I know, I know, I need to go back

And fill this in. And I have no right. I didn't even know him. My friend's exboyfriend and some friends murdered a lady, sliced her eleven year olds throat, and there the little girl out a window. The girl's going to be ok. I know I have no reason to be upset, well no, I met him and stuff. And it's wierd to think someone I know who is so young will be jailed for life and possibly executed. I barely know him. But I've heard so much about the story. And I can't, I'm having compulsive thoughts again. I never saw a picture of the lady (alive or dead), but I can't stop looking out through this kid's eyes. I can't help seeing the blood and my head spinning and feeling a knife in my hand. I know obviously it's not like I'm capable or murder or anything. But he didn't seem to be. I know I wouldn't hurt anyone else. I'm probably more of a threat to myself. The little bit of control I have over myself. I black out everynight. I HAVE to be in bed. Or I never make it to bed. Not for hours. Another alarming thing is when my brother tells me I got up and was walking around for a while, went to the bathroom, and went back to bed. I most certainly did not. Not that I remember. Nothing's moved in my room or anything, I didn't leave lights on. Nothing. I don't know what to think anymore.

If you ask, I will say I don't have a problem with blood. However, my blood, the feeling of bleeding, looking at my own body bleeding, usually puts me unconcious. I don't feel grossed out or anything. I just go OhshitI'mabouttopassout. And then I do. Little cuts on my finger, getting blood taken, anything. Not always, obv. But a good amount of the time.
I also don't say I have trouble with animal blood. I have a lot of trouble with animal blood. After watching a dead piece of meat bleed in a bag, I can't eat it. How could I? When all I can picture is an animal lying dead in a field, bleeding to death? It's so impulsive. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. In CA one day, chef was dumping out a whole pan of beef blood. I was in the back, I couldn't even see. But I heard it. I heard the sound of the blood hitting the bottom of the trashcan and splashing and the thinness of it and I could see it on the table and the pan and the meat. I didn't see a thing though. Not a thing. I was a vegetarian oct freshman year to oct sophmore year. Honestly, I was tired of being hastled because I was so hard to feed. I like meat. I missed meat. I just can't look at it. Mostly beef. I can touch it, I handle chicken and stuff sometimes. It's the blood that gets me.

Today was probably the longest half day of my life. Full block of CA, we prepared food for the restaurant. And I didn't know what to do with myself most of the time. I feel like such a waste of space. Spanish, I did not know ONE vocab word. I tried reflexive verbs or whatever, but I failed I think. I'll be shitting away every friday for the rest of the year in that class room, struggling to remember that damned language. Idk why I just can't grasp it. Oh, and we voc kids missed lunch. Which was actually a free period. We all arrived back just in time for B block though, so no worries! I went all day without eating anything but two cornchips. Steve left early cause he had voc he had to come back for. And we were supposed to hang out. And then he was telling amanda he'd hang out with her after school, definetly. And I tried not to get upset. Honestly, I am not lying. I was repeating it over in my head, the whole last time. How Steve never wants to share a math class with me again because I'm such a jealous little *****. It wouldn't have upset me if..I guess if he hadn't said he would hang out with me. No, that's not true. Last halfday, at the end of last year, after finals. I was feeling good and I asked Do you want to hang out! And he went Nope, I'm leaving with amanda, bye. And walked away. And I just didn't understand. It was the last day of school and I thought he said we were gonna hang out and so I found my own plans. And he wouldn't have liked them. But i guess he'll never know, it's not like he communicated his plans very well to me, did he? I feel bad about it. It's not worth the fight though, it was months ago. And whatever. But I missed my bus at the end of the day. Because ******* mary left before I even had time to cross the school to the door and look outside. I hate her. I really do. So I sat there and Luke and Josh kept looking at me all pitying. Josh asked where Steve was and I got extremely defensive. I shouldn't have. I know. Maybe it's all paranoia. I have no good idea. I was still waiting for my mom when steve got back to the school for his voc bus and I was still mad. I tried not to be, I failed again. I left. I went home and took my frustration out on the Water Temple. Which I finally got through, I was standing at the boss door and realized I was one key short. I had to start over at ground level and work my way back up four levels, checking every room along the way for some key I managed to get to, look straight at, and then not open the box of. Because I'd been in every room. Finally found it, used 35 hearts killing the boss. Was honestly worried I wasn't going to survive. Beat the damn Water Temple. Almost hung myself in the process. My god I hate that place. And of course, on to the Shadow Temple. Why am I so in love with Link and his life in Hyrule? My four wives; Saria, Malon, Zelda, and Ruto? Hmm? Sages? I may never look at the spice the same way again. Shiny rocks? I always loved a good shiny rock but this is a bit peculiar. And I stress so much about it. I just am so in love with the whole game. The whole story always keeps me entertained. For months. I'm farther than I've ever been.
Honestly, I was just so glad I beat Dark Link. Apparently he's one of the hardest subbosses in the game, and I pounded the **** out of him with my megaton hammer. It was easy. I felt so superior.

Steve took a nap, and I had to basically guilt him into coming to dinner with me. I didn't know what to do. I was so hungry, and my mom didn't want to feed me something more than a snack. Steve hates restaurants. But he didn't want to be left here or go home and I couldn't stay with him at either place alone...I had no choice. I feel bad. He didn't want to be there, the whole time. I could feel it. I know him, and I could feel how uncomfortable he was sitting a foot away from me.
We went to a halloween store afterwards. We just walked, really. I don't know what I'm going to be. I'm leaning towards pirate. Then again, Lauren asked if I'd go to Repo that night, in Boston. We would go at 8. Steve told me to go, since we prolly wouldn't do anything anyways. Which wasn't what I was expecting, or wanting him to say. I wanted to hear I should stay with him. That we would have more fun. That maybe we'd find some friends. Dress up. Run around. Anything. I would love to go to repo with them. But I feel so awekward already. And I'm not even there. What if I'm a horrible Shiloh. And Lauren's the only one I'm friends with. I know the other people, just I don't KNOW them. It will probably turn out to be the wrong decision. I love halloween. I don't want to screw it up.

We got home and we were going to watch Saw V and it wasn't through the previews when I realized how dark it was out already, I would probably be up late, alone. And I would need  to be in my room alone. And I couldn't do it. I was just overwhelmingly terrified. So I switched it out for Austin Powers. And then we started the second Austin Powers. And that was much better. My popcorn got cold before I could eat much of it. I feel hungry, but I don't want to eat. It was obviously the evil Depakote that was making me so hungry. Because now that I'm off it. I haven't had an appetite since. I know when I should be hungry, but it gets pushed off. I just don't WANT to eat. I'm tired of being force fed. And I have a bad taste in my mouth. My head hurts tonight and I'm so twitchy. It donned on me a few days ago that I actually have Tardive Dyskinesia. And that that's why my face is so twitchy. It's not just some odd quirk about me. None of my pants fit and I'm just sick of wearing them all because of it. My asscrack is always hanging out.

Another thing I don't even feel worthy of mentioning; A boy at my school died. I'm not going to say his name, but he's had cancer for a few years now I believe. And he was doing really well apparently, and then suddenly it tripled this summer. And I heard he wasn't doing well and stuff, but you know, it's not something you believe. You just assume it doesn't happen in places like this. That it's not true. He'll be okay. Everyone's always ok. But he died today. And he was ok with it. And now I'm really sad. I didn't even know him. He was in my brother's grade. I can't even let go of people I didn't know. I feel selfish saying that. I'm sorry.



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