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When in the end you don't get ice cream.

Aug 01, 2009 - 3 comments
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the end

,

test

,

Cancer

,

YOU!



Dear Journal,
Well it's been a while since I came and faced you or spoke about how I feel or what's going on in my life so maybe I better catch you up on some things.
As you know my visits to the Doc. have become more frequent, more blood test to find out why my red blood cells are not reproducing or  if they are why are they dieing off. But more serious than that was the fact I had fluid around my liver so they thought the opiate abuse for so long had some thing to do with all that. My last liver function test proved that my liver was working fine. I did how ever go in for  a cat scan on my abdomen and what they found was not so good. They found a tumor on my left ovary the size of a football which is producing the fluid in my stomach region. They don't know if its cancer or not but did a series of blood work to see what type cells are there. They have to schedule me for surgery but they are concerned about my red blood cell count. She, the surgeon said that she would like to see that raise up a little bit prior to surgery and even if it goes up I will probably need a transfusion. She called it a high risk surgery. Just the thing I wanted to hear. I feel like I've been shot at and missed and sh-t at and hit.
You know whats weird is I don't even have any fear about the cancer thing, you do what you have to do, but what does make me really mad is the fact that I have to go through the healing process again of abdomnal surgery. And I'm not happy about the thought that I might die from this, duh, it's not like I'm ready to do that by any means. I have five grandbabies to watch grow up, I want to have Starbucks coffee with my daughter again, I want to get mad at my son for teasing me so much, I want to snuggle with my hubby for a lot longer and listen to hippie music. I'm just not ready for all this cr_p to happen. I still have paintings to paint.  

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by turkee23, Aug 01, 2009
you are still going to paint, get mad at your son, see those grandbabies drive, and get to come back to medhelp n talk to me!!!......god is good and he is going to get u thru this......i love you gram!!

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by Hollander, Aug 02, 2009
Ive been researching pain-killer addiction all night and found your post about the pill addiction, which led me here. First...you sound like a strong woman, and I'm sure you're going to get through this. and if it helps it any way (i hope it does) I've been addicted to vicodin for three years now...but tonight I decided I to stop, no matter what, and your post here, the descriptions of everything you still want to do inspired me to stop...now. You still have the time to do all of it. I don't know...I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with what you're dealing with...but your words are inspiring and you have to keep fighting and keep listening to hippie music....God bless you and good luck....

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by nanal575, Aug 02, 2009
Look at how you can.....and DO inspire others Jan ! I'm so sorry you have to go through another surgery........and......the fear of the unknown. NONE of us know the length of our lives......now do we ? But God has promised......we're never alone......and that has been very comforting to me. I hope it is for you too. We haven't spoken in a while.........big congrats in getting through the addiction to pain killers........what a strong and vibrant woman you are ! Now the next hurdle.....eh ? I know in my heart.....you're going to get through all this......just fine ! Your strength and beauty will shine through to the other side.........just wait and see ! You will paint........have coffee with your daughter again......see you grandbabies grow...........at least that's my hope and my prayer for you................peace and love......Norma

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