I'm not the same

...I told that to a friend of mine i don't really talk to all that much anymore.

I'm doing my best to "bounce back". But it's not that easy, I feel I've lost a long term focus, so while I can attack tiny projects. The "big one" is intimidating and staring me in the face.

I come home from work knowing exactly what i need to do, but instead I sit and vegetate in front of the t.v. Feeling sorry for myself. While I don't hit rock bottom like i used to, it's still up hill battle.

I verbally try to get myself moving, "stop" i'll say when my thoughts wander to that which I can't control. Today I told myself if not I'm happy with what I'm doing then do something I would not do. Act how I don't act each day. I'm not trying to change myself, but I need something. It's hard, I envy the simple life. But I feel if I get to that level where I just don't care anymore then I'm a step away from being dead.

I try to be grateful, to be pleasant, to appreciate my family. It's difficult for me. i guess that's why I'm telling myself to act not like myself.

I want to get "better". I really don't want another 6 months of this.

If she took me back, would that fix everything?

Yes it would. and that let's me know there's something bigger wrong. I hear cars late at night and I jump to the window hoping she's on the other side like how it used to be. I've played it out in my head.

That's the fantasy world I don't want to live in anymore. It's wearing me down.

I know I should pray more, but at times i just can't.

That's how it is, i guess that's what I need to change...