I want to hide...

My life has changed in so many ways in a short period of time...End of a four year relationship and still grieving...moved from my apartment due to lack of funds...living in a different state away from my family and friends...no job...financial problems..lost my 53 year old brother to lung cancer six weeks ago. I'm Engaged to be married and so confused.
What was once interesting and exciting is no longer. I'm happy to stay home and read. I make very little effort to see my children...go out and about...talk on the phone...I basically keep to myself. Lately I'd like to dig a hole and crawl in it.
I've not fully recovered from relationship break which I initiated over a year ago.. It's difficult because I love him but he's a verbal abuser.I am still keeping tabs on him. I need all of this to stop in order to exhale and live my life feeling free and happy.I hide it very well from my fiance but feel terribly guilty. I have beome weak with some insecurities I'd not had before.....this not only annoys me but causes me to beat up on myself all the time. I've lost "me".

Now I find I am gaining weight and ignoring my manicures and pedicures...this is not me!!!