Want to die

With Social Security the essential thing is to have detailed verifiable evidence from your psychiatrist (or for any other physical disability you have). If you are denied take it to appeal. The chances of winning increase at every stage. Independent living centers can offer pro bono (free) representation:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
As well this site might be of help:
http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/

I applied in 2004 ... Did DBT and took a lot of klonopin and forced my way through (barely) working for about a year or so before hearing bad anticipated news from my disability attorney about what he thought would happen after my hearing .. I held it together for a while and got the letter.. held it together a few more days.. lost it, went to psych ward again, they had me so drugged up that I was sleeping through picking my son up from his after school program. :-(  I was sleeping at work when I went back.. then he had me sign a voluntary employment termination agreement after he filled out my social security questionaire he filled out.  I thought he was firing me but I didn't really undestand.  

Anyway.

Thanks for the links, I'll check them out.

                                  Trust GOD, Trust Faith, Trust Life, Dare To Believe, and it will teach you,
                                                         in joy and sorrow, all you need to know.

                                                                                                  
                                                                                             ~ James Baldwin, American novelist, and poet
                                                                                                                        (1924 -1987)

Pain is so hard. And it's hard to keep going when you feel so down. Tiredness makes you feel like that, and always struggling when you haven't got the energy. But your son would miss you terribly if you were to die. There will be a way. You will find a way to have some relief from all this. Keep believing and don't give up yet.

There's nothing wrong with thinking about dying. I've done that, on many occasions. But I'm sure you don't really want that. What you want is comfort, and relief from pain, and change. It will come. Don't lose hope. Take care, Ginger.

Wow honey I'm so sorry you feel like this. I will help you in anyway I can. Please don't do it if not for you don't for you son. I need you to post me more info so I can try to help you if you want that

You and your son are in my thougths and prayers. Please stay strong...I know it is hard right now but your son needs you to be strong as much as you need to be. God bless you my dear.

It is difficult to have anything hard and concrete in your medical records when you are so full of nuttiness.  I don't see a counselor or prescriber unless I'm doing REALLY poorly and can't cope anymore.  I've been diagnosed with plenty of things, on and off every type of med but MAOIs since 1995...  (Mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics etc..)  Most make matters worse.

Even though I have hyper sensitivity I'm being told that the problems with my neck and back that show up on x-ray shouldn't be causing me the amount of trouble they do, so they are trying to write it off.  Also, the last judge I had was some hard *** Korean War Veteran who was very well decorated and didn't take well to "sissies" .. my attorney told me that I came to him as a WOMEN with FIBROMYALGIA who uses CANNABIS.  My case was closed before he started talking to me. :-(

As far as the fibro pain etc... they can't test for that.  So as far as they can prove they can only show mild to moderate degenerative disc disease, mild scoliosis, straightening of the cervical lordosis and lumbar arthritis with facet degeneration.  I'm not even 30 yet.  

Now I am starting to wonder how the 3 or 4 overdoses I attempted this week may have done to my body... not only that, but I was so angry over them sending a welfare check that I fired my therapist and my prescriber!  :-(((((((((((

.. and someone I waited 14 years to come back itno my life came back for all of 2 months and then ditched me with no explanation ... I don't know how I am supposed to keep going on.  I have to push through this **** and how I feel every day allllllll day long, unless I drug myself to sleep.. which I ran out of pills to do so with.  I want to start cutting again... I know it's not good to do, but it may help keep me from killing myself.

Committing suicide is a choice.  I think a person has to be very, very brave to make it.  Sometimes the pain never goes away and we can't deal with it.  Cowards don't commit suicide.  No one but the Almighty can tell you what to do and the answer to your pain is within your own mind and soul.  My advice - for what it's worth - is hang on as long as you can.  We all want to survive but not all of us can accept that we can only take so much pain.  May the Almighty and your ancestors be with you.  I'm considered crazy but who defines what crazy means.  Peace to you and those you love, an emotion I have never known.

Thank you, lonewolf07...

I think you are right.  As humans (as other animals) we have built-in survival mechanisms.  We do what we can to keep ourselves alive.  There is only so much energy, so much pain and so much tolerance each person has though.  I also agree that suicide is a huge decision, not one I am taking lightly.  I have most of the things planned in advance should I decide to do so...

What I find disturbing is that I didn't ask to be alive, I didn't ask for most of what I have, but there are other humans... these are humans, not beings or entities that should have any more rights than myself etc... that FORCE ME to stay alive.  That do everything in their power to not let me die... so essentially I feel as though they are forcing me to live through hell.  That makes me resent them a bit.  I understand it's mostly their own benefit.. I won't go into all that.

But it sounds like you have a decent level of understanding about it in my opinion...

I'm not sure I've ever really felt love either.  I've thought I've seen it, then found out later it wasn't real.  So I'm not sure what it really is anymore....

Thank you.

Usually you get turned down the first time you go for disability, and sometimes even the next time. This is very common and has happened to everyone I know who has tried to get it. Don't give up because It will take time but I know you'll get it. Your in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sending big hugs your way. Corena

Dear Emerald-

Dear friend, I too suffer with chronic pain and fatigue; was diagnosed 5 years ago with Fibromyalgia and I have had chronic Migraines and other types of headaches for much longer.  I have been through many struggles with working, barely working, taking medical leave, not getting long term disability, fighting with the Insurance Company, etc. etc.  

What helps me is to try my best to live every day the best I can, and if a day is too much to handle, I break it down to an hour at a time, or a minute.... there ARE people who will show you love, please believe this.  When you are feeling your worst, be your own best friend and do something to pamper yourself - just simple things like a warm blanket, a cup of tea, a chocolate bar....

I am praying to our Creator for you now, for someone near you to reach out to you and show you the love that is inside all of us.  Don't hurt yourself or kill yourself; there is a reason you are here - you will find it, and re-gain your willingness to live.  With love, Tonee

Thank you for the kind words everyone. :-(

Corena, I filed in 2004 for disability and if I'm lucky I might get my second hearing December '09 or January '10.  Maybe they will take me more seriously.  I haven't got a ton of hope left.

At least my therapist was willing to take me back. :-(

I kicked all my friends to the curb, deactivated all my social networking accounts and stopped using my IM... now I basically sit here and cry.

I haven't been eating and drinking properly for about 3 weeks and I no longer have any Lyrica for my fibro... My fatigue is so bad that I folded my tiny little bed thing back into a couch and set the pillows on it and then was too exhausted to take a shower or do anything but just sit here.  Which I am still doing.

Disability hearing probably December or January - First available appointment with the new doctor - end of January. :-(

It's getting harder and harder to hang on.. but there is obviously a part in me somewhere, even if it's a faint glow, that still wants to live.

When I tried killing myself in the past, I was left with a feeling of "this wasn't meant to happen now.. I am SUPPOSED to be here." ... the 3 or 4 x I overdosed the in the last few weeks have only enraged me that I didn't manage to make it.

The little things of taking care of myself... don't interest me.  So I have gotten to the point I don't find comfort in them.. I make tea and don't drink it, I pour water and don't drink it, I look in the fridge and cupboards and it turns my stomach, so I don't eat... I force myself to take a bath and I lie in there and bawl and want to cut myself.

I am very much alone with the exception of people who send me messages of encouragement via text.  I have no friends. :-(  I thought I did... but if things are fluffy and fun, they don't want to have anything to do with me.  Fair-weather friends.... and because of my social issues I don't really know how to have REAL friendships.  Never have had one.

I know this might sound like nothing but have you asked your doctor for Vitamin B shots? Sometimes Vitamin B can help in a weird way, where drugs don't.

And as for friends....I can count mine on one hand (for a whole lifetime) Real ones are quite unique. But I'm getting to the point where even if no-one really seems to understand me, I am grateful for "gestures of genuine friendliness" even if from people I hardly know. Like for instance, on here.
But actual, physical loneliness, day-to-day, in real time life, is hard, I know.

Even though you are suffering I think that somewhere in you is the hope that things CAN get better somehow. I would think of trying to hang on and try to get some help if you can yet, before choosing to die.

I had B-12 injections years ago when they said I had pernicious  anemia.. basically B-12 deficient.  I have (though haven't recently been taking) 5,000mcg methyl B-12 and I started taking a vegan total omega fatty acid supplement.. I have yet to notice any results.

I'm depressed to the point now that I think it's getting worse because I am OFF my ADD meds.  No stimulant and I have fibro fatigue and depression lethargy coupled with no motivation because I've lost nearly all my hope.  You are right though, there is a small bit of it left there.

Eating a B-12 right now.. just for you.

I was told by my most current GP that with all the B-12 supplements I take (the 5000mcg is the high dosage one) and the fact that I was taking them regularly, the odds of me being deficient are pretty slim.  If I remember to do so, I will start taking one every other day or every 2 days for a week or two though.  If I take them daily they increase my anxiety and give me heart palpitations.  (Which is something that happens to me anyway.. but usually only menstrual related)

If it's any help, I was turned down several times before I finally got disability.As much as I wanted to give up with trying, I got help and even moved to another state to continue, we finally got it. I had to seen in a hearing in front of a judge. He ruled against me and we had a reconsideration hearing. Finally we got it, though I had to continue showing that I am looking for a job and trying to be productive. As a result I also got a back payment from when I started the application process two years before they ruled in my favor.

You may have to take a tough attitude on it and refuse to let them win. There is a lot of red tape, but if you are persistent, they can't win.

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through all of this.My mom has Fibromyalgia and i know by watching her that it is terrible to deal with.But please dont give up hope.The Lord will not put anymore on you than he knows you can bare.You have a little boy that needs his mom.}Fight for the will to live for him.I wish that i could help you somehow.I will be praying for you and if you ever need to talk i am here.May God Bless you and heal all your pain.It will get better...Chan