In CA. Almost killed this ******* girl because she was like I HATE THIS THIS GUYS A ****. And I'm like Well, I like making spaghetti. And for the rest of the class she would randomly yell I LOVE MAKING PASTA AREN'T I AWESOME AT IT? And she would obnoxiously crank her spaghetti while half laying in my lap. I thought I was doing pretty damn good, but you know, I wasn't screaming and throwing knives around so she obv did way better than me. Cept her pastas were ugly. Mine were wonderful, and she kept trying to correct everyone when she was wrong everytime and then yelling at them more when it didn't come out right. Not saying mine were perfect or anything, btw, just that she pissed me off and was obnoxious about it.
So yeah then the rest of the day I tried to be really productive but it didn't always work that great. I was not good in Spanish. We have the train similation tomarrow and it's overwhelming. I'm SCARED. It's a major source of anxiety and I can't do bad or I will not pass the class. And I DO NOT want to come back. Please, I am trying. I was so tired this morning. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't sick and didn't want to stay home (miss pasta and get an absence), but I was just...I could feel that I would be pulled down. I felt pretty good, today was the first day in about a week I could confidently swallow solid foods. Not well, but enough to feed myself. Which I suck at anyways. Pish posh.
Went to YAP. Which I love and all, but is a stressor for me because I get headaches trying to do right. Trying to be cheery, and I am. It gives me a headache, I overthink it so much. I can't help it. But I'm trying to not be an *** to the kids who need it, that don't deserve my assholeness and I was having major word vomit. I'm always scared I'm do something stupid and Shei's gonna hate me. I know that's dumb on my part, I just can't get over it. There's a new girl and I'm not sure what it is but sometimes I can't get my head right and I just don't like her then. I'm trying to but I will not be lending her my sweatshirt in the rain and cold. No. I am not that generous, not at all. Ross brought in cookies, not sure why he did, but I enjoyed them.
Fran had a song about me, even though I didn't want one. That was ok, you know? But it would be wierd for anyone else. It was She by Green Day. I like it. I like to know what I am, to people. I'm a cynical fat little brat to me, but what am I to them? This thing that blabs and is rude and dumb? This isn't me. My thoughts aren't as heartless as I'd like. I have too much pride and I won't give up. I sorry, world.
We played Jeopary thing and it was like antidepressants/headaches/eating disorders/depression/anxiety. We were pretty good at it, the lot of us. Of course I know all these random DSM criteria, espially the eating disorder ones. The new girl was on my team and also kept choosing the eating disorder ones. I felt competitive, because I know these things by heart and in an out and personally. I don't know her. I know Shei knows them too though, and she's in class for these things. The boys and Sam are dead lost. It was great. Well Sam knows the over eating things. Which I don't, because they deter me to hear and read them. I can't get ideas like that into my head, I'm trouble. It was educational though.
Afterwards Shei brought me back to my house. We played with the ferrets and I held the baby. I feel horrible now though because I keep sneezing and my nose is running and I'm so scared I have something becasue she doesn't have her vaccinations. My mom came, and then we four ended up talking for uhm, three hours. It was fun though. Billy was watching Caelan. She's such a little cutie. I didn't think my mom was going to put her down. The ferrets are going to come over for a playdate, mark my word.
I am really scared I'm getting sick and stuff. I decided I didn't want the vaccine about a week ago, of course today I find out there are three kids in my school with the swine flu. WTF? Isn't that something you should tell the other students who attend?! I don't want to go anymore, I'm scared. As private as it's supposed to be and stuff, really, wtf. Why am I just hearing this now?