8 days

Well I'm 8 days clean from a vic/perc relapse - I had 30 days at the end of July and got a few for severe pain.  Used them for a couple days, pain got better and on I went.  Yeah, I got a little cocky: ok, I can use a few every once in awhile when the pain's really bad - and maybe I could have.  As long as I don't have free access to them.  Anyway I'm starting over, and doing it the only way I know to do for me - C/T off of 110-125mg. a day, w/d's were much easier this time, don't know why, feel like I deserve to have a much worse time.  12 steps are not for me and neither is therapy.  For those who find comfort there, I'm happy for you, but it won't work for me.  I'll isolate until I feel like joining the real world again (and after 6-7 days, I've been out a little.)   But don't think I'll be posting much to the forum - lot of judgement there in a supposedly non-judgemental environment.  But the truth of the matter is I have chronic serious medical issues and there's almost 100% chance that I'll need surgeries in the future.  I'm trying to suck up the everyday pain (and I'm past the w/d rebound pain, this is the original pain that got me started.)  But for the big ones, I don't see anyway past using a narcotic pain reliever.  And I guess some would say 'that's your mind trying to trick you into using....'  Yeah, right.  I want major life-threatening surgery and yet one more stint in ICU, just so I can get a pill.  Also, everyone talks about how 'great' it feels to finally get back to normal.  Well when 'normal' *****, I just can't seem to look forward to it.  But anyway, it's my problem, I got myself in and I'll get myself out which is how I roll.  I like doing the tracker so plan to use that.  And we'll see what happens.


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