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Was it rape?
Oct 28, 2009 12:00AM
- 30 comments
Right now I am really suicidal. I haven't been to any classes. I have been sleep all day. I want to cut. I don't know what to do? I don't know how to fill. I posted the following in the abuse forum but then I wanted to journal and didn't feel like typing it over....
Well, My boyfriend and I have been together almost 1 year and yesterday he came over and we had the best day ever. We did have sex earlier that day and then later that night I stuck in back into my dorm room because it was after visitation hours. We were in bed watching movies and he got horny and he started kissing me and stuff and then he entered. This may be too much info but I think I just recently got over a yeast infection so I'm still a little sore down there and so it hurt a little when he enter. I told him to stop I was tired and it hurt and he kept going for a few minutes but then he stop and pulled out. He sat there a while and started masturbating and roll over to sleep but then he got back on top of me and I asked him to please stop and everything but he didn't and then he was like he could go home and I didn't want him to leave i just wanted him to stop so I started crying and then he was like this will just be a few more minutes and he kept going and I kinda of just took it I didn't even fight I quit telling him to stop and I just laid there until he finished. I felt so violated and I just laid there and cried and he looked so guilty and he kept asking me was I mad at him, but I didn't know what to say. I finally just went to sleep and then today I didn't go to any classes. My head hurts and everything and I don't know if this is how I should feel right now. Like I love him and I am confused by this....
Bipolar I Craziness
Well, My boyfriend and I have been together almost 1 year and yesterday he came over and we had the best day ever. We did have sex earlier that day and then later that night I stuck in back into my dorm room because it was after visitation hours. We were in bed watching movies and he got horny and he started kissing me and stuff and then he entered. This may be too much info but I think I just recently got over a yeast infection so I'm still a little sore down there and so it hurt a little when he enter. I told him to stop I was tired and it hurt and he kept going for a few minutes but then he stop and pulled out. He sat there a while and started masturbating and roll over to sleep but then he got back on top of me and I asked him to please stop and everything but he didn't and then he was like he could go home and I didn't want him to leave i just wanted him to stop so I started crying and then he was like this will just be a few more minutes and he kept going and I kinda of just took it I didn't even fight I quit telling him to stop and I just laid there until he finished. I felt so violated and I just laid there and cried and he looked so guilty and he kept asking me was I mad at him, but I didn't know what to say. I finally just went to sleep and then today I didn't go to any classes. My head hurts and everything and I don't know if this is how I should feel right now. Like I love him and I am confused by this....
Bipolar I Craziness
Yes it would be considered rape under the law as if you asked him to stop at any point he is required to. I would strongly suggest ending that relationship and perhaps speak with your therapist about what to do or if you aren't seeing one go to any counseling center at the college you go to and they could tell you what steps to take from there. Anyone who doesn't respect boundaries is not worth seeing to be honest.
I would agree with Iladvocate ....by not respecting your "no", your boyfriend stepped over boundaries. He just thought of himself and you may as well been a blow-up doll...an "object". Depending on what lawyers involved, you know how the other side will try slant things to make it look like you really didn't mean it ....after all you let him come in, you had sex with him before...blah, blah, blah.
What matters the most is what you want to do here....do you want to proceed with this person who if he did it once, will he do it again when you don't want him to? Getting counseling sounds like a good idea & getting space from this person also sounds good so you can heal/decide what to do.
:-/ sincerely,
D.
What matters the most is what you want to do here....do you want to proceed with this person who if he did it once, will he do it again when you don't want him to? Getting counseling sounds like a good idea & getting space from this person also sounds good so you can heal/decide what to do.
:-/ sincerely,
D.
Your "boyfriend" is a rapist. You said "no" but he forced you into having sex. Legally, you could have him charged; for some women that can be helpful but for some it can be too traumatic. Counselling is a good idea. I hope you dump that pathetic bottomfeeder and reach out to those who will listen and respect you. He is not a person to attempt suicide for even though I know you feel like it right now.
Remember - what goes around, comes around. Somehow, some way, he will pay for his actions; we all do.
wolf
Remember - what goes around, comes around. Somehow, some way, he will pay for his actions; we all do.
wolf
From a guys point of view i say that this is .....rape. You asked him to stop and he did not. Whats even more alarming is his hmmm....weird behavior. He seems to me to be a "person with a warped mind" he used you, he did you wrong, he 100% disrespected your wishes and wants...PLEASE GET AWAY FROM HIM KNOW!!!
NOW^
A lot of women get confused by sexual violence coming from their significant others. The fact is that, regardless of marital status, regardless of prior sexual experiences with the person, your body is your body and no one has a 'right' to it. This would be considered rape, yes. You said no and he forced the act. I understand the feelings that come after something like this- I am a survivor myself. Our situations may be different, but the feelings are universal. Its a dehumanizing experience and having it happen at the hands of someone who is supposed to love you would make things worse. My suggestion is to seek help, and dump him immediately. This is not okay. If you want to file charges, you should, but like someone before me said- it helps in some cases, and not in others. Please, for yourself, at least go here: http://www.rainn.org/ they have an online hotline as well.
I'm so sorry you experienced this and wish nothing but strength for you.
I'm so sorry you experienced this and wish nothing but strength for you.
I have been raped, violently and non-violently - I mean non-violently as in the way you describe. The last time, he wanted anal sex and I had never done that before, it hurt, and I pulled away and said no, he grabbed my hips and pulled me close to him and proceeded, even though I said no more than once...so I know what you are talking about. I did care for him, but our relationship ended, and now that I look back, I should have gotten rid of him from the start, it was rape, it was painful, and he only cared to get one thing from me.
Dont make the same mistake I did...No means just that!
I am just learning now how to set my boundaries and make sure that others know exactly what they are.
Dont make the same mistake I did...No means just that!
I am just learning now how to set my boundaries and make sure that others know exactly what they are.
That happened to me with an ex-boyfriend in college and I never told anyone about it. After the incident I was confused because I loved him so I thought it wasn't rape; but in the back I knew it was. I stayed with him for about another year. I will tell you that it never happened again but his behavior in the relationship got worse. I stayed because I was afraid to leave and embarrased to tell anyone about our relationship. He started showing up to my dorm unannounced and uninvited. The breaking point was when I broke up with him and then he started calling and harassing my friends. Not only was he stalking me at school but he started to harass my friends. Two professors got involved and helped me get a restraining order. A long story short he should not have done that to you; if he really loves you and cares for your well-being then he would have stopped. A real man would acknowledge your feelings and requests over his needs and wants. I would suggest leaving him and surround yourself with family, friends, or whomever that can support you at this time.
IT IS RAPE!!!!!!!!!
NO MEANMS NO ABSOLUTLY NO NO NO !!!!
He does NOT care about you at all or he would have never EVER done that!!!! Dump this JERK ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO MEANMS NO ABSOLUTLY NO NO NO !!!!
He does NOT care about you at all or he would have never EVER done that!!!! Dump this JERK ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leeis getting clean is right!!
Please please do not see him again! break it off now and try and heal. See a counselor and bring charges if that's what you want to do but first off get this jerk out of your life now!
Please please do not see him again! break it off now and try and heal. See a counselor and bring charges if that's what you want to do but first off get this jerk out of your life now!
From the second you said NO and STOP it was rape sweetie.
Dump him, a man that can't stop doesn't deserve you.
Please get some counseling, you need help, believe me...
All my support to you. xoxoxo. sophie.
Dump him, a man that can't stop doesn't deserve you.
Please get some counseling, you need help, believe me...
All my support to you. xoxoxo. sophie.
When you give yourself to the man you love, it is a gift, a gift he should cherish and respect. It should never be taken by force or disregard for your feelings.
It's really important that you understand how wrong what he did is. Accepting this kind of behavior can seriously undermine your self esteem and set you up for future abusive relationships. Whatever else you decide to do, please get this man out of your life. What he did is extremely exploitative and self centered. Don't worry about how "sorry" he seemed...he isn't. He'll tell you what he thinks you need to hear to keep you in subjection. Don't allow it. Get yourself away from him.
I'm sorry you had this horrible experience. It's very traumatizing I know.
I'm sorry you had this horrible experience. It's very traumatizing I know.
I am sorry you had an experience like this with someone you thought you could love and trust.
Simple answer: he has no respect for you, either for your body, or for your mind and emotions. He was considering you 'his property' when he did that. Someone with that level of sympathy and understanding and basic respect, you can well do without.
You are feeling bad, not just because your body was used, but because the disillusionment is a very very bitter thing. You thought he loved you, you thought you loved him. And because there is an element of grief as well. Your instincts already know he is lost to you. You are now a million miles apart, suddenly. There is no middle way. If he can do this....what else could he do, given time??
Simple answer: he has no respect for you, either for your body, or for your mind and emotions. He was considering you 'his property' when he did that. Someone with that level of sympathy and understanding and basic respect, you can well do without.
You are feeling bad, not just because your body was used, but because the disillusionment is a very very bitter thing. You thought he loved you, you thought you loved him. And because there is an element of grief as well. Your instincts already know he is lost to you. You are now a million miles apart, suddenly. There is no middle way. If he can do this....what else could he do, given time??
My heart aches for you. What you experienced was terrible, and I agree with the others - stop seeing him immediately. I am no expert by any means, but it would seems to me that a man who would violate you in that way could easily escalate into more violent acts.
And, I am troubled by your statement that you are suicidal. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE seek help if you continue to feel that way.
I will be thinking of you and send you my best wishes.
And, I am troubled by your statement that you are suicidal. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE seek help if you continue to feel that way.
I will be thinking of you and send you my best wishes.
I'm a guy and I have to say that it was rape. I'm so sorry to hear what happened, dear. Your confusion is natural because right now you are probably feeling at least 7 different feelings at once. These are:
1.) love for your boyfriend
2.) the trauma of rape
3.) betrayal
4.) disrespect
5.) depression
6.) manipulation (when he gave you the ultimatum of "If you don't do what I want, I'll leave ! "
7.) physical pain
and maybe even other emotions.
Now that you understand that you were raped and why you are feeling this way, you need to be less emotional when you decide HOW you want to DEAL WITH IT. But, how can you do that? Here are three ways to do this.
1.) You may want to talk about your feelings with a councilor, friends, priest, family member or whomever you feel comfortable with. BUT THEY MUST UNDERSTAND that you just want to "unload some feelings" and that you just need someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Once you find someone who UNDERSTANDS that their "opinions" would only complicate your feelings and cloud your judgment, pour out your feelings and accept emotional support and strength. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to cry if you want. JUST GET IT ALL OUT THERE.
2.) Go on a place where you can rest your mind such as the bank of a river, a waterfall, a beach, a ballet, a play, a movie, a vacation, or whatever and TRY to focus on something else to unburden your mind from all these conflicting emotions and bring a small measure of tranquility.
3.) Get some sleep to rest your mind before deciding what to do as well. Sleep is clinically proven to help improve your mood.
Once you can think a little more clearly, make up your own mind about whether you want to:
1.) Report the rape, have him arrested, go to court and perhaps jail
2.) Just leave him
3.) Talk to your boyfriend about what he did and tell him the legal repercussions of what he did and what you will do legally if it happens again.
4.) Seek counseling
But whatever you decide to do let it be because YOU WANT TO DO IT. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or you may feel depressed later that you didn't LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, dear.
Once you have properly dealt with your emotions, you can and WILL OVERCOME THIS. Abandon your suicidal thoughts. He will just move on and you would have punished yourself for something HE DID WRONG. Your death would have no purpose. It would hurt the ones you love. Remember you have a right to MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Nobody can take that from you. You have to WANT to get past this and remember that one event and one person MUST not define your life. You have other things in life to look forward too like marriage, children, grandchildren, a comfortable life, exciting vacations, visiting other countries, retirement, cars, clothes, music, celebrations... and so much more. So deal with your feelings, let out your emotions, make a decision and embrace your ultimate destiny in life. I have faith that you can do it. I hope this helps. Take care, dear.
1.) love for your boyfriend
2.) the trauma of rape
3.) betrayal
4.) disrespect
5.) depression
6.) manipulation (when he gave you the ultimatum of "If you don't do what I want, I'll leave ! "
7.) physical pain
and maybe even other emotions.
Now that you understand that you were raped and why you are feeling this way, you need to be less emotional when you decide HOW you want to DEAL WITH IT. But, how can you do that? Here are three ways to do this.
1.) You may want to talk about your feelings with a councilor, friends, priest, family member or whomever you feel comfortable with. BUT THEY MUST UNDERSTAND that you just want to "unload some feelings" and that you just need someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Once you find someone who UNDERSTANDS that their "opinions" would only complicate your feelings and cloud your judgment, pour out your feelings and accept emotional support and strength. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to cry if you want. JUST GET IT ALL OUT THERE.
2.) Go on a place where you can rest your mind such as the bank of a river, a waterfall, a beach, a ballet, a play, a movie, a vacation, or whatever and TRY to focus on something else to unburden your mind from all these conflicting emotions and bring a small measure of tranquility.
3.) Get some sleep to rest your mind before deciding what to do as well. Sleep is clinically proven to help improve your mood.
Once you can think a little more clearly, make up your own mind about whether you want to:
1.) Report the rape, have him arrested, go to court and perhaps jail
2.) Just leave him
3.) Talk to your boyfriend about what he did and tell him the legal repercussions of what he did and what you will do legally if it happens again.
4.) Seek counseling
But whatever you decide to do let it be because YOU WANT TO DO IT. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or you may feel depressed later that you didn't LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, dear.
Once you have properly dealt with your emotions, you can and WILL OVERCOME THIS. Abandon your suicidal thoughts. He will just move on and you would have punished yourself for something HE DID WRONG. Your death would have no purpose. It would hurt the ones you love. Remember you have a right to MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Nobody can take that from you. You have to WANT to get past this and remember that one event and one person MUST not define your life. You have other things in life to look forward too like marriage, children, grandchildren, a comfortable life, exciting vacations, visiting other countries, retirement, cars, clothes, music, celebrations... and so much more. So deal with your feelings, let out your emotions, make a decision and embrace your ultimate destiny in life. I have faith that you can do it. I hope this helps. Take care, dear.
Alot of times we already know the answers to our own questions. If you felt that you EVEN needed to ask this question then chances are you already know the answers. it is rape! almost the same, VERY confusing, thing happened to me as I woke up to my boyfriend having sex with me and I didn't know if that was rape but YES it is. I am sorry honey that you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the only advice I have is to LEAVE him NOW because, Sweety, Love Should never hurt!
Hello sweetie. When I was younger I also use to cut when things happen that were bad or upsetting. I still have some scares from it. It may help you feel better in moment but in long run it hurts worse. PLEASE DO NOT cut yourself over this jerk a$$ hole. He is not worth the blade that you would have to use to cut. You have EVERY right to be upset and hurt. If I were you I would prob have done same thing. But you need pull yourself out bed and go talk to someone and get help. Don't keep it bottled up it will consume you I promise it almost killed me. YES he did rape you, You told him NO and NO means NO, all he was thinking about was getting his rocks off and if he truly loved you and respected you he would have never ever done that to you. Please leave this guy you deserve someone so much better and someone that will treat you right and if you don't want to have sex for what ever reason he will say ok and give you hug and do whatever you need not just push his self in you. Wow he knows what he did was wrong that's way he kept asking if you were mad at him. To let you cry while he finished just so he would not have blue balls someone needs teach him a lesson in respect and FAST> If you don't want to report the rape (I would though) at least leave him and never look back cause what about the next time you say NO what if he truly hurt you bad. PLEASE get to someone any one that you trust or feel you could talk to. Honey he is not worth your life. If you ever need to talk or vent feel free message me anytime. Take care of yourself and LEAVE HIM but remember no matter what we say on her that in end it is all up to you, we would never judge you if you decied to stay with him. Don't let him turn this around on you because this is ALL HIS FAULT HE WAS WRONG!!!!
Hollie
Hollie
Unfortunately, I have to agree with everyone else. This was definitely raped. It really doesn't matter if you had sex with him 2,000 times before, if you asked or told him to stop, said no, or pushed him away and he didn't stop, or forced himself on you, it's rape.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, this is hard in any circumstance, especially when you trusted the person enough to have sex with them previously.
Please seek help through any organization. Mocsa provides counseling over the phone, or in 12 week sessions, and there are also other places to get help. You can consider pressing charges, but really, just focus on you right now. Make the decision based on what you feel is best for you.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, this is hard in any circumstance, especially when you trusted the person enough to have sex with them previously.
Please seek help through any organization. Mocsa provides counseling over the phone, or in 12 week sessions, and there are also other places to get help. You can consider pressing charges, but really, just focus on you right now. Make the decision based on what you feel is best for you.
The first thing you need to do is tell everything to someone you trust. Face to face. You can't keep it inside, it is torturing you. Talk to a family member, friend, or counsellor. Then when you get the feelings out you can think of what to do next. Needless to say, stay away from the rapist. I send you good vibes.
Well if it would of ended after the first time you said stop and he stopped then it would be a different story but since this isn't the case yeah it's rape. There's a reason Rapeman was never a robot master in a Mega Man game and there's a reason he shouldn't be in a relationship either.
Thank you guys for all the comments. I am still very emotional, very. I am not sure of so many things. He and I have talked and he has apologized so many times and I love him and I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a war or something. he says he doesn't know why he didn't stop and he keeps apologizes and we have been talking about it, but I'm so confused.
Yes and that can be of concern itself because people who are emotionally manipulative often apologize for something they did wrong as a tactic to bring the person back. Regardless of what steps you take what he did was abusive. It really would be best to create an emotional distance betweeen you and him and disconnect. If you have concerns about how you feel, best to speak it over with a therapist or friend who is supportive and emotionally neutral on the issue. There are relationship difficulties that can be settled but abuse is another matter. Its best to understand that its time to move on because what he did was wrong but he will be the last one to tell you that. I've worked with people who experienced this and although the emotional seperation process can be hard it is worth it because men that do this are repeat offenders. Speak it over with someone you trust.
I don't know who to trust anymore....the one person I trusted the most is the person who did this to me... :'( Who do you talk to when there is no one that you trust?
There should be a counseling center at the college. I believe they are required to have them by law.
I agree with Iladvocate a counsellor at the college would be a good thing to talk it out , hope you are doing okay today ...
I am no law expert..sounds like rape to me...physical and mental...you need to talk to someone these feelings you are having are because of someone doing something against your will...this man and i use that term very loosly because he is no man...cares nothing for you...if he can not control his urges becaue you sau no then you need to get away from him as fast as you can like last week........get yourself help and put his butt in jail where he belongs.....good luck..God Bless...brian
The thing about this, and someone else pointed this out already too, is that he it isn't JUST that he didn't stop... so, it doesn't even make sense that he is apologizing for that, he can't play the "once i started i just couldn't stop" card because the thing is, he DID STOP and then he STARTED AGAIN.
i am not saying that playing the "once i started i just couldn't stop" card is any sort of "get out of jail free" card... not at all, if you don't stop after someone has said no, it is rape, no matter what.
but, it is true that sometimes people can consensually go to far and one person can stop it and it can take a few seconds, and ONLY a few seconds, before the other person clues into what the person who is stopping it is saying. so, i think that in a very small number of cases, if one person kept going for a few seconds after another person said stop, that MIGHT be forgivable depending on the situation. that sort of few seconds over-board situation has happened to me before and it's almost always been forgivable, usually something to even laugh about like "oh dear, that was a mistake" sort of situation. but it's also NOT been forgivable a few times because i knew the person just was NOT listening to me and the few seconds lasted just a bit longer than anyone could excuse a brief lapse of rational thinking to.
but... this sort of situation goes absolutely beyond the "caught up in the moment lapse of judgment" excuse, not only because of how much time went by, but ALSO because he DID STOP and then he STARTED AGAIN. that means he realized what he was doing was wrong and he stopped, but then... NOT even in the moment... he decided to continue even though he had already realized what he was doing had been wrong and stopped the behaviour... he choose to continue behaviour that he knew was dreadfully wrong. he made a choice.
so, i don't understand his apology. if he is a human being and not a complete sociopath, he probably IS sorry because he is guilty... because humans get naturally guilty when we know we have done something wrong. but signs of guilt does not mean that you need to take him back. no one you are with should ever make you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do... especially sexual. and, anyone you are with should not make you feel like you want to cut and they should not ruin your life to such a degree that you stop going to classes. a person you are with should support you in your life and if they effect your life at all, they should only do so for the better. this does not sound like a healthy relationship anymore because he broke basic necessary trust that must the basis of a relationship. and, as someone else said, the apologies might also be manipulative... i stayed with someone for 4 years because they always said sorry and in the end my this person that i stayed with threatened to kill me and he broke into a new boyfriend's house trying to hurt my new boyfriend as well and i still live in fear to this day... i wish i had left after the first threat, a year into the relationship, because although the first threat was a terrible threat and terrified me, it wasn't as terrible as a death threat... my point is, these things can escalate if you continue to accept apologies after extremely disturbing behaviour.
i am just so sorry that this happened to you and that you are going through this. i can only imagine how stressful it is. i hope that you are able to go back to classes soon... don't let him ruin your life... he isn't worth it... no one is... you're worth more than anyone.
i am not saying that playing the "once i started i just couldn't stop" card is any sort of "get out of jail free" card... not at all, if you don't stop after someone has said no, it is rape, no matter what.
but, it is true that sometimes people can consensually go to far and one person can stop it and it can take a few seconds, and ONLY a few seconds, before the other person clues into what the person who is stopping it is saying. so, i think that in a very small number of cases, if one person kept going for a few seconds after another person said stop, that MIGHT be forgivable depending on the situation. that sort of few seconds over-board situation has happened to me before and it's almost always been forgivable, usually something to even laugh about like "oh dear, that was a mistake" sort of situation. but it's also NOT been forgivable a few times because i knew the person just was NOT listening to me and the few seconds lasted just a bit longer than anyone could excuse a brief lapse of rational thinking to.
but... this sort of situation goes absolutely beyond the "caught up in the moment lapse of judgment" excuse, not only because of how much time went by, but ALSO because he DID STOP and then he STARTED AGAIN. that means he realized what he was doing was wrong and he stopped, but then... NOT even in the moment... he decided to continue even though he had already realized what he was doing had been wrong and stopped the behaviour... he choose to continue behaviour that he knew was dreadfully wrong. he made a choice.
so, i don't understand his apology. if he is a human being and not a complete sociopath, he probably IS sorry because he is guilty... because humans get naturally guilty when we know we have done something wrong. but signs of guilt does not mean that you need to take him back. no one you are with should ever make you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do... especially sexual. and, anyone you are with should not make you feel like you want to cut and they should not ruin your life to such a degree that you stop going to classes. a person you are with should support you in your life and if they effect your life at all, they should only do so for the better. this does not sound like a healthy relationship anymore because he broke basic necessary trust that must the basis of a relationship. and, as someone else said, the apologies might also be manipulative... i stayed with someone for 4 years because they always said sorry and in the end my this person that i stayed with threatened to kill me and he broke into a new boyfriend's house trying to hurt my new boyfriend as well and i still live in fear to this day... i wish i had left after the first threat, a year into the relationship, because although the first threat was a terrible threat and terrified me, it wasn't as terrible as a death threat... my point is, these things can escalate if you continue to accept apologies after extremely disturbing behaviour.
i am just so sorry that this happened to you and that you are going through this. i can only imagine how stressful it is. i hope that you are able to go back to classes soon... don't let him ruin your life... he isn't worth it... no one is... you're worth more than anyone.
awwe, honey. I'm so sorry that thiss happened to you. Nobody should have to feel like this, especially not someone so wonderful.
OMG, no one should do that. Never! I have been through something similar, with my first husband, when he just climbed on top of me and wouldn''t stop. It was horrible. Yes, absolutely, it's rape. Keep talking about it. You are strong and will get through this!!! Don't even think for a second that you "deserve" it, and try not to hurt yourself, though I know that feeling too! But my experience is that it does not help long-term, just leaves you with scars and more emptiness... My prayers are with you, and I'll be thinking of you today.
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