uppers and downers and uppers and...

Yes it's true - I'm really reaching some kind of edge again. even considered checking out this retreat but the cost was pro-hib-itive. Plus I don't really 100% believe their total philosophy, and I've already dealt with so much of what they talk about. I really do think my problems are bigger than just needing to find a life lesson, and "doing happy" etc.

Lastly, I've given in - I'm sick of sleeping my life away so I've started taking....pseudoephidrine...ie. speed in a legal format. I know, I know, messy and bad, but hey it gives me energy - but mate, makes me irritable - but then so does depression so maybe there's no diff? anyone just one every second day. GOD i need help, I need a decent psychiatrist who can sort all this out, I need finances not to be such a stress... even though we are treading water, at least we're not drowning...yet. *sigh* It's just a long long battle and it seriously pisses me off that this is my life.. only because it's NOT how life is meant to be, i feel out of control, I feel that I don't even have a say in my mood/mood swings. I know I have a choice how i react but I seriously doubt anyone who says I DO have control over my feelings has ever actually had real, bipolar depression but anyway...

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