I stopped taking my resperidone the night before i went to the docs. It's no big deal, I've just got the guilt that I filled in that I've taken them. I just go through the click motions, really. If I know it's going to be so.
I would like to eat a mushroom. Any kind but portobello, to me, the smell and texture is like cooked flesh and the actual thought of cannibalism doesn't bother me as much as cooked portobellos do. Makes me heave.
Alice in Wonderland makes me want to draw. I always thought there was something cool about that book, it just felt sort of right to me. I just want to draw it, there's so much personality to it. It would rock if I could draw!
I had YAP. Tom isn't who he used to be, and my patience with him is running thin. I really love flavor blast goldfish. Love, love, love! I want some now! I worked the balls to ask her to buy me a pack. The shame will kill me dead. We had to write a sort of summary about our lives. And then read aloud! Maybe you don't know- but I don't share with the class. I do not, I will not. I will leave the classroom, if need be. I will argue, talk back, I will not write a single serious thing on that paper. My words, if read outloud, just aren't the same. I feel they lose value. The oozing sarcasm and raw wit that are me, just me, don't carry on. I have a unique way of talking, and it sounds silly written. I have mastered both, why make them cross tracks? So I won't. And so I didn't. I gave her my paper after. I said something stupid and then summed up my life like this
"I was born
I was dropped on my head
And the madness ensued"
They asked me a bunch of questions instead. I couldn't even remember the color of my underwear. Don't put me on the spot. Cruel.
My ******* stomach hurts and it's just gotten so progressively worse in the last ten years, I really won't be able to stand it another ten. It just hurts, at this point more often than it doesn't. Anything now, anything to fix it. I promise, I'll stay away from things. What has changed? WHAT?
However, I have nice soft hair. Atleast that's something, because it isn't clean. Bodies are frusterating in that way. I feel so accomplished when I manage tasks like shaving, washing my hair, brushing my teeth at night. Well the fuzz grows back, my hair gets yucky, and my teeth are gross again before I can even enjoy any of it. I am subpar.
Both their little ferret faces are pointed towards me and I feel loved. Tiny eyes closed, they are such lights in my life. They're so simple and bones so fragile. The innocence of animals, just stumps me. How did we become so corrupt? My babies are content to lay wrapped in a blanket 20 of their 24 hours a day- and the other four they spend milling around the house. They don't get crazy about it, they just like to walk around. Each day the house is new to them. Don't tell me they have tiny brains, I know they don't. You would know too, if you knew them. If you knew anything. Hammie can find whatever he wants, set his mind to it, and take it wherever his fast little heart desires. Whether it be my favorite pair of gloves, sneaker, or my dog's chew toy. Tatortot's a special little guy. Cuddly as a bug, he's so trusting. They let me baby them, both of them old men let me cradle them and rock and coo, and they don't wriggle for a long time for little guys. I love them.
steve came over. We had another "Noo, YOU come over HERE". His house scares me, if I must admit it. It makes me nervous. I feel like whenever the first time I go to someone's house. And I spend the whole day bright red, embarassed that I take up space. Apolygizing, shy, and then I get too confortable. And ruin everything. And I don't want to go. Can't we just stay here?! We watch a lot of movies and I won't lie, that's who I am. That's how I learned. My brother, I love my brother, I miss my brother, I wish I had been closer to him, our whole lives. But my brother and his girlfriend, whom I'm fond of, and I am upset they are broken up, they always used to watch movies and I really am a lot like her. Not always, but I am. The shyness and not wanting to join the family dinner, being content to sit on the couch and just be together. Steve's family likes to go out, his brother and sister think we're boring cause we don't like to go places. I feel like I should want to go somewhere. But if we'd both rather be home, why spend the money? The effort? The time? The gas?
I wore a dress today. Because my mind was foggy this morning. I keep being awake, and then my eyes will sort of roll and I fill just fade into unconciousness without thinking about it. I am not actively trying to sleep. I forgot what this feels like. It happens a lot in school. I put my head down if I feel it coming, becasue I just look silly when my neck collapses and I'm still sitting up. When I nod and my eyes droop and flutter, even when I'm completely asleep. I'm annoying. Oh, this is relevent to me wearing a dress today because I walked straight back into my closet, put my hand out, and grabbed the first thing I came to. If it had been just a pair of socks, I probably would have tried to leave like that. Becuase I had just gotten out of bed, and a half hour later my eyes were still fading and I looked like the living dead. Delayed responses, the whole deal.
Me and steve played zombies, speaking of. I love zombies. Actually know, that isn't correct. I really, really, REALLY hate zombies. I screamed my *** off through Sean of the Dead. I will not watch Dawn of the Dead. Most horror films today have to do with the living dead. That's just what scares us, and I am no exception. Except I'm ******* terrified. I don't know if this has to do with my unique traits (pyschotic symptoms) or is just me. No ghosts, no frankenstein walk, no not dying when hit with a crowbar, no bodies in the walls, no human fire pits, no excercisms, no, no, NO. NO. But like I said, I like movies =[. And the unhealthy tempts me far too much. I mention all those things because I've seen them before. Huh. But something about those who will not stay dead, who lurk, and feel no pain, drives me down the street and into a shallow grave. I enjoy the game nazi zombies because I am wielding the Ak-47 and shanking knife, and they are wielding nazi stickers. What's not fun about kicking some nazi bottom? I admit I'm the first to shriek when the room is overtaken or one starts to run, though.
My stomach really hurts. It just generally aches and it comes in waves that give me goose bumps and make my eyes wide and I don't like to talk about it all that much because people just give you wierd looks. If I was a big, or bald, I would get bad looks. If you'll pardon the generalizations. But since I'm "adorable" with wide eyes and goose bump, I can say I have a tummy ache and people just go "awww, kristina, have you been eating that ice cream again?" And I make puppy dog eyes and say "yeah". Because, well, I have. So haha.