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DEJA VU
Jul 29, 2009 11:06AM
- 6 comments
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I married young(17) and had 2 kids by age 20...we were together for 40 yrs before we separated in 07. For most of those 40 yrs my husband suffered deep depression..although until his suicide attempt neither of us knew what it was or what was wrong with him, always just MOODS.
So after his brain injury GSW...I basically looked after him, worked, did all finances and decisions, maintenance to home/vehicle etc etc etc...
I looked aft him and his congnitive impairments for the last 20 yrs of our marriage, through this period..I read and read (not into computers until much later) and learned all I could abt depression and BP and suicide and cognitive impairment etc..I feel I've live it daily for 22 yrs now...with myself also becoming very depressed along for the ride!!
10 yrs ago I learned of my sons substance abuse problems...and I was there for him through many crashes at one time alot of travel was involved there!!
He finely got rid of those devils only to find out he was also BP like his dad and no doubt thats what led to the substance abuse issues....
So now again I am nursing my 38 yr old son.........3 very bad crashes in last 2 yrs........as of May of this year he has now moved in with me as he just couldn't cope on his own and needed me for awhile to be close....he IS/WAS very suicidal.........so here I go again....going thru all the SAME issues my husband had 22+ yrs ago
I live with every up and every down in his life......mostly the extreme sadness and guilt from his past.
I live with the anger outbursts and the lethargy the complete lack of caring for himself or anyone else....
and his son/my grandson (9) is visiting for the summer.he lives with his mom most of the year, 500 miles away...so my son is TRYING his darn hardest to 'enjoy' his son and do things with him, but so sadly he is just going thru the motions!! This breaks my heart because I know the love he has for his son is the ONLY thing that has kept him for suicide these past few years...
How do I cope? I am alone, I guess I'm at fault for most of this as with all the 'family' problems from yrs back I've isolated myself from most people...its hard wearing that old 'public mask' and it becomes easier to just avoid!
The few friends we/I did accumulate over the yrs have either died, moved or simply withdrawn from me/us and all the brain injury/marital problems that became our lives.....can I say I blame anyone for this NO.
There is NO family ties left......again d/t death or just distance and indifference...Just me and my son here.
Oh I do have a daughter also, she's abt 2 hrs away but is into her own life and is licking her long withheld feelings of being only loved secondly to her brother...guess I was always there for him and she feels not for her, I disagree thus the conflict....much unsaid between us.
So theres my life, how do I go thr all this yet again?
I'm 59 yrs old...when do I have peace? and who will be there for me when I'm the one in need?
I feel totally totally alone, like someone else said....I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear..
So after his brain injury GSW...I basically looked after him, worked, did all finances and decisions, maintenance to home/vehicle etc etc etc...
I looked aft him and his congnitive impairments for the last 20 yrs of our marriage, through this period..I read and read (not into computers until much later) and learned all I could abt depression and BP and suicide and cognitive impairment etc..I feel I've live it daily for 22 yrs now...with myself also becoming very depressed along for the ride!!
10 yrs ago I learned of my sons substance abuse problems...and I was there for him through many crashes at one time alot of travel was involved there!!
He finely got rid of those devils only to find out he was also BP like his dad and no doubt thats what led to the substance abuse issues....
So now again I am nursing my 38 yr old son.........3 very bad crashes in last 2 yrs........as of May of this year he has now moved in with me as he just couldn't cope on his own and needed me for awhile to be close....he IS/WAS very suicidal.........so here I go again....going thru all the SAME issues my husband had 22+ yrs ago
I live with every up and every down in his life......mostly the extreme sadness and guilt from his past.
I live with the anger outbursts and the lethargy the complete lack of caring for himself or anyone else....
and his son/my grandson (9) is visiting for the summer.he lives with his mom most of the year, 500 miles away...so my son is TRYING his darn hardest to 'enjoy' his son and do things with him, but so sadly he is just going thru the motions!! This breaks my heart because I know the love he has for his son is the ONLY thing that has kept him for suicide these past few years...
How do I cope? I am alone, I guess I'm at fault for most of this as with all the 'family' problems from yrs back I've isolated myself from most people...its hard wearing that old 'public mask' and it becomes easier to just avoid!
The few friends we/I did accumulate over the yrs have either died, moved or simply withdrawn from me/us and all the brain injury/marital problems that became our lives.....can I say I blame anyone for this NO.
There is NO family ties left......again d/t death or just distance and indifference...Just me and my son here.
Oh I do have a daughter also, she's abt 2 hrs away but is into her own life and is licking her long withheld feelings of being only loved secondly to her brother...guess I was always there for him and she feels not for her, I disagree thus the conflict....much unsaid between us.
So theres my life, how do I go thr all this yet again?
I'm 59 yrs old...when do I have peace? and who will be there for me when I'm the one in need?
I feel totally totally alone, like someone else said....I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear..
Hi
Just happened upon your profile, and journal...do you have the means to see someone for yourself? I also am a caregiver, to my mom...she lives with my family and I, is in remission from lung cancer...thru every hospital stay, etc. I stayed with her 24/7...and there have been several over the last 5 yrs...ranging from 2 weeks to 9 weeks each time...I am giving some background on me as I can relate to some of your feelings...I finally got myself some help ( someone I can talk to and not feel guilty about how I am feeling...)...and it has been slow going, but I am seeing some light...it is very hard to do anything for myself...and you sound like the same type of person...but if you don't take care of you, you won't be able to help others...I know it is easy to say and harder to do...also, have you seen your Dr.? A lot of what you are feeling sounds like depression...I can relate to that, too...anyways, just wanted to say I hope feel better soon, and you are not alone.Take care
Just happened upon your profile, and journal...do you have the means to see someone for yourself? I also am a caregiver, to my mom...she lives with my family and I, is in remission from lung cancer...thru every hospital stay, etc. I stayed with her 24/7...and there have been several over the last 5 yrs...ranging from 2 weeks to 9 weeks each time...I am giving some background on me as I can relate to some of your feelings...I finally got myself some help ( someone I can talk to and not feel guilty about how I am feeling...)...and it has been slow going, but I am seeing some light...it is very hard to do anything for myself...and you sound like the same type of person...but if you don't take care of you, you won't be able to help others...I know it is easy to say and harder to do...also, have you seen your Dr.? A lot of what you are feeling sounds like depression...I can relate to that, too...anyways, just wanted to say I hope feel better soon, and you are not alone.Take care
thx for caring, yes we do have this in common. caregiving is a very selfless task but it does suck the life out of you in worry, quilt, loss of sleep, depression,anxiety, anger etc. etc.
We cannot walk away and are put in a difficult position because we love....I guess better that than no empathy.
Your mom is doing fairly well than? a dx of lung cancer is usually 18mos-2yrs and your mom has gone to 5 yrs now, it must be due to your good care....do you also have young children at home?..you are than caught between your mothers needs and your families and this makes the caregiving even harder to achieve., thus the guilt???.my heart goes out to you dear.
Yes I have had alot of councelling, on and off for 14 or more years...otherwise I wouldn't have survived some of those years, now I may need to start again it helps just to let it all out(this forum is good therapy as well)...there are no solutions for some situations as you know but it helps to have someone else just say...."hey you are doing the best you can and you are doing a good job!"
I am also on antidepressants as I have hit some real low spots along the way, I'm dealing with this new situation fairly well...all I can do is listen for hours when he needs to talk, I can't help otherwise.
again thx for caring
Pat
We cannot walk away and are put in a difficult position because we love....I guess better that than no empathy.
Your mom is doing fairly well than? a dx of lung cancer is usually 18mos-2yrs and your mom has gone to 5 yrs now, it must be due to your good care....do you also have young children at home?..you are than caught between your mothers needs and your families and this makes the caregiving even harder to achieve., thus the guilt???.my heart goes out to you dear.
Yes I have had alot of councelling, on and off for 14 or more years...otherwise I wouldn't have survived some of those years, now I may need to start again it helps just to let it all out(this forum is good therapy as well)...there are no solutions for some situations as you know but it helps to have someone else just say...."hey you are doing the best you can and you are doing a good job!"
I am also on antidepressants as I have hit some real low spots along the way, I'm dealing with this new situation fairly well...all I can do is listen for hours when he needs to talk, I can't help otherwise.
again thx for caring
Pat
It does in deed help to talk to people that understand what i am going thru. And the same goes for you, i thought i was the only one that put on a mask everyday! However, my mask has even went down hill. LOL I used to put the whole get up on before going anywhere. I mean hair fixed, all make up on but over the last 5 years now i am just down to throwing on my sunglasses and use all drive thru's available. Have you ever went thru drive thru for toilet paper. I have...lol. When i can i try to keep laughter in the air. I will write more later but in a bit of a hurry now., thank you so much for replying to my post. You're never alone! Write to me anytime, it helps to just let it out.! thanks for caring. Teresa
You are not alone, come here when ever you feel lonely as you will see there is always someone around who cares ...talking and writing it down is a good thing, Hugs Marg
Thanks for responding to my post, I also read your profile and see a mirror image of myself,don't despair, I know it's easier said than done but this is how I get through life's obstacles and how I've taught my 3 grown sons to deal with their low times.
"Whenever you're feeling real down, take a look around you and you will always see someone else who is in worse shape than yourself." For instance, I'm feeling so alone, no family or friends, too much pain and yet as I look around I see so many others in need, I have a roof over my head, many don't, I am still able to function although painfully, many can't function at all. These are just examples but it helps me to get through the low low times and be thankful for what I do have.
I too have had a very hard life but try not to dwell on it knowing that many others have had it harder than myself.
I was born in northern ont. 4 hrs. from the nearest city/town on a reserve, my metis dad left my mom and took my brother and I with him to Windsor, what a culture shock to a 3 yr. old. My dad was killed in a car accident 2yrs. later so we went to live with his mom, our grandmother. 3 yrs. later she went blind so went to live with my dads sisters family, what a nightmare. I ran away several times, a child knows when they are not wanted anyway they finally told me to leave at 15 yrs. and I've been on my own ever since, It sure hasn't been easy, I have many horror stories but I also have a few good ones. At least I have my 3 sons 28, 26 and 19. 3 yrs. ago myself and my 2 youngest sons were shot several times in our home by 3 punks, we survived, my middle son and myself were shot 5 and 3 times, one of the bullets went through my left thgh and into my sons stomach because I had crouched over him, that saved his life, we're alive but messed up in the heads a bit, my leg is messed up for life but we are all alive and I am ever so grateful for that.
Again thanks for responding to my post and stay in touch if you'd like. I would like it if you did, we can swap stories, share our memories, good or bad, and our back pain and leg pain is very similar, I don't feel so alone now, again thanks
Oh yeah, went to emergency today, the doctor said that in 30 yrs. he has never seen someone with a spine as messed up as mine, he's sending me to an urgent neurosurgical facility in the hospital and contacting my family doctor, finally help or some relief may be on the way, Be careful with the oxycontins, the withdrawals are horrendous, pain patch withdrawals even worse but easier to manage and they help my back pain better, I will be on these for life or until a new cure comes along
Bye for now, Shadi.
"Whenever you're feeling real down, take a look around you and you will always see someone else who is in worse shape than yourself." For instance, I'm feeling so alone, no family or friends, too much pain and yet as I look around I see so many others in need, I have a roof over my head, many don't, I am still able to function although painfully, many can't function at all. These are just examples but it helps me to get through the low low times and be thankful for what I do have.
I too have had a very hard life but try not to dwell on it knowing that many others have had it harder than myself.
I was born in northern ont. 4 hrs. from the nearest city/town on a reserve, my metis dad left my mom and took my brother and I with him to Windsor, what a culture shock to a 3 yr. old. My dad was killed in a car accident 2yrs. later so we went to live with his mom, our grandmother. 3 yrs. later she went blind so went to live with my dads sisters family, what a nightmare. I ran away several times, a child knows when they are not wanted anyway they finally told me to leave at 15 yrs. and I've been on my own ever since, It sure hasn't been easy, I have many horror stories but I also have a few good ones. At least I have my 3 sons 28, 26 and 19. 3 yrs. ago myself and my 2 youngest sons were shot several times in our home by 3 punks, we survived, my middle son and myself were shot 5 and 3 times, one of the bullets went through my left thgh and into my sons stomach because I had crouched over him, that saved his life, we're alive but messed up in the heads a bit, my leg is messed up for life but we are all alive and I am ever so grateful for that.
Again thanks for responding to my post and stay in touch if you'd like. I would like it if you did, we can swap stories, share our memories, good or bad, and our back pain and leg pain is very similar, I don't feel so alone now, again thanks
Oh yeah, went to emergency today, the doctor said that in 30 yrs. he has never seen someone with a spine as messed up as mine, he's sending me to an urgent neurosurgical facility in the hospital and contacting my family doctor, finally help or some relief may be on the way, Be careful with the oxycontins, the withdrawals are horrendous, pain patch withdrawals even worse but easier to manage and they help my back pain better, I will be on these for life or until a new cure comes along
Bye for now, Shadi.
OMG Shadi what a horrible thing to happen to you all...I can't imagine you're fear and to have to live with those terrible memories. not only of the shooting but also of the very hard life you have led...you are a very very strong person to have survived and I give u a big pat on the back for that....makes me want to cry for that little 3 yr old girl and all the trauma.
I agree there are so many in such worse situations and believe me I tell myself this constantly, I too am very thankful I have a roof over my head and surviving..it would be so easy to give up but there are my kids who live with enough stigma already....I volunteer when able with several organizations in town and for a time at the salvation army store(they do such a wonderful job of looking after the under privileged that I like to help as I'm able)
depression is such a selfish emotion even tho we see such terrible situations some children and adults live with we still sit and feel down abt our own good fortunes...........we all need a shake up theres few that are not just a step away from similar conditions...I live on a disability income but that could stop too and I'm no longer able to work at anything so thats a worry always.
I am so glad ur finally getting some help with you'r medical problems..at least its a start, write and let the forum and or me know when you have some news abt the referrals...I may be off site for awhile, I am going to the city for a few days for more cortisone shots.
Yeah I know all abt oxycontin and the other strong pain killers...I am most careful with this, I guess I'm lucky that for me there is no high in fact I feel terrible on them, so light headed and tired.
I see this pain management doctor in the city also when I am away, I don't want an increase but what do you do?
I'm going to ask abt a TENS unit that I've heard is helpful for pain.
you take care and best of luck girl
I agree there are so many in such worse situations and believe me I tell myself this constantly, I too am very thankful I have a roof over my head and surviving..it would be so easy to give up but there are my kids who live with enough stigma already....I volunteer when able with several organizations in town and for a time at the salvation army store(they do such a wonderful job of looking after the under privileged that I like to help as I'm able)
depression is such a selfish emotion even tho we see such terrible situations some children and adults live with we still sit and feel down abt our own good fortunes...........we all need a shake up theres few that are not just a step away from similar conditions...I live on a disability income but that could stop too and I'm no longer able to work at anything so thats a worry always.
I am so glad ur finally getting some help with you'r medical problems..at least its a start, write and let the forum and or me know when you have some news abt the referrals...I may be off site for awhile, I am going to the city for a few days for more cortisone shots.
Yeah I know all abt oxycontin and the other strong pain killers...I am most careful with this, I guess I'm lucky that for me there is no high in fact I feel terrible on them, so light headed and tired.
I see this pain management doctor in the city also when I am away, I don't want an increase but what do you do?
I'm going to ask abt a TENS unit that I've heard is helpful for pain.
you take care and best of luck girl
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