Jul 14, 2014
Okay well this isn't going exactly as planned...
Ii don't know exactly what I want to write in this journal, so I am just going to sort of write whatever.. not like I usually do and plan it and make sure it makes sense. To those who usually read my journals, I hope you do not get annoyed by anything I say/write, and im sorry if we have discussed this before. Now, lets hope this makes sense. Fingers crossed.
Anywho... okay here we go:
Well I have been doing well, mentally, anxiety wise. I have to admit, I am extremely thankful that I am not where I was only a few months ago. Because that was hard and I felt so confused... but I felt like people cred about me then. I mean, don't get me wrong, im a lot happier... but I have times where it feels like there is something missing. And every now and then I may have a day where I allow myself to feel the anxiety/negative thoughts (instead of trying to relax), and I remember what used to feel like every day. I felt more important with anxiety, and although I still have it and may always have it, I am able to cope better with it now... but I don't feel strong or brave in any way anymore, or even proud of myself.
Which leads me to school; I cant help but keep comparing myself to some other girls. The smart ones, the so called "nerds" or "the best in the class". Dammit, why do they have to be so smart. I feel so stupid... and now that I think about it, its not just because of them, its just every student at my school. You see, I know that everyone has potiential. and I sometimes look at those girls around me who I know aren't trying in work, and I imagine how much they could accomplish if they did. And I look at the girls who don't bother to fuss about how smart they are, like I do... they kind of just do it. They don't realise how intelligent they are... that people like me are looking at them and wishing to be like them, wishing they could just get it done without worrying about what level they are at.
Its scary knowing I have around 6 months left until I am through to my final 2 years of secondary school. Was I ever in with a chance in the first place? A chance of doing well and being confident in my education and my ability before I hit the senior years? Maybe I never was meant to be one of those smart girls, maybe I was always someone who had to work extremely hard to just be average. Yep, that has to be now... the average 15 year old girl. Every hope of wanting to be different and special, gone. I wanted the students in my class to look to me... looks like its never going to happen. Goodness how I wish I could just star over, there would be so many things I would change. But I can't, and I am trying a hell of a lot to move on. But lets face it, I wont be making myself proud for a while.
Okay well I am not going to fill this journal up with negativity, because that's what im working on, and I know I am better than that.
But one more thing, I have noticed lately, or for a while, that I keep trying to cling to people. Similar to what happened with the teachers (only some people on here will know what I am talking about). But its like I only cling to them because they care about me and I want to open up to them. Is this just a stupid fantasy? I should just forget the world and focus on me... because I am seriously sick of fighting these emotions when it comes to people I care about. They don't care about me as much as I care for them. I don't understand wh I cant just be happy with the family I have, and the friends I have.
Wow, well if I were well focused on school, then this journal would probably never have been written... I should, but im getting into that "it's too late" mindset now. What if it is? What if I blew it? And the only way to get through it, is to do really bad on my year 11 and 12 exams, and then be ashamed of it the rest of my life.
I want to be the way I used to be. Working too hard, anxiety and all. i'll take it, if it just means im doing something with my life. At least I was determined back then...