Packing up my life...

Tonight, I pack up my life again.  I make the choices as to what things are important enough to keep and what can be left behind.  I'm uncovering the past and finding things that surprise me, make me smile and make me grieve.  My head is swimming in a constant influx of thoughts, anticipations and anxieties.  I'm leaving the space that I only just called comfortable and walking into the space of my family and ancestors.  I feel like I am stepping into the past, but not just my own past, the past of my family for the last 70 or more years.  I'm scared.  I feel alone, walking into territory that is so familiar and yet things seem so unsure and unknown that I have no idea how to even prepare myself.  It feels as though I am going to a half way house where all my belongings and life will be scrutinized and judged.  My face is soaked with the tears of the evening .. From the euphoric memories of my Christopher to the negative thoughts that permeate my consciousness and try to destroy my memory of him or turn it into some deranged story about a web if lies and deceit that he had woven just for me.  Tears because of the instability and uncertainty that I am plagued with, nearly always.  The space here is not my own, nor the space I will live in next nor the space I lived in prior.  Will the rug be pulled from beneath me?   Will I ever experience what "home" means?  ..