more

I am almost at a day and half now without my pills, for some reason knock on wood the withdrawl isnt as painful as i remember or it hasnt hit yet- hopefully the first is right- i actually tried taking clarition sinus and allergy for the withdrawl, when you have allergies its very simular to the gross cold shivers, and runny nose, it has given me energy suprisingly on top of that just taking multi vitamin and b100 ...hoping this doesnt get much worse, i may do it this time im laying in bed now with my son staring at him and wondering how i continue to do this, he would never forgive me if something happend, i imagine him as an adult with me and without me there - which way is he better off, my husband could meet someone better, worthy of my kids, worthy of him. i dont know how i got here
i can rewind my life and see the points where there was a problem, i remember the first few times taking percocet after surgery and the incredible feeling you got, at the start it was minor 1 a day or it would make me too drowsy, then i found clariton i could take that and then i was able to take more percs, it woke me up, i used to never ever take anything while my husband was at work, it started once where i hurt my back and took something for it and i was still fine with my kids, and it kind of snowballed from there, i know that now it has become an obsession, i would listen to the take evrery 4-6 hours, til i saw my dads script after surgery said take 2 every 3 hours, suddenly i was allowed to take more- i alllowed it, then it became once the high wore off i would take more and more and more, now i never look at the clock, i go by feelings, the worst thing i remmeber was my son standing in the living room and me not realizing i dozed off with my head up i kind of woke myself up suddenly and found him staring at me, it hurt my heart what i was doing to him, i should be out like those super moms taking him to all these programs and functions, i dont have the energy- and all i think of is when i can get home and take more. this hurts to write as i know i want to be a good mom, i know there is worse than me, but who i am how i was raised i would never have imagined this
i always told one of my friends who was a partier that i was so happy i didnt get into drugs in school cause i knew i would get addicted- i shielded myself from the addiction, even though i was addicted to something at all times, i think i have taken something- anything ever single day, for the last 10 years or so, its like im addicted to being addicted, i dont know how to just be me, like if i am its not good enough, i love my life that we have built i just look around and want to kick myself i still remember the exact day i got percs on consistant basis, friend told me she worked with a surgeon and he gave percs cuase tylenol 3 made patients nauseus - tried that excuse and it worked.... perfectly i wish i never talked to my friend that day, i wish she didnt tell me what would inevitably become my black hole.
it has been a struggle the first time i knew it was a problem, i was in the car listening to the radio and a song by pink was on,

and part of the song said

"When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryin' to find a friend"

and i broke into tears the you that you once had, i ached for her to be back here, i just dont know where she is... hopefully she is in here somewhere.