Blah Blah Blah

if it helps i dont eat meat and have stayed @ 130 pounds for 3 years straight try not eating meat

I've loathed myself for most of my life. You have to change what you can and deal with the rest. I have learned to stop sabotaging myself and my relationships. I was messed up when I was your age. You'll work through it. It takes time but the one good thing is that you recognize your behavior so that means you can change it when your ready. I've wasted a lot of time being unhappy and expecting other people to help take care of me emotionally. Your the only one that can do that. If you can, go to a counselor, they might be able to help you sort out your feelings and the reasons behind them. Your the only one that can and will take care of you and EVERYONE deserves that regardless of there imperfections or faults. Start with one thing and it will lead to another. I promise!

I was a vegetarian for 6 years. Then my ex boyfriend made me start eating meat. He made me do a lot of things I didnt want to do. Sadly, where I am now is a huge improvement from where I was 3 years ago. Its amazing what one abusive person can do to you. I havent been the same since I was with him. I want to go back to my old self but dont know how. I dont trust anyone enough to tell them what I think. I tried a councelor for a while when I left him, because my mom made me, but I stopped after about 3 sessions. Im too used to people talking behind my back and gettting hurt by anyone I trust. So far Jon is the only one that I have learned to trust and even hes starting to get annoyed with me. He just says he doesnt know how to help me anymore. holding back my crying is getting harder and harder everyday and Im just going to explode pretty soon.

Your relationship with Jon is going down the drain because your not happy with urself...which person would wanna hang around somebody that's so hard on themselves and feels so negative and "wants to cry" all the time?...would u wanna hang around somebody like that?

I was in an abusive relationship before..and it MESSED----ME----UP
i felt hate towards everyone and everything...trust issues...blah blah....u kno the whole story...

u kno what helped me?...
I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 3 YEARS NOW...and it's the best feeling in the world...why?...because it gives u time to work on urself....how would anybody want to be around u and love u..when u feel like it's impossible to love urself...u need to take care of urself first before u take care of someone else in a relationship...

if u truly want Jon in ur life...then u can't chase him away with all this negativity...u need to get some space...get away from him for a while...it's the best thing for both of u....

maybe u just need some time off...jus trace ur thoughts....
don't talk to Jon or whoever for a few days...just think about WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE..
are u still stuck in the past?
are u still thinkin bout how much the abusive relationship affected u?
SCREW THEM! GET OVER IT!
everyone else is moving on....and it's time for u to do the same....

i'm not a harsh person...at all...
i went through the same things as u...and i had to give myself a reality check...and even yell "out loud" at myself in my room to understand myself...

i realized HOW WEAK i really was...

u dont wanna be weak...
ur a strong person...and it's somewhere inside u...u jus have to bring it out...
prove all these people wrong...

i've been overweight all my life...and i finally feel like i'm becoming a stronger person..except that the weight is still there...
so i'm working on losing the weight...to prove to everyone that i'm strong enough to control my life...
i feel like being overweight is showing weakness...so that's what i'm working on now...

u really do need to take a few days off and jus think things thru...all aspects of ur life...
but most importantly..think about urself..
ur wants...
ur needs...
ur plan to get there....

don't be down on urself..jus forgive urself for the past mistakes...for the weight gain...everything...jus become a new person STARTING TODAY!

I know I need to do all of that. Ive been working on it. I know I have to love myself, I used to love myself and Im trying to love myself. It takes time for some people. Some people cant just decide they are going to be better and it just happens. I decided that many many many times. There is something wrong with me and I cant qite figure it out. I am not a weak person like you seem to think I am, I know Im strong and I will not stop being strong for anything. My relationship with Jon is not going down the drain, Im just frustrated with myself. I dont expect other people to understand I just need to get this out mostly and then if anyone can relate to it or have advice for something in it then they can answer. I do not take well to being told what to do and what to think.

Hey girl...

i didn't mean to "attack" you with a to-do list.....

i only said those things..because i really do relate to ur situation...i kno the pain...how hard it feels to love urself...even i'm working on it...

it's just that....some people can sugar coat it as much as they want...pacify u...and sweet talk when advising u...
and other people can jus give u a reality check...

i've had friends who sugar coat advice to me..and family who attacked me bout my weight...and it ***** getting attacked when they are all skinny and i was the one overweight...

i told u those things..because i'm overweight too...i'm workin on it too...and the things i said..--that was the reality check i needed for myself...so i thot it may help u too...

i apologize if u got offended...

Thanks, my emotions have been really off for the last little while. So my mood is very different from day to day. Theres a bunch of problems at work with people being disrespectful to me and such, I just needed a break from it when I was home. Thekind of advice Im looking for is maybe some stories and suggestions about what has work for you, because Ive tried so many things and none seem to work anymore. I tried making a doctors appointment but cant get in until December so hopefully I can. There is something wrong with my stomach and noone can figure it out. It died down for a couple months but was never really gone and now its starting to get bad again. So if I sound bitchy Im sorry I just need to have things said to me in a certain way or soemthing for me not to get pissy about it. Im trying to work out my head problems but its takeing a lot longer than I hoped it would.

hey girl...

well let's see...

what exactly is "wrong with ur stomach"...? if u give details...we can look it up and figure something out...

what was working for me was yoga...bc it's not hard on my joints (i have weak knees as a 21 yr old...sad)....and i was always agitated and stressed out bout my problems...the yoga was the "me-time"...only 25 minutes a day..that i needed...
sometimes during yoga..especially when i started...i would cry thinkin of how i got myself to be this big...somehow yoga jus really relieves my emotions..holding those poses jus lets out all ur frustration....i'm usually not good with the "boring running" and spending alot of time on exercising...so the 25 minutes a day didn't feel too bad and the results started showing within a week...

i recently stopped cuz my schedule changed n i'm barely home these days...which *****..

hope something works for ya..

I wwas doing yoga too until i started working 2 jobs, now i dont know when to do it cuz when i get home i just wanna sleep. I have my stomach problems in other journals if you feel like looking at them but Ive been going to the doctors for 8 months now, 3 in my town here and 1 specialist and they cant figure it out. I have to call the clinic back on the 30th to make another appointment for December.