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I almost forgot to do this.

Sep 18, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

forgetful

,

culinary arts

,

friends

,

Hope

,

TIRED

,

sleep

,

tests

,

USHistory

,

bad notes

,

notebook

,

doodles

,

alex L

,

Gym

,

walking machine

,

cardio

,

heartbeat

,

suck at life

,

leg stretches

,

runners

,

swimming

,

hottubbing

,

coming out

,

bathing suits

,

shower

,

steve

,

jon

,

class vice president

,

Pride

,

essay writing class

,

essay

,

freshman

,

suicide story

,

teachers

,

adjectives

,

Undercooked Spaghetti

,

stove

,

cooking

,

skatepark

,

football game

,

outsider moment

,

brat

,

hiding

,

Headache

,

roxanne

,

jon's friend

,

up

,

ice cream cake

,

pass out sleeping

,

heavy head



Really wierd of me. I had school. We made posters in CA. And I kinda made some friends. I was really proud of myself, I was beginning to give up hope. I've kinda got hope back in a lot of things. Or a few important ones, anyways. Then I was tired for a lot of the day. Really tired. Pathetically tired. Falling asleep on my desk tired. We had a test today in History and I took one look and went aw ****. Then it was I realized I wasn't even there when me learned most of it and it was like double ****. But then he said I didn't have to do the ones I didn't learn. We could use our notes. But I opened my notebook to discover a wealth of detailed doodles and drawings, and less than a page of notes. In illegible handwriting. Abreviated to the point that what I can read I have no idea what I'm talking about. Fab, right? After I came home I was decidedly hanging out with Alex, she was going to the gym and somehow I got talked along. How strange of me. But I survived the walking machine for more than 25 minutes. I was walking  backwards and couldn't make my feet go forwards. I was proud. My heartbeat never dropped below the most extreme, 171+ beats a minute. I suck at life. But the little heart button was such a nice purple. Alex's stayed mostly the less attractive red, or yellow! HA! I even insisted I stretch  my legs after. At which point I'm glad I'm not a runner because my splits are so nice, while apparently runners are not. We went swimming, and then hottubbing. I was going to tell her. But decidedly, coming out while with another girl and presently in your bathing suits in a hottub or shower is just the makings of an awkward situation. So I didn't. It didn't feel right anyways. How would anyone even just respond to that? "Oh?" Me and Steve just discussed it at length for the better part of two hours. We never talk online much like we did when we first met. While a very different conversation, this was just as nice.

My little brother won vice pres for his class. I was so excited, listening to the announcments. My jaw almost literally hit the ground when they said his name. I was in the hallway and ran up behind him and jumped on his back I was so excited. Just my way of saying I care.

And apparently someone in his essay writing class read my essay :D. This really gruesome essay I wrote Freshman year. It was one of my favorites. It's about a girl whom gouges out her eyeballs and then throws herself out a window. It ******* rocks. Mostly because my teacher from that year left (she was cool, I miss her). But my essay is still around two years later, so she must have saved it and passed it on! WHICH MEANS I ROCK. I had a very good vocabulary for a fourteen year old. A lot of really nice adjectives. I had completely forgotten about it till he was describing it to me and I'm like wtf are you talking about?

And so then Alex and me came home. At Undercooked Spaghetti like we did as kids who couldn't use the stove. We picked up Steve. Oh, we stopped at the skatepark a little on the way home. I was cold. I did NOT want to go to the football game. So I didn't. Here I was a little pissed off because they were laughing and having a grand old time and I was having one of those outsider moments. Where I just can't seem to enjoy myself. Like I'm always missing the joke. When the fun isn't directly aimed at me. It's because I'm brat. But it's just the way I am, I've been like this my whole life. I hid upstairs fora while and they both figured out something was wrong, in time. But that's not something I'll ever admit to bothering me. It's too pathetic of me. My head aches. Off and on. We three, Jon, his friend, and Roxanne watched UP. Jon and Alex fell asleep. It was good though. I did not have ice cream cake. I need to go to bed. I'm so very tired it's getting hard to see.

I feel it's worth mentioning also that I've started blankly falling asleep again. Head not on my desk, I'll just sort of tip over. So I usually put my head down. It's so heavy, and I look like an idiot with my eyes sagged closed or completely closed, sitting straight up. I'll be completely paying attention and then just wake up to a teacher going "ARE YOU OKAY?" And I'm wide awake going "Yeah. Why." And then a minute later...

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