All Journal Entries Journals

Really now, I hate her

Jul 28, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

devra

,

meds

,

pissed off

,

mother

,

toe prints

,

car window

,

cosco

,

steve

,

ribs

,

ferrets

,

pork

,

driver's ed

,

observation hour

,

doodling

,

talking

,

Smoking

,

cigarettes

,

driving hour

,

jacob DE

,

mike DE

,

hot weather

,

jon

,

food

,

tastes

,

smells

,

Eating

,

reperidone

,

depakote

,

med change

,

blood work

,

JCpenneys

,

vitamin deficionsy

,

Celiac disease

,

sun

,

Vitamin D

,

anemia

,

Stomach

,

Reflux

,

Stomach Lining

,

esophagus cancer

,

gluten

,

repect

,

prostitution

,

abortion

,

cheese

,

lactose intolerants

,

egg sensitivity

,

toxic

,

sleep

,

Addiction

,

Ambien

,

hip

,

small weak bones

,

memere



And her is Devra. The longer I go without going to see her, the more tolerable she becomes, and then I get my mind all set on the best course of actions, but we just have two different routes set out for me. I get pissed off, she's stopped even worrying about it. Today she says "Really now Kristina, have you ever been happy with what I've had to say?" I was quite mad. And I was making an angry face and I fell asleep that way and had a nasty headache when I woke up. Mother left me in the car while she shopped so I stuck my toe prints on her front window. I ate half of my bagel, like a good little girl. I can never finish it without intense nausea. I have no self control.

We went to cosco, picked up steve and went home, and mother made me ribs. Yum. My ferrets don't like pork. I ate a lot, and was very full. Then I went to driver's ed. I skipped my OT hour, because I wanted to eat. I guess I just suck at life. Class was long and boring, I did a lot of doodling and talking. And smoking. I had a driving hour afterwards. Jacob and this kid mike OTed. It was scary. I parallel parked. I was afraid my hands would slip right off the wheel. It was dark. I came home and me and my brother drank grape juice from wine glasses, and felt really cool. I ate popcorn, that I couldn't bother myself to finish. I actually find eating to be such a tedious task. I love to make food, love the tastes and smells and everything, but eating. Just so unnecessary. I can't help but think of my opinion is somewhat biased.

For the record, I'm coming off the Resperidone. I'm not tapering, they can go screw. I do have permission to get off it though, but whatever. And we're upping my depakote to 1000. Fabiloso. Cause I'm not cuckoo enough. Cause I stay till way too much right now, you know? I'm to take it deliberately for five days and then we're going for blood work. Suck. What kind of world do I live in when I'de rather go get blood work done than go to JCP? I'm also going to have my vitamin levels checked, and I'm being checked for celiac disease. She says it doesn't look like I get much sun so she's getting me checked for vitamin D, also because I'm no milk person. And I've had anemia issues in the past. And celiac, well, I seem to have a lot of issues with my stomach and reflux. I'm having a tube put down my throat soon, to see how much damage my reflux has done to my stomach and lining so I don't get esophagus cancer or whatnot. But if I test positive for celiac then I suppose I'll have the second test while they're at that, won't that be pleasant?! I really hope I don't, and I just have a screwy stomach. While I love to put names to things, love having even a bit of closure and we've been chasing my stomach bugs for what feels like forever, i really am a fan of real spaghetti, and breads are my best friends. Gluten, actually. I love gluten. Gluten, gluten, gluten. I'm one of those people who can't seem to respect their bodies. One of those people who votes for abortion and legal prostitution laws, one of those lactose intolerants who loooves cheese, an egg sensitive person who like crepes and cakes and things that happen to have several eggs in them. When I find these things out, they become toxic to me. They consume my thoughts, I do them. I guess they don't seem like a big deal, and they aren't. It justs a constant need, that gets on your nerves. That becomes hard to handle. That hurts you. That you really can't stand, from a legal or emotional or physical standpoint. What am I gonna do.

Sometimes bothering him and it's killing me that it's killing him. I know somethings bothering him when he can't sleep. I know it matters. I'm not crazy. I just wish he'd tell me. Says he just can't sleep, swears it, it makes me so much nervouser when he doesn't just fall out and tell.


It really dawned on me what addiction was today, when I realized I was needing to up my ambien. How I know I will be up for days straight if say, my prescription ever ran out or I was taken off of it suddenly. I really would. I mean, I could stay up two days running without ever thinking about sleep, well, now I could prolly do four days without even being run down. No, I am serious. These pills, make me human. They make me need sleep. I used to be invincible, now I just can't rest enough to feed off of.

I slammed my hip into the stove and it cracked and hurt quite a bit. According to what my mom told me earlier, I guess I'm glad I didn't break a hip, since small, weak bones run in my family, as does osteoporosis. While she proudly told me how strong and thick her bones were, and I  said mine are too. And she insisted that mine were thinner, like memere's. And I love memere dearly, but she broke a foot stepping off the curb. It's not good news, weak bones always seemed so far in the future. Kristina you should really get more calcium. Yeah, I will, in a little while. Well it's been a little while.

Mood Tracker
Post a Comment