Sep 10, 2009
Well, i haven't written in a while. Its not that i didnt want to, but I guess I was feeling like i shouldnt try to dwell as much on the unknown. People keep telling me everything will be ok, and its not justified that i worry so much....I have finally come to terms will thinking they can all shove it, bc I am worried, and it IS normal, and well... I just cant help it. Im not going to feel guilty for feeling. Im a nervous wreck and writing helps me, so im back.
Ok, enough venting.
Its thursday night, and Im sitting in bed thinking thatv this scan may or may not tell me anything, and my biggest fear is that tomorrow I will have no more information than today. Its like this-if they grow-its most likely cancer. If they dont grow for 2yrs, they are considered stable and ill only get scanned once a year thereafter. What worries me, is that I feel like i have a timebomb inside my chesst, and that at any time, it could burst into living cancer cells that grow. I mean, what I dont understand, is if its not cancer----what is it? the drs never once address that question. "its stable if no growth for 2 yrs", "if it doesnt grow its probly not cancer"---what the hell is "it:? if it grows its cancer, so doesnt that mean even if it doesnt grow for 2 yrs, and at any moment it could start growing---that its just inactive cancer? I dont know-but what I do know is that its tearing my berves apart!!!!!
I havent had any infection, i havent even been to the midwest since i was 3 yrs old, and only one nodules appears to be a scar - and it makes sense that that ones a scar since i had a previous pneumothorax in that area. but what are the other 11 nodules? They are all over in n out and werent there in any previous scans jusy 6months before---im scared as hell and im not afraid to admit it......
well, i guess sinve i havent written dily for a while now, i just have alot of built up frustration i needed to vent so excuse the anger lol.
Also, today my mother was diagnosed with seevere, irreversable osteo-arthritis all over and diabetes. she already has hip displaysia and thyroid issues among many other issues. My brother was almost paralyzed a few months ago from spontanious spinal stenosis and had 2 vertebrae replaced and ill tell ya---Im not feeling real healthy right now. most things my family have are things that are common and hereditary and boy oh boy, theyre not even trying to skip a few generations! Im sad about my families issues as well as mine, and I think if my little neice n nephews and just pray and pray they dont get any of this. They are just so precious and I want to be here for them for their whole life! i know thats not someting id prob get to do regardless of these nodules but I just dont like the idea of knowing when ill have to depart. Anyway, im done venting and im feeling a lil better so im gonna try n read up on some positive stuff now n go to sleep with a smile, rather than keep writing and getting all bent outta shape again. Iknow its dumb to want to thank a journal, but thanks journal-----you always know how to sooth my pain---whatever it may be.
Until tomorrow------- :)