I drove to her house

My mom left me there, we were at her computer, when the homesickness struck in. We had not even left yet, I was wishing I had said a more proper goodbye to my mother. I have a lot of seperation anxiety. A lot of anxiety, but this was always bad. I don't remember if I've explained it before, I think I might have, but I used to cry during sleepovers and my mom would have to come pick me up. A lot of the time. I couldn't ever sleep, I missed her, I hated watching her drive way, it just gave me a really sick feeling. I couldn't even handle sleeping at my cousin's house, which I had been doing every year pretty much since birth. I would just not be able to stop crying for hours, till someone had managed to distract me. Then I just stayed distant and lonely looking for a while. Eventually I would have fun, or be completely out of it all night, and sometimes morning. It just sapped my fun levels. Sapped my everything. And it's all still got me in it's grip. Hell, I got anxiety while I was sleeping in my own bed. Mom would come to put me to bed, and I would be hysterically crying, the only reason I could site being that she was going to die on day and I was scared, because she didn't have enough time, and I missed her so much already. Really though, thinking about it makes me want to cry now. My dad would go on business trips, for weeks at a time, and I would miss him and not want to admit it, but I loved when he came home in his suit all happy to see us, and waiting for him at the dinner table. Little things like that.

Anyways, then they got pizza. I do not like pizza...so even though I had not eaten anything yet, I lied, and really, I wasn't hungry anyways. I learned they are not good packers. They were staying a lot longer than I was though, so I guess they're excused. But they took a long time to pack, and I believe they forgot a lot of things. We got in the car, me, chels, and her sister in the standard car. Turns out it would suck because on the highway a trailor would overturn, with a couple and their three dogs. Butcher the large truck and the camper was ruined, absolutely ruined. I don't know if the dogs were ok. The couple was, I think. But traffic was backed up. Two hours. I thought she was going to bump a car in front of us, I really did. It was very hot, and then very cold when she finally figured out the air conditioning. I guess the ride could have been a lot worse if say, I had been stuck in a car with her younger step brother. I might have killed him, if I didn't kill myself first. We got there, no beach today. We swam in the pool. I did flips. I love doing flips. Ate dinner. Watched a movie called Knowing. It was not scary, just sketchy. About the world ending. A lot of death, aliens. Things like that. They go to bed at 11. Are you mad people?! That's when I eat fourthmeal! Worse, I couldn't find service, so I could barely talk to steve the whole four hours I was awake staring at the ceiling. I didn't take my sleeping pills, because I figured I was getting up early. I don't know how that math worked in my head. But I shared a bed with her sister, who fell asleep, then I was too scared of the dark to be alone in the room with two sleeping girls and...darkness, so I hid under the blanket and read her summer reading book by cell light. When I finally rolled myself to sleep, I woke up like six times (no, seriously) during the night, all between about 3 and 8:30 AM. I  thought I was going to go mad. Bonkers. Apeshit. My insomnia is officially addicted to real sleeping medicine. And I don't mind one bit, except the nights like this when I'm too afraid someone will see me to pop a few pills. I barely snuck birth control. Also, I have an unhealthy squirrel habit or storing pills. All of them. Any of them. I don't really understand why. I'm not suidical or anything, I just can't help thinking, well what if one day I am, or I just need to sleep, what if I get dumped or something equally achey and I just need a nap for a few hours in the middle of the day, what if we run out of happy pills one day and I actually feel the longing to take them, hmm? I'm gonna be glad I have those little stores of them then! I hope.

Mood Tracker