May 13, 2014
This morning was the first morning in a long time ive thought about anti depressants. S had been nagging me to ring my doctor and make an appointment. My gran says i should take off work sick.
I dont want to do either of those things but i feel my options get smaller with each day.
Loss of appetite, oversleeping or having trouble sleeping, snappy, tearful, thoughts of self harm. Theyre all here. I never thought i would be back here. It all bubbles up and i explode one day for it all to simmer down for a little while. Thats how it Is now day to day.
I dont want to go to the doctors and talk about my 'feelings'. I know tablets will not solve it.
Work. Thats what its ALL about. How ridiculous. I walked in thinking i landed the dream job. I worked myself to exhaustion just to prove how badly i wanted it. And nothing has come of it. I feel as though my employer Is punishing me. My whole life Is on standstill because i am earning so little.
Every part of me wants to leave but there Is à part of me that wants to Hold on till the bitter end. I messed up at school time after time. I keep talking myself i will not mess this up. I will prove to myself that im not the kind of person who gives up every time things get difficult because life Is difficult!
Septembre Is When my contract with my boss ends. I feel like once i finish working there things will improve. So ils à waiting game. I want to stay, see it through to the end but at what cost to myself?