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I hate this!!!!!

May 17, 2008 - 2 comments
Tags:

living in chronic pain

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Scared and confused

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Chronic Pain

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Lost



I went to a hospital outside of our city. They did numerous test due to my symptoms. Stroke they thought it was. Well, it's been lasting for years if so but I wasn't complaining. At least they cared. They gave me a shot of Valium and tordal(spelling?) and it last 4 hours exactly.It relieved me somewhat so I could sleep for a second. But then the test began. Then pain was back after 4 hours and I left with the same pain plus worse. Oh, and a prescription for cymbalta ($119.00) and 800 mg.Ibuprophen which I can't take due to my stomach. I took it anyway. Didn't help but may have eased it. There's no wonder there are so many people looking everywhere for someone who will let them have just one pain med. I mean, I hurt so much. From the time I get up till I go to bed. I am in constant pain. I think horrible things but my 3 children keep me going. I feel so bad they don't have me as a whole Mom though. I do what I can to be the "old' me. I used to play ball and there was never a dull moment. Now I feel like this pain has consumed me and I am the pain. So many don't take me serious. I wish I were lying because then I'd choose to lie about something that would be a heck of a lot better than a pain that never goes away.I did find though, if I am in the tanning bed, at least then it eases up a bit. But this is going on 2 to 3 years of no relief which lead me to where i am now. Do I wanna hurt or feel somewhat ok?? The only doc. I found to take me serious is the chiro. He saw first hand how screwed up my neck and down is. All the way to my tail bone. He says over and over, "I know what you hurt" but I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING!!! I was always the mom who played with all the kids. Who was a kid herself and now I feel old and drug down. I don't even think anyone in my family except 1 brother really takes me serious. I don't even leave the house really. I have missed so much life. I carry the kids where they need to go but on bad days I ride. I steer with my left hand mainly so it throbs all the way up the back of my neck on those bad days, I just feel so hopeless. I feel like since I have no insurance I am doomed to live this way til the end. That is scary. I feel like I may be going nuts and it's all over this pain. TO constantly have a nagging burning throbbing pain and to feel like nobody believes in you, it just gets so bad. My husband , now, He knows because he has sen it many times when  my arms goes completely numb and I am unaware it will so I have dropped so many things. Then I just cry. I don't know. I just really feel so bad today. I feel ashamed. I exclude myself from life, from my friends, and I am just falling deeper and deeper into this pain. Letting it control me. How can I not let it? It  is always there???????????????????????? I feel like a crutch in life to my family. I am so sick of it. I know I hurt. I do not know where the pain originates from but I know I hurt every day. And I know I am sick of it!

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by Paboo, May 18, 2008
Hi, OneTiredMom . . . I take you seriously.  I know the pain you are in.  I feel the pain that you are in.  And yes, it does hurt, it is constant, and insurance or not, there is no cure.  I have had the pain for several years myself and have just recently stopped ALL of my medication.  Some of it was working against each other causing more side effects.  The weather, being so dreary, is not helping.  But, the Lord knows my pain, knows the situation, and He already knows the outcome.  I trust in Him to bring me through it.  I don't understand, and sometimes question Him, WHY does He allow His children to suffer, but then I think of Jesus.  Am I better than HE????  Not at all; no where close.  So I just pray for the grace needed to bring me through the pain.  I pray that for you today.  That God would give you sufficient grace and strength to make it through the day and enjoy the beauty of His creation today.  I will be thinking of you throughout the day today.

Blessings,
Paboo

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by OnetiredMom, Jul 04, 2008
Thank you Paboo. I do think of Jesus very often and his sacrifice for me. I mean me?? Who am i anyway? To the Lord I am his child and I feel so selfish at times. I think horrible thoughts about my life and how I would rather end it some days but that in itself is such a selfish way to be. It's so annoying to wake up, day after day, in pain. Day after day. Don't feel like doing anything at all. I feel like I am wronging my family. I am really. I need to get off this poor me situation and realize there are people much worse. I just hate to be all wrapped up in this pain that seems to control me all the darn time!!! I am so mad. I wish I could go back to when I had my accident and maybe have slowed down for a sec. Thought about myself and really pushed for proper med. attention. I do not know if my pain will ever end. I have came to the conclusion it won't. I just need to learn to live with it, deal with it and move on. There are people much worse. Anyway, I am just rambling I suppose and I need to get up and carry some food that I cooked out to the 4th thing we are having. I'll try to check in more but I have a hard time sitting here for more than a bit. We bought a new desk to see if that would help. f I help my neck a dif. way but it is just the same. Some days are better than others. Thanks again. Have a  great 4th!

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