i am a disgusting fat mess

ugh. yesterday was a mess. binge once no purge, b/p twice, then another binge and no purge. and so today of course ive gained 3 motherfucking pounds and i look HUGE. and rella is coming in like a week and a half and shes gonna see me the second she comes into the airport and see how motherfucking huge ive gotten. im so embarassed to even go outside at this weight. i just want to cry. i feel like im in a strangers body. its huge and flabby and bulbousy and just DISGUSTING. and all i can think about is b/p. guess its good its raining so hard im not gonna want to go anywhere to get any food. and i only have tea at home. and im not gonna order food. at least ive been able to stick to not eating cheese. that makes not bingeing on pizza so easy. ugh. i feel so sick. like cold flu sick. and so im home from work today. my cough is disgusting. i think its time to just smoke and forget. mum is bringing me some dinner at 7ish... i wanted to be able to say no but turning down an amazing bp meal was too hard. plus since im sick i guess i should eat a little. sigh. my head hurts. smoke time. forget. peace.