Sep 30, 2009
Today is my birthday. I feel no need to celebrate anything other then the fact that I made it alive one more year for my kids and 1 more year through school. I had a seizure a night ago, and so my energy was zapped for a couple of days. I had to miss 2 of my drill and cheer squad practices, and now the director is saying she needs to speak to me. I can only imagine it is to demote me from assistant drill director, to coach... It really is hard living with epilepsy even when you are determined for it not to run your life. I told myself I was not going to let it hold me back, once I finally came to terms with it... but being that I can not control what happens or what triggers it, I have once again found myself in a whole of blackness as I feel alone and totally guilty for thinking I could be there for these little girls, and in reality I can not. Their smiling faces meant so much to me, as well as seeing my hard work and choreography performed in front of me, and now I feel like I let my epilepsy hold me back.... No matter what amount of adderall, or coffee I drink after a seizure... there is no energy there. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep, and my body feels like I got hit by a bus. I am tired of never knowing when I am gonna have another seizure, and I just wish that I knew how to handle stress in a different way so that my body doesn't result to trying to shut down every time things get rough. I am on several meds for anxiety, panic, depression, and ADD, and take everything just like I am supposed to.. I want to live...really live, but this has just made me feel more set back from being the person that I hope to one day become. I refuse to fail, but what if there is no option. I love to dance.. its a release for me... I love kids..especially my own... I just feel lost and broken at the time, and wish I could be magically healed so I never had to say the word EPILEPSY again.