Disheartened 30th August 09

Ok, so yesterday i woke up with bags of energy and feeling really happy and for the first time like a normal human being...like old times.  So i decide to give the house a good clean.  Hasn't had the knooks and crannys cleaned for a while now, so spent most of the day cleaning.  Once was done i had that refressed feeling, cause the house was so tidy and smelt lovely and i felt a sense of acheivement.

Then i realised i'd overdone it cause my nerves, not anxiety, but actual nerves started to fire off.  What i mean by this is it feels like i become a human electric pilon... i can feel my body humming and vibrating and i get pain in the souls of my feet, like a burning numbing pain.  Felt jittery and jumpy and unsettled.  

Anyway, didn't enjoy last night cause of this, didn't feel relaxed.  Slept in total from last night roughly 15/16 hours, napped today for a couple included, but burning pain still remains in feet as i type this..... feel extremely tried, like i've run the ******* marathon.... i mean for **** sack all i did was clean the house and it wasn't hard labour or anything... i had help.  I didn't come out in any kind of a sweat, i was throughly enjoying myself.

But this is my life cause you see as soon as i start to feel any kind of enjoyment something will come along and crush this feeling and replace it with ****... a big bowl of stinking dog ****.... making me feel as if nothing is ever gona be the same again.

The life i am living is that of a 90 yr old in an old peoples home, don't go anywhere, don't do anything because i either don't have the energy or my nerves act up and stop me.  The only thing that is different is i don't put my teeth in a ******* glass next to my bed of a night and i don't stink of antiseptic cream......

I JUST WANT TO FEEL FREE!!!!!