06, 2008
I am on day 5. I feel so relieved yet anxious all at once. I know this is how one feels but the feeling is still felt constantly. A lady said in a post I read, "breath deeply"... This is something I do often and Jerstin Christ it helps but the feeling returns later and I breath again. I am hoping I can be free once and for all. My main supply is gone and that is contributing to the idea I can do this. I am pleased with myself because I have a bottle of them. 2 more days and I'm dumping them in the toilet and lighting a cigarette. I cannot wait for this moment. I look so forward to it indeed. I've been on a diet for some time now but I've lost 9 lbs since I stopped them. I know many think it is because of the Diarrhea but that is not the case for me. I have been having more regular bowel movements but my cravings for unhealthy foods are gone. I was drinking numerous cokes a day. I ate high carb high sugar foods. I loved pasta and bread and donuts. Now I drink lots of water, eat fresh fruit and veggies and refrain from anything unhealthy to eat. Granted I still smoke cigarettes but I couldn't do this if I were without them, however, THEY ARE NEXT! I want to be the thin pretty healthy girl who can sit through a movie with her boyfriend without having to pop a pill or smoke or eat junk. I want my life back. I was gorgeous 6 years ago when I began taking these. I was thin, my hair was healthy and beautiful and my eyes were vibrant. Today I feel like I might become myself again. I want to be the girl that turned heads that I once was. I know they still look but it's not the same as before. I cannot wait to tell you about my feelings at day 30 at day 60 at day 120 and day 240 because I WILL MAKE IT. I have will and determination and I plan to succeed. At one time I would have gone to the ER to get a dose just to fix my life for the moment but today I am not that person. I am proud to look at my eyes in the mirror again and know they are clear without visine. I seen where a man said he had wisdom teeth pulled for the pills once. I have had so many procedures just for the pills. Let me name a few of them off... I had a knee surgery, wisdom teeth pulled, Tubal Ligation, Endometrial ablation and tried for a hysterectomy, and I had numerous other things just to get the pills. That is really sad what a person would do for them and I was the sucker. I had thought about putting myself in a center for detox but I think I'm going to be okay now. I hope after day 5 the seizures will be null and void. I haven't had any so I'm hoping. I did gradually work myself down to 2mg of the hydros from about 10-15 10mg hydros daily. I think I may have done this the right way and I hope I'm going to be drug free for the rest of my life. I've contacted all medical facilities in my area and informed them of my problem and encouraged them to add this to my chart so that I would not be tempted to try to get any from there, though I don't feel the need now I hope stress doesn't find it's way to my door and cause my ignorance to flare. Thanks for reading.