Apr 05, 2014
I question this everyday. I have had therapy, I've tried various medications, but still I cry everyday, I have severe insomnia and probably my worst symptom- my concentration is terrible! As soon as I get anxious, the negative thoughts get worse which fuel the concentration problems and it's a constant cycle. I struggle daily, i cry daily. I have a good doctor, I have a good psychiatrist, but still nothing seems to be working. I'm only 24 and have been struggling probably since I was 8. So as I am hoping someone reads this, here is the dilemma to my life:
I am so motivated. I want to change the world. I've wanted to run for government. I've wanted to be a lawyer. Right now I have the opportunity for a job of a lifetime that will change my life. BUT
1. I am currently on disability, receiving disability checks
2. I haven't worked in a few years
3. I got a job in the government with benefits, a salary of potentially 100k annually but the Manager says people with Mental Health issues really can't handle this type of job.
I've always felt like I was 2 people. 1 side of me is capable of doing anything in the world and gives myself encouragement. But this person is daily overpowered by a second person, one who knows my anxiety/depression is crippling and that I shouldn't work. I shouldn't aspire for what I want in life and that I am disabled.
Which person will win in the end? I'm afraid it's the latter. But the former girl is very strong hearted. She won't give up without a fight. And I won't give up this job without giving it my all. I wish I had some meds that worked, but they don't. All I have is myself daily, telling myself to stop being jealous of others in my training that are doing so well! I am doing well too!! But I am shy, timid and slower to learn then everyone. What if I can't handle this job? To tell you the truth it's a police officer type job. What if i freeze in a situation that requires me to act. It's true, people with mental illness probably shouldn't take this type of job. But why am I being discriminated again. Maybe I can stop myself from freezing up by reminding myself that I am capable and that I can do this.
I don't know, i really don't know. Is there an answer, is anyone even going to read this. I hope so. I would like to hear some objective opinions. I honestly think any job would be hard for me. But I do believe anyone can do any job with the right training. I've passed the first part of my training. I thought I would freeze during the practical component, but i actually did well. The 2nd part of training is going to be much harder, I'm afraid. Should I keep with it and know that at the end of the day at least i tried? Should I quit, oh ive been so close to quitting. I can put on a hard face at training, but they don't know when i go to my car and cry. One instructor has caught me crying, I need to pull it together.