Mar 30, 2014
So, today at church, I almost went crying to my bishop (a church leader) about my lack of pregnancy. I kept thinking over and over again that no one in my family had problems getting pregnant and that I shouldn't have a problem either. I kept thinking what the heck am I doing wrong? What have I done to deserve this? All my life I prepared to be a mother, I watched over children, I went to church, I got married in the temple to a wonderful worthy man, so why am I not blessed with a child yet? I waited to have sex until marriage just as I was taught. I have been yearning for a child for a year and a half and all I have to show for it are two dead babies that didn't make it past the first trimester. You hear so many stories of women in the scriptures, and even women today, who are barren. I cannot even imagine the grief and the burden associated with the absolute knowledge that you can never have children of your own. Of course my husband and I have already talked about that possibility and decided that we would then adopt, but I don't want that to have to be my only option. I saw a month old baby today and thought, why can't I have that? I just want to carry a baby of my own and have a baby of my own. If I could have just one child and have that child be a boy to carry on my husbands name, I would be happy. Children are so precious. I just wish they weren't missing from my life.