Mar 29, 2014
So last night I decided that I wanted to remember or at least try to imagine what it was like knowing there was a life growing inside of me. I thought that I was just imagining it, but about 5 seconds in, I realized that I was remembering. Not only that, but it felt real. I could feel that life inside of me. I could feel the hand of God as I felt the presence of a growing child there. I found myself place my hand on my tummy and close my eyes. Then, without warning, I started crying. Thinking about being pregnant upset to the point that I started bawling. Then, I started remembering what it was like when that feeling of life all of a sudden wasn't there anymore. The rest of the night and into the morning I slept as if I was pregnant. I made sure to lay on my side, mostly my left since it is most beneficial to the baby, and I made sure to be fully rested before getting up. I would rather be pregnant than not.
My husband finds that difficult to understand. "why would you rather be pregnant?" he asked me. His argument was that I needed to remember how sick I was and how much I just wanted to rest. Now all of those crazy cravings come to mind and the fact that I couldn't stand the smell of Fruity Pebbles (his favorite cereal) so much that he would not only have to eat them in the other room, but he would also have to brush his teeth before coming back to me because the smell on his breath would still make me feel sick. Regardless of all of those things and the fact that I would have anxiety about miscarrying, I would still rather be pregnant than not. I would still rather having that feeling of life inside me rather than have a constant depressed yearning for it. Don't get me wrong, I have a very good and full life. I just want something more. I just look forward to the day that we are blessed with a child.