Strong people cry sometimes,my daughter reminded me of that shot #22

I have always been told how strong I am, from the time I was a little girl. I did not live a charmed childhood. By the time I was 9 years old I was really like a 30 year old.  I was living by myself by the time I was 14, and truthfully even though my mom still lived with me up until I was 14, i was pretty much on my own by the time I was 9. Adults used to talk to me and remark about how old I seemed to them. When your a kid you think thats cool. You don't realize that your childhood is slipping away, and that you can't get it back. So here I am almost 40 years old, and I have been through hell and back for most of my younger years, making me this tuff girl. Here I am with this illness that needs me to take a shot once a week and feeling like a coward.

I have felt like a failure since this began almost 22 weeks ago. I cry like a little girl. I wanted to be this strong mom in the eyes of my children and yet I am crying. I am scared. It doesn't help that last week's shot was horrible. So its 930 pm we got a late start, we were busy with baseball games and spring band shows. My daughter Kristina smiled at me this evening and said, "don't worry mom I am going to be there tonight for the shot"  All I could think about is, how can I let this kid down, how did I get to this place. So its time to take the shot, and I am a mess. I was crying to my husband and Kristina is her usual self, full of smiles and jokes and ready to hold me. I was also a little nervous because I fell today and landed on my right  leg, its sore and of course its the leg that I have to take the shot.
So I am holding tina and I asked her to just talk to me, and she is singing to me " Jesus loves me this I know"  and I love that song, so I began to sing with her. In went the shot, wasn't as bad as last week. Now I am crying to kristina and she said " mom you do this every week, you say your sorry and you cry." I told her that I felt bad that she sees me so scared and that I should be brave for her,( what kind of mother am I ?) She looked at me and said, " being brave doesn't mean you can't cry or be scared," " being brave means despite how much you are afraid and how much it hurts you still take it every week" She said I think your real brave mom, because you take the shot every week even though your scared and you don't want to." 'Thats what makes you brave"  smart girl.

I have always considered myself a strong kid, then a strong teenager then a strong young women and now because of stupid needle I have convinced myself that I am a failure, and a coward. I cried many times as a child, but I never hated myself for it, I cried as a teenager and a young adult and never ever saw my tears as some kind of symbol that I was weak. It took my 12 year old daughter to remind me of that. I thanked her for her words of wisdom, and for letting me off the hook. I still can't wait for the day this becomes as natural as tying my shoes. That I don't get scared or cry. Or maybe its o.k that I am scared and that I cry. It keeps me humble.

until next week
Cindi