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I was so tired

Nov 02, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

sleep

,

TIRED

,

pills

,

overdose

,

suicide

,

suicide risk

,

contracting for safety

,

steve

,

napping

,

up

,

hunger

,

prilosec

,

self induced

,

over eating

,

Reflux

,

feet

,

self harm

,

nail marks

,

medication arguement

,

kidneys

,

Stomach Lining

,

scarlet fever

,

poison icy/ sumac

,

antibiotics

,

jon

,

livejournal

,

plain mean

,

Death

,

HALLOWEEN

,

stupid wind

,

rotting trees

,

brothers

,

Dave

,

Love



I guess I didn't sleep well? Well actually I should fill out yesterday's journal because it's very important. There is a reason. Actually I was too upset to get a glass of water to take twenty pills, it was too much, I couldn't even breathe. Otherwise I'd be in the ICU if not dead right now. Why am I back to this?

I'm still tired. I'm so unbelievably tired. I look horrible, and I don't know what to do. I'm making this fast so I can get my *** in bed. I slept through A block, B block, and lunch. The rest of the day was long and full of distracting myself to stay awake. I went to Steve's and slept three hours. I felt a bit better. I could have slept through the night though, I believe. I watched UP and was just not even in the mood to get sad about it. I'm so hungry, I can't even believe it. I am not safe. I am not safe. I am not safe  and I don't know how else to say it. I am probably going to take a Prilosec or two because I can not eat like this and stay alive. There is no way.  Today? About seven pieces of candy, spaghetti, a muffin with a lot of butter, a bag of popcorn, a parfeit, and I'm still hungry. But I ate everything but the candy in the last few hours. I am unsatiable, this isn't me at all. Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to have reflux? God's ******* revenge on me, for my past behaviors. This is why I can't believe.

My feet look like I was attacked by a cuddlefish or porkupine. They're nail marks though.  That's all that was exposed last night, thank god. They're strange though. No way to explain them.

Without the details, I tried to stay in high spirits, and failed miserably. But I tried. I got in a fight with steve about medications. He was raised without  them, I was raised on them. Not that I had a choice, I mean I wouldn't have kidneys today otherwise. I would have killed myself, many times over. My stomach lining would be rotted out of my stomach. And more, for all the ridiculous little things I've caught during the years that my immune system can't fight for some reason. Such as scarlet fever and poison ivy and sumac so badly it was halfway down my throat before the antibiotics took hold.

I'm not speaking to my brother, because of last night. If I don't give you a reasonably update from yesterday, remind me to see my livejournal for his date. I'm terrified he is going to die, while I'm not speaking to him. This always scares me, so much. I don't know what to do. Did you hear about the little boy whom died on Halloween night from a tree falling on him? He lived near me, there weren't many kids out that night. And this has never happened before. Why was it so windy that night? I don't understand anything anymore, he was ten years old. I'm sorry little guy, and I'm sorry Jon. I swear I'll get over this by tomarrow, and don't die in your sleep or before I see you again. I love my brothers, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care.

I'm going to sleep. This isn't fair.

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