Oct 26, 2009
People have asked about my emotional life and that's a more than valid question. Today due to overnight dystonic reactions (as its the last day of the Catapres application) I took the Vimpat later so there is more neurological
stability. This collage was done on a day when itwas taken much earlier (hard to fix the time, clearly the later the better). One sees the rigidity of akinesia and what they are identifying as tardive dysmentia and the dysphoria and dissociation of what they are identifying as tardive dysphrenia. But what are the emotions behind it? The psychology?
Well in reading Carl Jung (and just thinking over things myself) I can see many aspects. Firstly, in growing up there was a lot of what appeared to be emotional abuse directed at me. But life is not all that it seems. My mother is under treatment for bipolar disorder (cyclothymia) now. My stepfather from what my mother and I believe had bipolar with psychotic features. He was fixated on world leaders such as Lenin and Napoleon. And he was often grandiose talking about how he would expose a scandal that was covered up that cost lives at the company he worked for (it may very well have been true so I won't print it). However, he didn't have the emotional stability to do it. And he often talked to himself. And as I've posted the day before he died he explained to my mother he had psychotic thoughts as I did (I was just about to start treatment). So the "great grey owl' (one bird I've love to see in nature) symbolizes him. As well it symbolizes myself when I have grandiose thoughts that are hateful so I don't want to "become him". The "hearth" is of course a maternal symbol but the "fire" symbolizes anger. As well in a real world sense we had a Franklin stove and I was often asked to saw the logs for it. And from my stepfather that was about the only time I knew I wouldn't run into episodes of uncontrolled anger that came from nowhere (that I now know were potentially a psychotic agitated mixed state). The emasculation/infantalization came from my mother who even when I was growing up would confuse (perhaps purposely) one piece of furniture I had saying "toy chest, play pen? I forget..". Thus the "match girl".
Thus you see the emotional underpinnings of a neuropsychiatric (tardive dysphrenia) caused dissociation. But you also see with the "snowflake" which looks markedly similar to the glycine crystals left behind after I take the supervised dose of the experimental antipsychotic at night. The continuing difficulty for me is having recovered mentally and "awakening" neurological (which does vary) I think back and ask myself why people other than my psychiatrist monitored my mental health. And parental figures that I thought of as authorities that were always rational may have often been just the opposite. Well on the positive side one had ideas to change society that he never lived up to that I have tried to (through working with the system, on many levels). And my mother is enjoying life more as her stability increases and just as my psychiatrist instructed she should stay out of my recovery, I should stay out of hers. But understanding my emotional life is still part of my recovery as it is for everyone. Its part of all our lives...