Not much of a holiday...miss the good ones...

Hi it's been a few days since I last wrote and now that my lowest point of the holiday weekend has past, it would help me to write this out.  My lowest point, this afternoon. Again, I cannot help the overwhelming blue tide that gripped me again. I cried it out. Fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours, and woke up still low, and still shedding tears.  
I finally cleanup up my face, had dinner and am going to sit here for a while.  It's seems that I can't seem to really enjoy myself or anything I do.  I should be feeling proud that I made it all the way past my stop sign with the cane. I should be contented with everything I have as some do not have.  I saw family yesturday. Everytime I get questioned about this MS stuff I am ok at the time, only to draw up thoughts that depress me later on. Later, like when I am alone. Or when I try to walk around, and of course when I get so damn tired I can only think of how much I should be doing right now.  

Had no turkey on Thursday.  I haven't drove in weeks that I never made it to the store to pick one out. Nobody seemed to even think it was a holiday in my house this year. It was like another Saturday.  My brother's wife just had twins and they didn't do anything. My dad and his wife stayed home too. I have another brother, he lives far. And well, My sister has not spoken to me since I was in the hospital. Maybe she went away for the week. My husband's family all live far away too. His parents are gone.  I think of when we were dating, and when we were first married. Every holiday would be this huge event at his parent's house.  Lots of food, lots of people, lots of fun. Now the family is all seperated.  After his parent's past, I started luring my own family to my home, and attempted to keep all together.  But my family is different. It  seemed to work for awhile, then lil differences came between all.  Seems silly all those lil things everyone complains about.  Does anything really matter?  Everyone gets their feelings hurt or takes something someone says up in the wrong way.  Is it always that everyone is so strong headed not to get over it?

I never wanted much in life.  Just a roof, food, simple clothing, and people  to share it with. So many people want so much more. My family is included.  I have told them that most stuff, is just that, stuff.  Yeah, you may smile when you get it. But once it's use or novelity is up, then you just have it taking up space.  I always wanted a house, with a fence, a dog, husband, kids, a job, and 2 weeks vacation to actually go somewhere and make some memories of enjoying being with them.  It seems that I got some of that. The house, dog, spouse, kids, and a job. Yes, I am thankful.

I do, however, would like to get my degree.  Would like to go on a real vacation.  Would like to move up in my job, the same chair for the last 18 years is worn out.  It's like this MS depresses me to think that I still will never do those things.  I gotta stop thinking about this.  hate feeling blue   :[