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Last night;

Oct 13, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

meds

,

Ambien

,

sleep

,

Insomnia

,

sleep disturbance

,

Crying

,

windows

,

watching

,

searching

,

long night

,

hammie

,

ferrets

,

struggling

,

voc

,

culinary arts

,

trouble

,

intrusive thoughts

,

straining

,

Zombie Kristina

,

riddle

,

steve

,

MarioParty

,

Search Party

,

porches

,

yards

,

woods

,

cats

,

dogfood

,

mom

,

dad

,

looking

,

rain

,

cold weather

,

tator

,

please

,

same my baby

,

Come home Hammie



I didn't take my meds. So sue. It was probably the longer night I've had a in very long time. By the time I had calmed down enough to bring myself upstairs and stop  looking out the window, I was still pouring tears and half catatonic. I sat in my bed and stared at the wall. I wasn't tired at all. Finally I was so physically exhausted though. I was such a mess. I laid down and everything. And EVERY twenty minutes I woke up. It took me more than an hour to get asleep, and I was so paranoid. I would just get this feeling something was watching me. And I would spring up, awake, constantly. For about six hours. I didn't know what to do. Finally morning came, I wanted to get up and look for Hammie. But it was still dark and I didn't know what to do. Mother finally came in at about 6:35 and I was already awake. I struggled to dress. It seemed so difficult. I just stared, and there was nothing going on in my head. I almost missed my voc bus. I looked like ****. I was crying before I even got out of the car. All the way to voc, every ditch, every hole, every puddle, every bush, held my baby. We have a ridiculous amount of open pipes in our town. I was so upset. I was having trouble breathing I was trying to hard not to cry. The thoughts are so intrusive. Please. I keep seeing him, everywhere I go. In CA I was told to strain this pork juice through ice. I couldn't even remember what to strain with. OR where I would find a bucket. Or ice. I had to be step-by-stepped through it. It took a long time. I was useless. I went through the day in a daze, I looked like a zombie and I didn't talk to anyone. In D block I was cheered up when I figured out a riddle. I felt really cool. A lot of people didn't, and I got it right away.

Steve came home with me, and we played some Marioparty. I needed to stay calm. The laughter started fake, it hurt to smile. It didn't even FEEL real. But I had fun. We went out afterwards. And we searched all the woods in the remote of my house. Called my Hammie. The porches and the yard again and my neighbor's yard and her cats haven't found him thank god. My dad set animal-friendly traps with dog food. We walked the whole neighborhood and called and called and I am the only one who has hope. I know it. I could tell in the way he looked extra hard that he knew we wouldn't find him. My mom keeps telling me we won't find him. They're all tired of looking. I'm not giving up though.

I am scared. It rained all morning. It was so cold. I was cold sitting in my bed, with four blankets, and he was out there in the rain, by himself, in the dark, and it was below 50. I'm really close to crying again. I'm trying to get the word out but I get so emotional it's difficult to talk. I just want the sun to stop setting. Give me more time. Please, get warmer. What if he doesn't make it through the night? What if he's hiding, because he's so cold?
We tried to take Tator out to find Ham, and he started shivering before he'd been out there a minute. They need warmth. I'm scared, Hammie. I'm sorry, I love you so very much and please come home. Please find your way home, or let someone find you. Find somewhere warm, at least. Stay warm, and be nice, get yourself some food. Please, somebody protect my baby, it's so cold outside. The whole world is wet and soggy.

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