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Okay so, confidence level has definitely went way down.
Jun 06, 2008 05:47PM
- 2 comments
AHH! It's only been what.. 10 days? And I sort of wish I could walk away from my life just for one day. And trust me it's not just because of Riley.. I love him so much and I enjoy his company but he's starting to scream and cry a lot, he's changing these past couple of days and it's exhausting and sometimes frustrating I start to feel like I'm not doing anything right or like I can't ever do ENOUGH. AH. The whole breastfeeding thing is rarely ever successful and I'm getting increasingly stressed out, especially by Riley's father.. I so wish I could tell him GO AWAY AND DONT COME BACK. but I have to let him see Riley, and let Riley have his father and it's hard having him in my house, much less, him doing practically NOTHING and always falling asleep. I just want to kick his ***. He has no idea what I deal with on a minute to minute basis with Riley. He's usually calm, content, and sleepy by the time he gets here and it's so frustrating. As wrong as it is, I almost wish every once in a while that Riley would get mad at Joey like he does at me and scream until Joey doesn't know what to do or how to fix it so he could atleast see what I go through on a daily basis. Is that selfish? I know it is.. I'm just so frustrated.... I don't know what to do.. Well hell, I do.. What I HAVE to do. Be a mother and stick it out. I just feel like I'm not being the best to him that I possibly can be because of how stressed out and frustrated at life I'm starting to become.. 9, 10 months ago, this is NOT ! How I pictured my life. And Riley's dad is NOT who I thought he was and I sort of feel like I got jipped, BIIIIG time. Having a child with that .... CHILD, is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Only because he doesn't know what he's doing, he hardly helps, he's an *******, and I can almost foresee later on he will hardly be a part of Riley's life, just like my dad... But I love Riley so much.. I wouldn't have it any other way I just wish his dad was a different person. *sigh*
I sort of wish I could just escape for a few hours.. Scream and throw/break stuff, and then bawl my eyes out.. And then sit back and relax and take everything all in, and then come back to my life as a better person. :( I feel trapped here with feelings I'm a little less than proud of, but I have to move on and step forward and deal. Riley demands that of me, and I can only hope it gets better.. Ugh.
I sort of wish I could just escape for a few hours.. Scream and throw/break stuff, and then bawl my eyes out.. And then sit back and relax and take everything all in, and then come back to my life as a better person. :( I feel trapped here with feelings I'm a little less than proud of, but I have to move on and step forward and deal. Riley demands that of me, and I can only hope it gets better.. Ugh.
You just do your best, thats all you can do and all Riley needs from Mommy. Everything your feeling is normal. I was 19 when I had my first son and I thought I could do it all on my own...Had an apartment, my own bills, everything was on my own and for the 9 months I was pregnant it was all good...Then Nathan was born and he threw my world upside down and back! There were nights I just wanted to walk away from him and leave him in his crib to cry while I ran away, FAR away. Being a mother AT ANY AGE IS HARD! Everything is so new to you as it is to your son. He's just as confused as you are. He doesn't know what's going on with his body or his world. As for the 'father' thing ( or sperm donor as I like to refer to Nathan's Dad) I'm there with you. It's hard to take care of Nathan everyday (and he'll be 4 on the 27th) and when he sees his Dad he's like the perfect little child. His 'father' has on idea what it takes and doesn't care to learn so either. You just keep doing your best and things will become smoother and if you ever need a break and are able to ask for help or its offered...TAKE IT! That's not being a bad Mom or being selfish, it's being human! Best of luck :)
You know you don't need to let him be there all the time. Why don't you try giving him three set days a week that he can visit... It will give you some privacy and a chance to find your feet and hopefully feel less frustrated. The adjustment period (to being a mum) is different for everyone, so I'd love to tell you a time frame but I can't. It does get easier though. You need to have a routine. I can't even explain how much that will help. A day can feel endless when you have a baby. It can take you 2hrs to complete a 10 min task. If you are stressed and he is being difficult, feed him, change him, and put him in the pram and take him for a walk. It will soothe you both. Going swimming with him is another good way to pass time and bond with him. (just make sure you leave his nappy on so you aren't swimming in poo) Try to sleep whenever he does, and remember - If you aren't eating food with fat in it, then he isn't getting any. Babies literally get from your milk whatever you ate last. So salad isn't going to get him to sleep through the night. Another thing, make sure when you feed him that it is only from one breast at a time. And the feed should be 20min (minimum) but preferably 30 mins. The first 15 mins of a feed (from one breast) is watery milk. If you are pumping you will notice this. After 15 mins you get to the fatty stuff. That is what they need to sleep decently through the night. If you are pumping you will notice the fatty layer seperates and sits above the watery stuff until you shake it. If you are offering both breasts for every feed, then Riley will get very little of the fatty milk. So, feed him with one breast at a time and allow him to drain it until it is empty. Then offer the next one at the next feed. I can't stress how much this will help you. It will give you more time between feeds and more sleep at night. Also, if he is getting angry after 5 mins of feeding, he may just need a burp before he starts again. If he latched on that ferociously to begin with, it makes sense that he could have gotten some wind. You would be surprised how much fuss young babies fuss over needing to burp or trying to poo... LOL. But that too, will pass as he grows. Do you have a baby carrier? The kind that straps the baby onto your stomach? I used to walk around and do dishes with my son strapped to me, and it was his favourite place. He liked the constant motion and being able to hear my heart.
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