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Guess it's the nature

Sep 12, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

Bipolar Disorder

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rollercoaster

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thoughts

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intrusive thoughts

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Old Home Day

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face painting

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gymnastics team

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rain

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white elephant sale

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auction

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soggy toys

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parents

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children

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stuffed animals

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dress up clothes

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board games

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books

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christmas stuff

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electro

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250 mg

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depakote

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coming down



Of the disorder, but I feel like a rollercoaster gone awry. I just can't control my thoughts anymore, I just feel like I have no reins on my own mind. For the littlest thing, I fall completely off the deepend.

It was Old Home Day. I got my face painted to help the gymnastics team. It rained all day. There's a white elephant sale/ auction every year and I hate when it rains. The toys are always outside and they're so soggy the parents won't even let the children get a hold of them. I'm talking stuffed animals, dress up, board games. It actually, physically, breaks my heart. The books are down wind of the rain and they're soaked and waterlogged and it's just book abuse. The christmas stuff fares better- but still. Not to mention the electronics, it's not even worth buying a lot of them time, beause even if they DID work, they won't anymore. That being said, I spent four dollars and I was pretty well armed with some quite nice junk.  I got a purple and a blue little bottles, a red purse, a moochie beenie baby, a round bottle (That I accidently shattered in my pocket), a bag of small toys (Like from McDonalds), a toy giraffe, oh, and a pig flashlight. It oinks when I pull the trigger, which also opens it's mouth and light comes out. I had a puppy one as a child. I just rescued it, and many other old toys, from the garage. I feel bad for the ones I just can't keep. If they weren't mine and I can't play with them, mom's just going to clear them out all over again. I'm a sad kid. We're also getting my Barbies back from my memere, because my youngest cousins have finally grown out of them, we're going to put them away. Like my American Girl Dolls. Woot!

Also at OHD: I don't think Shei went. I was with Steve all day, and his friends were there and blah blah and they don't like me and I feel like I'm not there and mush mushity grub grub. I was at his house after, but I left very early because he was going to hang out with Jor and Josh. Alex and Chels were both at stands (Root Beer and Face Painting). I would not. And yeah, not enough people went. WHY, RAIN? WHY?

I feel like my throat is closing up. It's majorly not cool. It's a pain- not like a sore throat. It's at that little space between my collar bones and the dead center of my chest, like a big string is connecting them with nerves on the end. And it just feels like I'm being hit with a hammar from the inside or something. Just yesterday, and a lot worse today. I'm considerably glad I have my endoscopy monday. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that that'll solve it. I tried to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast and it doesn't matter how well I chew my food, it doesn't matter. I've been chewing better than I ever have in my life, and it just doesn't make a difference, it hurts just as much. It's a little better, tonight than this morning.

My family went out to dinner and I had a sissy tantrum because I didn't want to go to that restaurant. I did at first, no complaint. Then I thought it through and it's a steak place and oh my god, chewing meat? So I wanted to go to a Japanese place, where atleast the food is smaller, such as rice. Not chunks of steak and bread and potatoes. No contest, I was put out. Then we were told there would be a 45 minute wait and I wouldn't even wait with them, I went outside. I almost sat out there, but I'm glad I didn't, because service was quite slow and it was a few hours I would have been in the rain. We sat near Hayley and Brett. They left, becuase of the service. I ended up eating and being quiet about it. I felt like a little eye sore of a *******.

Coming down a little farther to 250 Depakote. I'm not sure what the point is, where she's going with this. I've only gotten worse. I'm not only terrified when I black out now, but on my own. But who am I to question anymore, look where I end up by arguing.

I have work tomarrow. Kill me now. I still need to scrub the paint off my face. I'll prolly have a bit, bruise like looking stain. It was such a good idea at the time, a blue flower with black rims and purple sparkles. Ha.



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