things i've had going on emotionally.....

right now i'm feeling.......i don't know really.

maybe it's hormones? or for those of you who know me, things that shouldn't bother me, will bother me?

i think about being pregnant, as it's something i've wanted, since when? when we were told at puberty we can now "make babies"?! after my worst miscarriage 10 years ago, it oh sooooo infuriated me when after i became an adult, after i was married (to james) , my inability to become pregnant...everyone has always told me my miscarriage was God's way of telling me it wasn't my time...that's ********, my 1st child was ripped from me by some "larger than life monster", while the only important person in my life at that time, watched...when my "neice" was born (name will not be mentioned), i wanted to just scream: i got to stand by and watch this 14 year old girl give birth to a child, yet as a nearly 19 yr old young woman, i was somewhat proving to be "barren"(not literally obviously!)...

now that i'm finally getting to experience this event in my life, as it may be my ONLY time to experience this, i don't think i'm truly getting to enjoy it...i mean sure, my mom is overly-ecstatic, my friends (those i still talk to) are congratulatory of me, and i still really feel as though i'm missing something...as though when it comes to the emotional part of this grateful event, i'm alone...and things that are just so amazing to me, like feeling movement or the *swishing* are met with a "been there done that " kind of attitude...again (read below), maybe i'm making something out of nothing...in more ways than one...

i see the smallest problems alot more acutely now more than ever...yet strangely the *biggest* problems, i seem to somehow overlook...in some ways, i've always been like this...i tend not to see the bigger picture i suppose...and that is beginning to be the downfall of a few *good things* in my life...i keep feeling as though i'm not doing enough here at home, and even when i am working, i still feel like i'm not doing enough...the things i enjoyed the most 2 years ago, are now things that are more like memories...and now i'm having a blank moment, trying to figure out where i was going with that...!

ok, i think i'm back on thought track lol...i don't feel depressed ( so i don't want to hear it!) ...i just feel like i'm somewhat being ignored...and not because attention is being reigned down upon my *belly* believe me...that's definitely not an issue...i guess i just feel like i should get to experience my pregnancy with more joy, not stress, or worrying about doing the right thing (not associated with baby)...and when it comes to the whole *love* thing...well, it just feels i'm lacking in that area, that somehow i'm not giving enough, or maybe not getting enough...i don't know, love isn't just about the money in the bank, or the stupid stuff you spend money on...or that bills aren't being paid (things we all stress everyday, unless you're rich lol-even then,  you're not happy!) ...i guess i just feel like i'm missing this emotional tie, that should be there...and isn't...and i've come to learn since i was old enough to know *love*, from puppy love to, well...i don't know if i know what real love is, or how do you know wether it runs deep, or just below the surface, or if it's only superficial? i always thought when love was right, in terms of a person...it'd be going crazy not talking to them, but waiting for the moment you could...or how just holding hands, had just as much importance as making love...or just doing the strangest things together, while it didn't make sense to others, meant the world to you 2, as you were together...or that no matter who said what and why, that others couldnt bring you down...

and i have no idea why it is so hard to express feelings to the people who are supposed to mean alot to you...mostly, i guess, because you're met with indifference, a "why ruin it" attitude...and the things that should be dismissed are ususally loud and angry, and the things that are worth hollering over, are just swept under the rug...as though nothing you say can make a difference, because the other person can top your feelings with something else, something *better*...as though nothing you say is important because it is petty as well as trivial...as though only the other person's feelings make a difference...





There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I dont want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you dont see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ...
-- Author Unknown