After 23 years, there's finally closure

My parents divorced when I was two years old, and within the same year, my dad re-married my stepmom. This was 23 years ago, so clearly, they've established a good, strong marriage. I have no memories whatsoever of my parents' marriage, or being together, so as far as how I handled the blended family scenario, I honestly know no other way.
For as far back as my earliest memories go with my dad's family (which consists of him, my stepmom, her daughter and their daughter together--my older stepsister and my younger half sister), I had issues with both my dad and my stepmom. It was mainly my stepmom, but my dad had a major role in my issues as well. Whenever I'd go to visit, which was nearly every week between ages 2-5, about once a month from ages 5-7, and once a year from ages 8-18 (his family and my mom and I both made frequent residential moves further and further apart over the years for career reasons), I had *extreme* insecurity and anxiety issues. These issues were almost always directed at my stepmom. I had my reasons, but never knew how to express them as a child, and the problems just got worse for me into my teen years and more and more confusing and hurtful to my dad and stepmom, as my feelings of insecurity and anxiety morphed into bitterness and resentment towards both of them, but again, mainly my stepmom. They obviously had no problem recognizing that I was distant and uninterested in being a part of their family, especially if anything involved my stepmom.
This confusion and concern resulted in major tension between not just me and his family, but between them and my mom, as they assumed she might possibly be influencing my attitude towards them. As I got into my teen years, my dad would occasionally bring up in conversation and ask if my mom ever gave me the impression that I didn't belong as part of his family or some such possibility, and I always assured him that she never did a thing to persuade my thinking in such a negative way; in fact, she *wanted* me to be a bigger part of his life and his family, but wasn't sure how to persuade *me* of that because she recognized the issues I had but had no clue what the problem was. I know now that both sides of my family let my issues continue without digging to find the cause only because they didn't want to probe a child's feelings and try to make me explain issues that I myself didn't understand as a child, plus, the distance and contact between all of us was so minimal that everything just fell by the wayside for 23 years.

From personal perspective, and being an adult now knowing exactly what the problem was, this was my issue as a child when I was a part of my dad's life and family: I had a personality that was not the norm of an average child. Hence, when visiting with them, my two sisters had to be parented in an average fashion (strict boundaries, firm discipline, yet they were also easily adaptable and resilient), whereas I required a much, much different approach. I was hyper sensitive, extremely introverted, a non-risk taker, super compliant, and only needed so much as a stern look and low, quiet voice for discipline. I did not have the capacity to "bounce back" after discipline; I'd dwell on it sometimes for days. Because of my reaction to disappointing or disobeying any authority figure, I seldomly tested boundaries; I did not like feeling like a failure or disappointment, and I could hardly handle those emotions. I was an average kid in that I'd overstep a boundary or two from time to time, sometimes purposely (and then never again), but mostly accidental where curiosity, immaturity, or ignorance got the better of my judgement. But I was not the type of kid who needed strict, firm, or harsh discipline or punishment, because I usually put that all on myself after seeing the look on someone's face that told me everything I knew about my wrongdoing.
When I'd visit my dad, over and over again he told me how my stepmom loved me as her own daughter, just as much as my sisters, and how she treated me the same way as them. I never understood that as a child. In my mind, I thought she hated me. In my mind, she was always so mean to me and would inflict *very* harsh punishments on me during times when I genuinely did not understand what I'd done wrong. In retrospect, I see now that she was just a very reactive person and would respond to a situation without knowing the reason it happened. It's just how she is, to this day. As an adult, I understand that now and don't hold that personality trait against her, but as a child, I did not understand. I have numerous memories, of which I will not go into detail, of her accusing me of lying to her when I did not, or raising her voice at me in anger when I'd done something accidental such as drop and break a plate, for example. Her reactions and responses to me would be traumatic and devastating. From my earliest age, I developed a fear of her, and that is why I had such insecurity and anxiety in my dad's family. As I got a little older, I ended up resenting my dad for not seeing this or acknowledge that it was happening to me. I felt like he was on the same page as my stepmom and that I deserved to be treated that way, and I felt so misunderstood by my stepmom and neglected by my dad. I became resentful that my dad clearly saw the problem, but it seemed he refused to talk to me about it when I was older. I grew to hate visiting with them and would try to find every excuse in the book to avoid my once-a-year visits by the time I was an older child.
A major family event happened to my dad's side of the family nearly two years ago that changed my life and how I viewed the problems I had with them. I won't go into detail, but basically, it was such a tragic event that it opened my heart to a full understanding of their love for me, although the gap still remained open from my childhood misunderstandings between us. For the first time in my life at that point, I accepted their love for me and I forgave the past. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged to that side of my family. I knew at that point, it was best to let everything stay in the past and just get on with making a better future. My understanding and my heart had been opened to them, and that was good enough for me.
Apparently, however, my dad and stepmom still needed their closure. They still were in the dark as to why I was so distant and withdrawn from them for basically my entire life. I've made what I thought were huge strides to be involved with them (now that we live much closer together), and especially showing acceptance and peace with my stepmom. But I guess from their perspective, or at least mainly my stepmom's, things haven't been so great.
My dad wrote me an email the other day, out of the blue, practically begging me to explain why I've spent my whole life rejecting my stepmom, and explained how much hurt she still carried around about my rejection of her--that the "icing on the cake" of my "rejection" of her was my wedding day. He explained that she was almost overlooked during the mother/stepmother/grandmother seating, and that she had seen none of the photos we'd taken of the family, so she wondered if I didn't want to post those to Facebook because I was so rejecting of her?
He explained that I also have never sent her a birthday card, but that she always remembers my birthday, and even Trevor's, whom she loves and claims as her grandson. He explained that she's been there for all my major events in life, from childhood days, to visiting me after Trevor was born, to my college graduation, to my wedding...but that she thinks I've never cared to acknowledge her existence in my life.
He explained how he wondered if I "rejected" her because I never coped with his and my mom's divorce, and that if that was the reason, he was so sorry that their marriage couldn't make it, and that I had to grow up in a blended family that tore me from one house to another, one lifestyle to another, one state to another, for my lifetime.
He explained that he cares too much for my stepmom to ignore this issue any further, and he had to ask for her sake and for their peace of mind. He said they needed to know why I have spent my whole life "rejecting" my stepmom.
The craziest thing is that I was *overjoyed* to get his email--I thought he would never come out of what I thought was his denial of my childhood issues with his family...his wife...I thought he would never care enough to ask me. I nearly cried when I read it because I felt for the first time in my life, my father was reaching out to understand one of my ultimate, deepest, darkest, misunderstood issues of my life.
I emailed him back and explained everything I could--from the wedding issues all the way back to my earliest memories. I explained the childhood issues I have matured into and now understand, and hold no ill will over my stepmom whatsoever. That was the biggest part--literally 20 years' worth.
I explained that I'd never thought to ask of her birthday, but then again, no one ever told me when it was, either...and that I was sorry that had never crossed my mind. I explained that half the wedding issues he mentioned were out of my control, and the other half (the photo part), has to do with the ceremony and family pictures turning out so dark that I'd like to alter them before posting them to Facebook, and that there are so many (over 300) that I just haven't had time to get to them yet. But I had thought the interaction we had at my wedding was wonderful, and I was surprised to hear that she went home so disappointed and hurt. I had no idea.
I sent the email and he responded the next day expressing how grateful he was that he had not offended me, and that I made perfect sense about everything I wrote, and that he could finally see what went wrong between me and them for 20 years. He said he always wanted to address this sooner, but didn't know how to approach it, and didn't know if it would be appropriate to even ask me after so long. He said he never asked me during my older childhood and teen years because he knew I wasn't mature enough to understand how I felt, much less explain it, without causing me more distress. He said he always realized my stepmom never once treated me any differently than my two sisters, but that I'd never spent enough time with them for either of them to realize that I *had* to be treated differently, because not understanding my individuality is what destroyed all interaction and the relationship between me and everyone else in his family for so many years.
Needless to say, getting this all out in the open has been a huge milestone between my dad and me. We're finally growing the close father/daughter bond that we never had until only two years ago, really. And now, I'm hoping my stepmom and I can form a closer, more understanding bond as well. I'm looking forward to it. ☺