All Journal Entries
Journals
Previous
|
Next
The love of my life
Oct 06, 2009 10:12PM
- 6 comments
Tags:
Tags:
Tony (my boyfriend) is on his seventh day with no meds, He is being such an ******* to me. I am trying to support him but I do not know how much more I can take. Things have been so crazy the last few weeks. My 13yr old son broke his arm playing football, my boyfriend is in full blown withdraws, my dad also lives with me and he has a bad tooth that is infected. Every time I turn around, its mom can you do this, can you do that, daughter can you bring me this, can you do that, can you take me to the doctor, or my boyfriend calling me. I never know what mood he is going to be in. He is taking everything out on me. The whole time I am trying to take care of everyone I still have to cook dinner, clean the house, change diapers, make sure homework is done, take the boys to boyscouts, make sure baths are done. It is all toooooooooo much. I am new to sobriety myself, this is all too too too too much for me to handle. I have only been clean since March. I just want to run away. I want to be able to get high and not think about any of this stuff anymore. It is so funny because I thought that once I got sober everything would be ok. Guess what " Life still happens" the difference now is that I have to deal with everything. Before I did not deal with anything I would just take some pills and everything would fix its self. The pills were my fix it all meds. One time I was driving down the road and I had just picked my boys from school and my son who was 7 at the time said to me " Mom after you take your pills and you feel better can I talk to you?" That was really sad to me. That was when I started to realize how my addiction was affecting everyone around me and most of all the people who loved me. My baby son thought that the only time he could talk to me was when I had some pills. The sad part of it was that it was true. What have I done to my life? Where do I go from here? It seems like things are getting worse and not better. I have heard that God will never give you more than you can handle but I do not think I can handle to much more. What do I do now? How do I live a sober life? Sometime I think the true love of my life is addiction. I love to hate it!!!!!
sober life is a good life, your just not used to it yet.... dont you feel better??healthier?more alive?....besides the stress of everyday life doesnt it feel great to be sober?....its got too... those pills may have made you feel better for a few hours but they didnt fix the problem, maybe even made it a lil worse......things will get better.... keep your head up
you know what you are right, sober life is a great life!!! I do feel better. I am a better mother and yes yes yes I am more alive!!!!!!! I guess sometimes I just sit on my pitty pot and feel sorry for myself but that is not going to get me anywhere. Going thru all the posts that everybody has wrote and reading everybodys story, mine life and my story does not seem so bad at all. Who am I to complain!!! At least I am clean and I still have my kids and I have my life. I guess what I need to do is focus on the positive stuff going on in my life. You are sooooo right taking pills did not fix my problems that sure did make them a whole lot worse. Things are much better today, my boyfriend is on day 10 of cold turkey, he is my hero I am soooo proud of him. I hope maybe one day I will have the strength to come off the methadone cold turkey. I do want every body here to know that this site is helping me soooo much!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your words with us. Thank you so much
Wow Lisa you do have a lot on your plate but you can do it I know you can, Stay strong and look to God he will get you through all this may not seem like it but he never leaves us. Message any time. Take care. Hollie
Clearly you must feel guilty when you take pills. Guilt can be the worst feeling in the world. Especially when it is your family. Try to think about that guilt and try to avoid it by avoiding pills. I know how tempting it can be to just feel good and take those damn pills. But the guilt is more powerful and it hurts a lot more than wanting pills. Think about your children every time you feel tempted to stay an addict. Take a walk in the park someday, just you, and take a deep breath and think about how beautiful life is and how people are meant to enjoy it. Really think about being completely conscious of the earth's beauty. There will always be new ways to make life easier, just try not to use drugs as your vice. You are strong. I mean, look at all the things you do every day! Just focus on your family and your life. You can do it. Don't be scared. Be confident. Even if you don't feel confident. Just try. It will help. Believe me I've way over thought all of this many times. Your boyfriend is very strong and together you can beat this.
You got to hang in there, think of your low times. Yes you could fall off the wagon and get high, but when you come down you will still feel ****, and then you will feel bad about yourself on top of all that. Or you can dig in, feel *** with all the stuff going on around you, but when it has stopped ( coz life goes on ) you will feel better about yourself.
Good luck, try smiling and breathing deep lol
Good luck, try smiling and breathing deep lol
WOW, I just read your journal entry from October 6th. I just assumed it was just you and your boyfriend and all you had to do was concentrate on each other... not that isn't enough for anyone to handle!!
Before my mom passed, she was very demanding and high maintenance. Oh, don't get me wrong, I miss her tremendously but, dealing with family, husbands, children and everyday life is enough to send anyone over the edge of insanity. On that note, I so remember visiting with my mom (almost every night - she lived next door) and taking our HYDRO together and watching our sitcoms. That was my way of winding down my day. I sometimes feel guilty because I wonder, would I of visited her as much if I did not share this HYDRO habit with her?
I do miss our evenings together...no matter how wrong it was to share being high together.
Keep your head up and remind yourself - it's okay to just think of yourself once in awhile. Take time for yourself girl you deserve it!
Before my mom passed, she was very demanding and high maintenance. Oh, don't get me wrong, I miss her tremendously but, dealing with family, husbands, children and everyday life is enough to send anyone over the edge of insanity. On that note, I so remember visiting with my mom (almost every night - she lived next door) and taking our HYDRO together and watching our sitcoms. That was my way of winding down my day. I sometimes feel guilty because I wonder, would I of visited her as much if I did not share this HYDRO habit with her?
I do miss our evenings together...no matter how wrong it was to share being high together.
Keep your head up and remind yourself - it's okay to just think of yourself once in awhile. Take time for yourself girl you deserve it!
Post a Comment