JoyRenee's Profile
A Miscarriage Story
Jun 10, 2008 06:36PM
- 12 comments
Lately a lot of women I know through blogging and message boards have had miscarriages. So I wanted to share more about my miscarriage by sharing excerpts from my personal journal. I hope it brings hope and healing to all of you!
03/29/2006
"I'm pregnant again! I am so incredibly excited. I just can't hardly believe it. Elaina's pregnancy is on the forefront of my mind almost constantly. How can I do this without comparing babies?
It's so cool to think that this little baby is forming and has a DNA pattern, with their gender, hair color, eye color, personality already in them. I just can't wait for the joy this new baby will bring to our family..."
04/08/2006
Two days ago I miscarried the beautiful baby I had learned about just a week ago. So many emotions cloud my mind. INTENSE emotions of anger, sadness, biterness. How can I do this? How can I ever move on?
No one understands. Do they actually believe that because I was so newly pregnant it doesn't count? Well it does. I just want to scream and break things!
Everything is a blur. It happened so fast, so unexpectedly. How can I ever feel safe to bond with my future pregnancies? I feel defective and my self-esteem is crushed. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? I'm too afraid to be pregnant again.
04/10/2006
I'm already starting to feel a little better for multiple reasons. First, I really believe I'm going through a phase of disbelief. I think a deep root of reality will happen next week at my OBGYN visit.
Second, my sister encouraged me by telling me Aaron IS alive, waiting for us in Heaven. He's NOT dead. That gave me peace and solace.
Today I picked a red tulip for Aaron, told him I'll always love and miss him, before setting the flower next to a tree in the backyard. Even though I'm scared this could happen again, Daniel and I are going to try to have a baby as soon as it's safe.
We aren't doing it to replace Aaron or minimize our grief. We want to have hope and future. We need to be able to be optimistic about our reproduction and not ashamed or discouraged. I will always ache and grieve for him [Aaron]. He was my baby, not matter how unformed. I will always love Aaron.
06/02/2006
I'd be 16 weeks pregnant by now. I can't help but think where we'd be if I hadn't lose the baby. SOmetimes I feel like it is ME I've lost. Right now I feel alone.
It's so easy to bury my emotions or become "busy". I've been doing both the past seven weeks. I am so restless and I always have to be doing something. I got lost in my chaos so I wouldn't have to feel pain; kind of like being on the defense, protecting myself.
I can't even look at Elaina's ultrasound and birth pictures without twinges of pain in my heart. I see those pictures and all the "What ifs" and my initial excitement of being pregnant flood me.
Some people don't even know I was pregnant and lost him. And there are times when it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't tell them. My sorrow is so deep I can hardly breathe sometimes.
It took 8 weeks to start my cycle and so Daniel and I can start trying... We bought a house and I already have the paint for the nursery. I'll be nice to have that painted before I become pregnant. It's also nice to have something to look forward to.
08/11/2006
We moved July 1st into our very first home. And a couple weeks later I took a pregnancy test, not really expecting anything. And I got the faintest positive!
It was so surreal and scary. I still can't believe it sometimes (I'm 10 weeks pregnant). I'm having a hard time "bonding" with this baby, as I predicted might happen. But I've kept busy with baby preparations.
I've already set up the nursery except for the crib and changing table. I've bought diapers and made a blanket. I'm definitely excited and keeping busy. It just doesn't seem real yet.
Present Day:
And the rest is history, as they say. Abigail was born March 24th, just two days shy of her due date. I know that right now, in the midst of your pain, you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it IS there. You just have to pick yourself up and keep walking toward it.
To continue to follow my blog go to: www.whendoesdaddycomehome.blogspot.com
Joy
03/29/2006
"I'm pregnant again! I am so incredibly excited. I just can't hardly believe it. Elaina's pregnancy is on the forefront of my mind almost constantly. How can I do this without comparing babies?
It's so cool to think that this little baby is forming and has a DNA pattern, with their gender, hair color, eye color, personality already in them. I just can't wait for the joy this new baby will bring to our family..."
04/08/2006
Two days ago I miscarried the beautiful baby I had learned about just a week ago. So many emotions cloud my mind. INTENSE emotions of anger, sadness, biterness. How can I do this? How can I ever move on?
No one understands. Do they actually believe that because I was so newly pregnant it doesn't count? Well it does. I just want to scream and break things!
Everything is a blur. It happened so fast, so unexpectedly. How can I ever feel safe to bond with my future pregnancies? I feel defective and my self-esteem is crushed. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? I'm too afraid to be pregnant again.
04/10/2006
I'm already starting to feel a little better for multiple reasons. First, I really believe I'm going through a phase of disbelief. I think a deep root of reality will happen next week at my OBGYN visit.
Second, my sister encouraged me by telling me Aaron IS alive, waiting for us in Heaven. He's NOT dead. That gave me peace and solace.
Today I picked a red tulip for Aaron, told him I'll always love and miss him, before setting the flower next to a tree in the backyard. Even though I'm scared this could happen again, Daniel and I are going to try to have a baby as soon as it's safe.
We aren't doing it to replace Aaron or minimize our grief. We want to have hope and future. We need to be able to be optimistic about our reproduction and not ashamed or discouraged. I will always ache and grieve for him [Aaron]. He was my baby, not matter how unformed. I will always love Aaron.
06/02/2006
I'd be 16 weeks pregnant by now. I can't help but think where we'd be if I hadn't lose the baby. SOmetimes I feel like it is ME I've lost. Right now I feel alone.
It's so easy to bury my emotions or become "busy". I've been doing both the past seven weeks. I am so restless and I always have to be doing something. I got lost in my chaos so I wouldn't have to feel pain; kind of like being on the defense, protecting myself.
I can't even look at Elaina's ultrasound and birth pictures without twinges of pain in my heart. I see those pictures and all the "What ifs" and my initial excitement of being pregnant flood me.
Some people don't even know I was pregnant and lost him. And there are times when it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't tell them. My sorrow is so deep I can hardly breathe sometimes.
It took 8 weeks to start my cycle and so Daniel and I can start trying... We bought a house and I already have the paint for the nursery. I'll be nice to have that painted before I become pregnant. It's also nice to have something to look forward to.
08/11/2006
We moved July 1st into our very first home. And a couple weeks later I took a pregnancy test, not really expecting anything. And I got the faintest positive!
It was so surreal and scary. I still can't believe it sometimes (I'm 10 weeks pregnant). I'm having a hard time "bonding" with this baby, as I predicted might happen. But I've kept busy with baby preparations.
I've already set up the nursery except for the crib and changing table. I've bought diapers and made a blanket. I'm definitely excited and keeping busy. It just doesn't seem real yet.
Present Day:
And the rest is history, as they say. Abigail was born March 24th, just two days shy of her due date. I know that right now, in the midst of your pain, you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it IS there. You just have to pick yourself up and keep walking toward it.
To continue to follow my blog go to: www.whendoesdaddycomehome.blogspot.com
Joy
Hi Joy! Thank you for sharing your journal. That was really beautiful. It's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's getting brighter and brigher as each day passes for me. DH and I have made a total of 4 babies, and I've been doing nothing but praying that our 4th "sticks" around. I know EXACTLY how you felt when you found out you were prego a 2nd time with Abigail. Unfortunately my story didn't end as wonderful as yours, BUT, it's the past, and I'm prego now, and I'm doing everything in my power to keep my faith. It's all I have, and my miracle progesterone supplement that I'm pretty sure is doing the job!
Congrats to DH on becoming a licenses pastor! How wonderful!
VERY STICKY BABYDUST AS WELL!
Congrats to DH on becoming a licenses pastor! How wonderful!
VERY STICKY BABYDUST AS WELL!
Thanks it nice to know that someone knows my pain as well. So many emotions go along with it also. I have been there and did it twice. So if i ever get pg again i will be so scared. I am not sure i could go thru a third m/c. But thanks for sharing something so personal. Hope you the best hon..
Yeah, I was incredibly scared the entire time I was pregnant with Abigail. The fear never went away until I held her in my arms. I was so afraid to get close to her for fear of losing her.
But I have to remind myself if I hadn't lost the pregnancy that I did, I would not have Abigail. There's no way she would have been conceived if I had a different baby. And I cannot imagine not having her. She is so joyful and happy and incredible.
I'm so sorry for both of your pains and I wish you guys the best of luck!!!
Kimmy, thanks for the congrats! My hubby is a brand new pastor... which means I'm now a pastor's wife (*GULP*). I didn't even think about that!
But I have to remind myself if I hadn't lost the pregnancy that I did, I would not have Abigail. There's no way she would have been conceived if I had a different baby. And I cannot imagine not having her. She is so joyful and happy and incredible.
I'm so sorry for both of your pains and I wish you guys the best of luck!!!
Kimmy, thanks for the congrats! My hubby is a brand new pastor... which means I'm now a pastor's wife (*GULP*). I didn't even think about that!
Oh, Joy!!!! Congrats on Daniel becoming a pastor!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for both you and him. And your journal is an inspiration to others. You are so very good with words.
I hope all is well with you and your family. Sounds like it is.....Take Care!!!
I hope all is well with you and your family. Sounds like it is.....Take Care!!!
Thanks, Michele! Sorry I haven't messaged you in a while!!! But yes, Daniel is now officially a pastor. He's been working in the ministry all his life, but started getting paid by his church 9 years ago as a staff member, and now he's licensed! He's still the youth pastor and he's the worship leader. I honestly believe his calling is more in the music ministry than anything, but he's gifted no matter what he does!
Again, thanks for the congrats! I'll be posting pics from the ceremony via my blog (listed up above in my profile) whenever I get the CDROM from my father-in-law.
Again, thanks for the congrats! I'll be posting pics from the ceremony via my blog (listed up above in my profile) whenever I get the CDROM from my father-in-law.
Thank you Joy for sharing..I feel a lot of the same emotions. I think now I have finally let myself grieve, a month and a half later. I think I was in disbelief since I was not very far along, but now I am starting to get emotional about losing my baby. I have high hopes though, and know it will happen in God's timing.
Thanks again!
Thanks again!
Thank you so much Joy for sharing your journal. Going through 2 miscarriages and currently TTC #3, I can relate so much. It's been 3 (going on 4 months) since my last miscarriage and I'm excited about TTC again, but scared to death of the "what ifs". I know I have to put it in God's hands. And it helps knowing that we've been through all the testing with the RE and know that nothing is wrong with us, it's just God's timing. So, DH and I have decided to continue to try until HE thinks it's our right time to be mommy and daddy. Thank you again!
Kristy
Kristy
that is so how i felt that was great you documented it I love it thanks
Joy, thank you for sharing your story. I too had a miscarriage almost 9 years ago (age 18); however, I didn't tell anyone but my best friend. Eventually my new boyfriend (now my DH) found out because I was emotional during the time of the due date and I had to tell him what was bothering me. Currently we are TTC our first child together and I am constantly thinking about my miscarriage. I also finally broke down and spoke to my doctor about the miscarriage, as I had not previously told her I had been prego before because I felt ashamed. The reception I got from her was unbelievable...I guess you should never be ashamed, there is a reason for everything and the Lord was not ready at that time to make me a mommy. Again, I was very touched by your story and thanks for sharing. Enjoy your family!
This really hit home for me...this is exactly how I felt, I had my first m/c at 11wks this hurted me so bad so when I got pregnant a year later around the same time I did with the first pregnancy I wasnt really"into the pregnancy", my due date was only a day before my due date was with my first pregnancy. SO when i ended up having a m/c at 19wks6days with my second baby (my son, who we named Talon) It didnt hurt as bad as the first m/c, I guess b/c I didnt really just get into my pregnancy even tho I did carry him longer. Everybody said I was crazy and thought that i had fallen deep into "postpartum depression" because I wasnt just upset by the m/c as I guess they thought I shoulda been. The whole time I was pregnant I just was thinking about my first m/c, and I kept telling everyone that I was going to have another m/c, but they thought I was just depressed. With both of these pregnancies I wasnt ttc. Now that im ttc its not happening I been trying since Jan. 08 but we also tried for about 3months after my second m/c and nothing. This really hit home for me and I know I said it already, it had me in tears reading it because people really dont understand thats for the ones that hadnt experienced m/c's. But Im starting to look at it in a sense of how u are with ur babygirl, whenever God does bless us with another pregnancy im not saying that im not gonna stress over but im just gonna look at it n a different way b/c had I actually had either of those two babies, I sure wouldnt have the opportunity to meet the one that's to become in the future(which I hope its very soon)
Sorry I hit post before I was done, but thanks for sharing ur story its very touching, and Good Luck to you!!!!******
Thank you to everyone who also shared their stories with me! It's so easy for someone who has not experienced a miscarriage to think, "Oh, well it was just a miscarriage." They don't realize their is an entire story behind the miscarriage and there is so much grief and anger and heartache.
I'm so glad I have given some of you a measure of hope. Good luck to all of you currently pregnant (and worried) and those who are TTC again!
I'm so glad I have given some of you a measure of hope. Good luck to all of you currently pregnant (and worried) and those who are TTC again!
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