I was having this really ****** up dream. I was raiding these people's house. Whom had actually moved, and it wasn't bad. But for some reason the gov was coming to get me? And I was collecting stuff in trashbags to take with me. And I took the saint bernard. And someone asked me for his papers? And I was freaking out. Oh, it all started with me somehow getting 250$ and then leaving it in a backpack on the ground at an amusement park. Accidently. I ran back for it and found like a twelve year old with it in his hands, and I freaked and started yelling at him of course. That's some serious money. Then I tackled him and refused to let him off the ground. I ended up taking his ferret and carrying it away. I do not know why he had a ferret on him. But I was mad and carrying it by it's neck and then it went limp and I thought it had died and I started crying because I didn't mean to hurt it. I then took it home and put it in my cage with Ham and Tator. The next day I realized it was pregnant and supposed to give birth like, then. So I got all excited. I looked back in the cage and there was another ferret?! It was pink and chubby. And so cool. (This is of course because of pink cows on farmville, I have a bit of an obsession with adopting every outcast animal I come across). Two ferrets is a lot for me though. I love them so very much, my darling boys, but I always feel like I can't give them QUITE as much love as they need and fully deserve. My boys. I had this dream for literally about seven hours. There was more, I just don't remember the zillions of details.
I was too lazy to feed myself, for a long time. Mostly I thought I was going to a party, and I would eat a lot there. I did. But so I kept putting off food. Well, no. This is because I put myself on a scale finally this morning and realized just how tiny I've gotten. Not TINY, obviously. But I'm at 113 lbs. That's the smallest I've been since the eighth grade. I know I'll never be dainty, or light, but maybe if I just was less meaty? Lost this lizard chin? I would feel better about myself. It's so easy now. Without thinking about it. I just get so mad at the food when there isn't the exact thing I want to eat then. I can't handle it. Now that I'm not building feasts and then puking it all back up. Or exercising my brains out. My goals are more realistic. And it's easy. I don't want to get my hopes up, obviously. But I feel good.
Of course I ate a lot of marshmellows, I was force fed cake, but I never managed to get myself anything. Steve brought it all to me. I didn't want anything. But I don't like to tell him that. Because he never gives up. The day I decided I loved him was the day he cornered me in a hallway after we were late for class and showed an oreo into my mouth and wouldn't let me leave till it was gone. I spit two out out of frusteration before I finally got it down and got to class. It's that kind of undeterred determination he's got, that I always needed. The day I met him, five years ago. The first thing he said to me, and I tried to put him down because I realized he would never be mine. In that first minute. And look at us now. Just look. I have known him eleven years and I don't even know what I'd do if I didn't see his cute ginger face every day of my life. I'm such a teenager. So obsessive about these things. Honestly though, I'm not this devoted to anyone else. I'm not this loyal. I'm mean. I am a brat, and I know it. I know how lucky I am.
When I finally ate today, it was five and I made grilled cheese. Two, like always. By the end of the first sandwich...well. I didn't finish it. I couldn't. I felt so sick. But I was so dizzy. I had to get something down.
By five thirty I was madly upset because I thought that's when my friend's party had started and I couldn't get a hold of anyone to ask. To remind them to call me. I fall behind people's minds a lot. My tv broke. So I watched Stand By Me. It's such a great movie. I just kept hearing all the quotes. I tried to play Sims 3. But that game pushes me over the limit. It is just too much anxiety. I miss my Sims 2. Actually, I want a new copy of Sims 1 for christmas. I'm excited for it.
But I called eventually, and went to the party. It was a lot of people I barely knew. Or I know, but I care not for. So many people. And so cold out. Atleast no bugs. I smell like a honey baked ham though. It was ok. I stayed near steve. I had fun, much more fun than sitting on my bottom all night. I got dressed nice and such. I looked good. I got a blue lightstick. Got home late. Now very tired.