33 hours clean

this is awful, lucky this time my husband knows, for the first time in 2 years i have felt like a couple, to give a bit of history in the last 4 years, I lost my brother to cancer at age 30, got married, have had 2 children, bought a house, and started my own business, writing that seems so overwhelming lol i havent really thought about it, but i know i started abusing after i lost my brother, being strong for my parents, for my son, i didnt deal with it, so the "hug" you feel the warmth from oxy is what i have been living for- without me realizing it. My days are spent thinking of when i can get it, when i can take it, when someone will figure out i have a problem and stop me, i am a mess without it, no energy, no motivation, no life. i need out from under this but im pretty sure i cant do this at home- but again i have no one to watch my kids, i would go in a heartbeat to an inpatient program, if it would fit into my life- i watched a video of me from 2 years ago when my son was born, i was such a different person, happy, full of energy, now i have turned into a couch potato stoned out of my mind most of the time- no one knows- at least i dont think they know, until my husband told me, i am a shell of who i was- i dont know how to get back to her.. i dont know if she is there anymore.

it doesnt hurt this way- i have actual pain- alot some days but i know the more stressed i get the more oxy i need, i know i am fooling myself- docs say dependent vs addicted- to me its a blurred line that you dont see yourself crossing until its too late..all i can think of is getting my pills but at the same time realizing im doing ok, 33 hours and im ok- i feel like i can do it, but i fail everytime this will be the longest without, any advice at all i welcome