And I can't help it. I'll be right there, following along, doing so great, and then I realized I haven't said a word in a long time. In fact, nobodies looked at me in a long time. Am I still here? Are they really there? Is this in my head? What are we even doing? I should prolly go away before someone sees me. And I leave. And I can't go back. Not till I'm ready, which could be not at all. And those times, when they do whatever they're doing for hours, I may just watch for hours. I have to keep that happy face on, because the moment I let it slide, I slide too. The cheese falls right out of the lasagna and the whole dinner is spoiled.
I accomplished a lot today, I think. It was a very long day. I woke up around noon, early for me when I don't have to. Baked my casserole. We thought it was done, and it WAS fully cooked, just a bit soft, so mom insisted on telling anyone who came in to see it it wasn't cooked all the way and we should have left it in longer and it could have been so much better and I'm literally going just stfu. I tried, ok? I tried. I enjoyed it, I ate so much of it.
I went out driving with my dad, for several hours. We did errands, and I spent a lot of time in traffic and then parked a million times and then drove backwards around my road a few times, down my drive, up my drive, into the spot right where the hill starts WITHOUT scratching up MY car. Which I intend to put insurance on in the next few days and also start doing as many hours a day as I can get in because I realized today how close the snow was coming. I'm scared.
I cut the ferrets nails, and gave them both showers, washed their hair and they were squeaky clean. They'll look nice if Shei's ferrets come over tomarrow, and even if they don't; I still think they look nice. I had a tantrum and ended up crying becuase my brother slept till four, I HAD to wake him up. He rolled out of bed and walked straight into the shower. A half hour before halloween. I drove in the heat for hours, and just came home wanting nothing but a shower and to wash my ferrets and as I was walking into the bathroom he popped the shower on. And because I got upset, my mom refused to take my side asying I didn't deserve it even though I worked all morning and he slept, because I got mad. So I kicked his laundry basket and went in the shower anyways. Idiot.
Steve came over and we carved pumpkins, and I like mine but I don' t think anyone will get that it was a narwhal...because I'm just remembering RIGHT NOW that I forgot to put the horn on because I got frusterated because it just looked like a fish. I wrote Kiby on it, but the b looks like an L and it's hard to read. Steve's had a silly face, and we lit them on the porch. My kitty pumpkin is at their house. I like both my pumpkins, even if no one likes that I did them both free hand. We were quite late to go out trick or treating. We went to a dif neighborhood and we were with Chels, Richie, and Xiomarah. I felt silly again in my costume, which was compromised because I left the gloves in Shei's car, the boots made my feet hurt, and the shirt was too little, and it was raining. I still looked nice, but I made no sense. They just wanted to run ahead, and no one was even home at the houses. I was tired and Steve didn't want to be there and whatnot. We got some candy, and stopped at Richie's house and then went back to Steve's.
My glowsticks didn't light up. I guess they were too old, but why didn't they work? I was so excited to finally use them. I wore them anyways. Ugh.
I can't figure out why I can't stop bleeding and I'm really confused and upset and worried about it. It's a nuisance and I don't understand it and I can't make it stop. I still had fun at his house, though. We ate pudding. And I felt so bad because he spoils me and I'm an ungrateful little brat and I don't know how to stop. I'm so tired all the time and I'm a lazy ******* and he always says yes and I don't get it.
Then of course I see this girl ALL THE TIME at gymnatics and I just keep seeing her face everywhere and it's stupid but I hate her name and everyone's always saying it because it said something about her being the greatest person ever or something in Steve's profile a while back. I think it's different now, there's nothing there. And maybe he didn't write it, you know, she logged on his sn or something and put it there? But then again, obviously they talk if she knew it, and obviously something was strange if she knew his password. I don't know it at all. Even more obviously, they must be good friends, since she or he would bother writing that in the first place. Or he put it there, because he'll do things like that. But he's never done something like that about me. Why not? Is it because I'm not pretty? Why does he even like me? I don't even believe that he likes the way I look, not right now, because I look nothing like her. She's little and blonde and smiley and happy and cheery and athletic and goes out and I'm the exact opposite. I'm trying, but it's just not me and it doesn't work for me and all the girls he liked that I know are exactly like that and I'm not sure what to think and I feel like an idiot but I don't know anymore and it's all I can think about and I think I make him mad so often and I really do and he gets mad when I get mad at my family and he really doesn't get it and I'm trying not to but he likes them better than me and I'm so scared and I don't know I don't know I don't know I DON'T KNOW. Why do I make him so mad? Why won't he just say he's mad at me? Why is he still here and he doesn't leave me after all the dumb things I've done and hurt him and since I don't think he likes anything about me even though he says all these things I know he doesn't. Look at her, just look at her. And tell me how anyone who likes her, who is freinds with someone like her, could even look twice at me. I don't get it and I wish I understood. I'm going to ask tomarrow. Every girl before me has been exactly like her and I don't get it. I haven't doubted myself so much in so long, not about this. Why today?