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Venting
May 12, 2008 11:10PM
- 2 comments
I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I talk, act, feel. I hate life. I hate my life. I feel that God hates me. My dad wants nothing to do with me, my mother is being herself again. I am close with no one. I'm told to just be myself but I don't know who I am. I'm not comfortable around anyone. I worry what they think of me, I worry that I'm a mistake. Nothing is real, no happiness, no love, no laughing, no true smiles or love. No one knows me. How can they if I don't. My first and only love damaged me beyond repair. Physically and emotionally. I cannot have children because of him. I hate him and I love him. How sick is that? How fuggin stupid and mental is that? Damaged, ignorant, self-loathing 21 years late for my own abortion. I wasn't meant to be here. I wasn't meant to be anywhere. I hate that I care more for everyone else and yet I can't show it. I'm a horrible selfish person centered only on me and my inevitable pain. I hate that I can't kill myself, only because I worry for my mother's sanity and feelings. I don't know why I'm here. I don't care. About anything. I don't care about the future because I don't want one....I don't care about my health or my well being. I want to care. I'd give anything to care about anything or anyone. I'm a cold dead unfeeling rock floating through life going through the motions and hiding behind my fake smiles, my forced laughs and pretending my supressed anger isn't there. What a fuggin mess I am. I hate. All I do is hate and complain. I ask why?
i am sorry you feel so down right now. and i will probably say (type) some things that you will think, ya whatever but bear with me.. reading you venting........ feels really familiar to me. because most of the time i feel the same way! the only true freind i have is my mom. and thank god for her!!
i believe everyone has a purpose here. mind you, i am not a church goer but i do believe in something bigger than us. i know about love/hate relationships.... its hard.. its hard to explain and justify.
i have been trying to figure out myself for a long time. and it seems like i find pieces of myself every now and then. the true me.
i believe that if i were to just go someplace tranquil for maybe a weekend, to where i was just left to myself and my thoughts, i could possibly find pieces of the real me.. it just seems as though there are so many labels and do's and don'ts out in the world right now, its hard to find your path... ya know?
just to tell me to bugger off if i make no sence.....
i hope some of that helped.. if not, feel free to chat at me and vent!!! i know exactly how u feel!!!!!!!!!!!
krysta
i believe everyone has a purpose here. mind you, i am not a church goer but i do believe in something bigger than us. i know about love/hate relationships.... its hard.. its hard to explain and justify.
i have been trying to figure out myself for a long time. and it seems like i find pieces of myself every now and then. the true me.
i believe that if i were to just go someplace tranquil for maybe a weekend, to where i was just left to myself and my thoughts, i could possibly find pieces of the real me.. it just seems as though there are so many labels and do's and don'ts out in the world right now, its hard to find your path... ya know?
just to tell me to bugger off if i make no sence.....
i hope some of that helped.. if not, feel free to chat at me and vent!!! i know exactly how u feel!!!!!!!!!!!
krysta
No_sabes-
You are defenitly worth it and important!
So many people are right there with you feeling the same way about all of the things you are so honest about. Especially women still loving the men that have done awful things to them. Once you love someone it is so hard to just count them out even if they hurt us.
I'm not going to just fill these words with you should do this or you should do that. When I felt the same way you did, the last thing I wanted to hear was...why dont you just do this...turn to this, or that and everything will be better.
But you have to know that if you were not important than you would not be here right now. If you didnt have a place in this world you wouldnt be in it.
Many years ago my best friend Killed herself. She was the only friend I had and not a day goes by when I dont think, how could she do this. How could she just give up on the people who love her. She believed no one loved her at all, but she just couldnt see. Sometimes we just cant see how much we really mean to people. Even the people we only know in passing. I will have you in my thoughts for the rest of the day, not only because I'm woried about you and how you feel, but because I admire your strength at being able to actually come out and say this is how I'm feeling and I'm not going to take the easy way out. I wish you could understand what that means to hear you say that and what it takes to not give up, even if your only reason right now is your mother.
I wish there was something that could make all the pain go away, like a magic wand to wave and poof, everything is fixed.
But you can make it different.
Honestly you are such a strong woman, I could have never have been this honest. That truely takes strength and guts.
I am so fighting the urge right now to tell you what you can do to make things better, but I am just going from when I was feeling the exact same way you are,I mean I could have just been reading my own diary when I was 21(I'm only 28 so its not like it was all that long ago!) and all I wanted was for someone to just listen to what I had to say without them telling me what they thought was best. Afterall I knew there were therapists and religion and spirituality and medication and places to go to make friends, I just wasnt ready yet. I imagine you know all those options are there too as you seem to be intellegent and well spoken.
Maybe I'm so off right now and not saying the right things to you, II hope I havent put my fooot in my mouth as I do that pretty damn often
but I just want you to now you are not alone at all, and that were here for you if you want to talk more, about anything.
I'm around here way to often(stuck in bed for a while)...so just drop a note if you want. I could honestly use a friend myself.
You are defenitly worth it and important!
So many people are right there with you feeling the same way about all of the things you are so honest about. Especially women still loving the men that have done awful things to them. Once you love someone it is so hard to just count them out even if they hurt us.
I'm not going to just fill these words with you should do this or you should do that. When I felt the same way you did, the last thing I wanted to hear was...why dont you just do this...turn to this, or that and everything will be better.
But you have to know that if you were not important than you would not be here right now. If you didnt have a place in this world you wouldnt be in it.
Many years ago my best friend Killed herself. She was the only friend I had and not a day goes by when I dont think, how could she do this. How could she just give up on the people who love her. She believed no one loved her at all, but she just couldnt see. Sometimes we just cant see how much we really mean to people. Even the people we only know in passing. I will have you in my thoughts for the rest of the day, not only because I'm woried about you and how you feel, but because I admire your strength at being able to actually come out and say this is how I'm feeling and I'm not going to take the easy way out. I wish you could understand what that means to hear you say that and what it takes to not give up, even if your only reason right now is your mother.
I wish there was something that could make all the pain go away, like a magic wand to wave and poof, everything is fixed.
But you can make it different.
Honestly you are such a strong woman, I could have never have been this honest. That truely takes strength and guts.
I am so fighting the urge right now to tell you what you can do to make things better, but I am just going from when I was feeling the exact same way you are,I mean I could have just been reading my own diary when I was 21(I'm only 28 so its not like it was all that long ago!) and all I wanted was for someone to just listen to what I had to say without them telling me what they thought was best. Afterall I knew there were therapists and religion and spirituality and medication and places to go to make friends, I just wasnt ready yet. I imagine you know all those options are there too as you seem to be intellegent and well spoken.
Maybe I'm so off right now and not saying the right things to you, II hope I havent put my fooot in my mouth as I do that pretty damn often
but I just want you to now you are not alone at all, and that were here for you if you want to talk more, about anything.
I'm around here way to often(stuck in bed for a while)...so just drop a note if you want. I could honestly use a friend myself.
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