Going down down down

It's just nuts........ Another day of feeling this way ........ No end in sight.......... Trying to get out of the deep dark black hole..... Can't seem to do it.......... There seems to be no bottom and I can't see a over the top...... There's no light that I can see, only darkness that consumes me with every moment that passes............ I've conditioned myself to look at things moment by moment..... .... The reasoning is I probably wouldn't make it if I looked at things hour by hour day by day........ It's like being in a coal mine with no lights..........  I've been here before why is it always so unfamiliar???? I'm confused, wounded, cold and wish I could just lay down and go to sleep, never to awaken to this misery again............. Someone elses misery........ This was given to me in in one swift  heartless blow..... I can't undo what has already been done to me....... Just wish I could erase the memories........ The pros tell me "you just have to deal with it".   Who the heck made that rule and how do I get it changed? Come to me sweet darkness lay your cool cool hands on my head.......... Give me a moments peace............ The beast has got me  in its despicable grip again ...... I no longer fear it  I just don't like it.  How did I shake it off the last time???? How many times has this happened? Too many... How may times do I have to deal with this again????  Doesn't matter it has me now, I can't get free......... When will it let go?  I thought I was free for a while...... False security........ My medecine is supposed to give me better judgement than to be consumed by a beast that cares little about what happens to me or the way I feel....... Sh&t sh#t sh%t........ Trying so hard I really am..... I want to be positive......... The negativity seems to wrap its cold  hands around me........ The desperate feeling and feelings of dispair so cold and clamy........ I've been to funerals and haven't felt this bad........... Does that make me selfish, maybe........... Or possibly I realized that the overtures are not all they are cracked up to be............. Somebody elses dream certainly not mine............ All I ever wanted  was to be normal like everybody else............ Maybe I am normal.... Could it be every one else is not?  Of course that's what it is they are off not me..... I try not to tell my friends about this because they are struggling so hard with their own issues........ They are trying to deal with demons that consume them and make their lives a living hell just like mine........... Why would I want to make their lives more complicated than it already is?  Where's the bottom? Is there a bottom? How do I know when I have reached the bottom?     Goin down down down down ...........