All Journal Entries
Journals
Previous
|
Next
OMG I am going to go ****** crazy
Nov 05, 2009 03:07AM
- 0 comments
So my mom is coming into town tomorrow evening and my boyfriend and I are again fighting because of trust issues. I must know, how much of this is my fault. I know that in my head i blame and abuse myself most of the time but I think it is becuz i don't have a regular counsler to talk to anymore. I used to go to a counsler once a week and she would give me tools to help myself not to lash out as I do now when I am angry. But she would also put me into check when I would blame myself for something that was not my fault. She would tell me that I deserved to have more or be treated better in some instances where I thought it was my fault. I have to know, am I ******* crazy because I want the man that I love dearly home every night by 9pm? When he goes to work at 7am? I know he is busy and his job is stressful and I really want to be the loving one that he comes home to but I go crazy when he stays out past 2am and so on... Here was this past week:
Thursday: he sent me a txt and I called him up on the phone and was angry cuz he wanted to run a favor for a friend of his, this drug dealer, instead of coming straight home. I said if he wanted to do it he could always take me with him. I could tell he was getting upset... and i was upset... (I guess my problem was that he had told me that when he started this new job, which he just started on Tuesday of this Thrusday week, that he was going to be home every night at 9pm-cuz he has a huge habit of not coming home until 2-5 or even 6 or 7am in the morning sometimes - there is an additiional story to that) Here it is Thursday, Wednesday eve he showed up about 9:45 or so, and now he was going to run this errand that would take 45-2hrs (but his 45 min to 2hrs are always TRIPLE that time) and I was upset and said no. So now I look and am made to feel badly because I said no. I think it is becasue of the meth, if we were not smoking, I believe in my heart that he would be home on time. AND he was supposed to (or I mean we) were supposed to stop smoking after he started this job. He did come home, we ate dinner but he was still upset that he did not go and surely made me feel badly, or I allowed myself to feel bad.
Friday:Same thing, email telling me that I was not going to see him home utnil later and he had txt me at 9pm telling me was going to be home hour 1/2 later and he never came home.Never came home, stayed out until 7:30am THE NEXT MORNING! He had told me at about 9pm that he was runing an hour and 1/2 later, so 10:30. Well instead of me bein all nice, I said called and txt a million times and asked why he was going to be late. He never responded to me until I stopped txting him and told him I was leaving the house, then he finally txt me at 4:08 in the morning accusing me of ****!!!! Let me check my txt, he says I was already accusing him of cheating. it was not until 2:15 AFTER i HAD NOT HEARD ANYTING BACK FROM HIM!!!!!!! AND HE SAID I STARTED ACCUSIN HIM OF being with someone early that evening... but it was ****** 2:15 bfore i said **** about a *****!!! he totally blamed that evening on me for him staying out all night, and then he comes home and tells em he was watching this video that he was going to show me this evening (friday eve) that was me on it buying drugs from this guy that I had slept with once when he was living with his old girlfriend. I can't believe it.... I remember that Saturday morning when he was saying that i was accusing him but I got stupid and agry and could not control my anger and started making accusations. I just couldn't understand why this first week had to get so ****** up so quickly. Saturday he did not come home until 5am or later, sunday he did not come home until about 4ish, monday he did not get home until 3-ish... and tuesday he did not get home until 2:30 then we made up and on Wednesday he was supposed to come straight home or at least that is what we had agreed on... and i wokd up at 9:30/45 and called him like crazy.. txt him and then I fianlly took some sleeping pills and went to bed. He got home at 11 and I was pissed. so tonight, wed... I am geting all confused, I have to adjust the days later... i just cant' deal with the late evneings.. I guess cuz i can' understnd, but it is ******* driving me bonkers. I mean I wan tto DIE!!!!!!
Thursday: he sent me a txt and I called him up on the phone and was angry cuz he wanted to run a favor for a friend of his, this drug dealer, instead of coming straight home. I said if he wanted to do it he could always take me with him. I could tell he was getting upset... and i was upset... (I guess my problem was that he had told me that when he started this new job, which he just started on Tuesday of this Thrusday week, that he was going to be home every night at 9pm-cuz he has a huge habit of not coming home until 2-5 or even 6 or 7am in the morning sometimes - there is an additiional story to that) Here it is Thursday, Wednesday eve he showed up about 9:45 or so, and now he was going to run this errand that would take 45-2hrs (but his 45 min to 2hrs are always TRIPLE that time) and I was upset and said no. So now I look and am made to feel badly because I said no. I think it is becasue of the meth, if we were not smoking, I believe in my heart that he would be home on time. AND he was supposed to (or I mean we) were supposed to stop smoking after he started this job. He did come home, we ate dinner but he was still upset that he did not go and surely made me feel badly, or I allowed myself to feel bad.
Friday:Same thing, email telling me that I was not going to see him home utnil later and he had txt me at 9pm telling me was going to be home hour 1/2 later and he never came home.Never came home, stayed out until 7:30am THE NEXT MORNING! He had told me at about 9pm that he was runing an hour and 1/2 later, so 10:30. Well instead of me bein all nice, I said called and txt a million times and asked why he was going to be late. He never responded to me until I stopped txting him and told him I was leaving the house, then he finally txt me at 4:08 in the morning accusing me of ****!!!! Let me check my txt, he says I was already accusing him of cheating. it was not until 2:15 AFTER i HAD NOT HEARD ANYTING BACK FROM HIM!!!!!!! AND HE SAID I STARTED ACCUSIN HIM OF being with someone early that evening... but it was ****** 2:15 bfore i said **** about a *****!!! he totally blamed that evening on me for him staying out all night, and then he comes home and tells em he was watching this video that he was going to show me this evening (friday eve) that was me on it buying drugs from this guy that I had slept with once when he was living with his old girlfriend. I can't believe it.... I remember that Saturday morning when he was saying that i was accusing him but I got stupid and agry and could not control my anger and started making accusations. I just couldn't understand why this first week had to get so ****** up so quickly. Saturday he did not come home until 5am or later, sunday he did not come home until about 4ish, monday he did not get home until 3-ish... and tuesday he did not get home until 2:30 then we made up and on Wednesday he was supposed to come straight home or at least that is what we had agreed on... and i wokd up at 9:30/45 and called him like crazy.. txt him and then I fianlly took some sleeping pills and went to bed. He got home at 11 and I was pissed. so tonight, wed... I am geting all confused, I have to adjust the days later... i just cant' deal with the late evneings.. I guess cuz i can' understnd, but it is ******* driving me bonkers. I mean I wan tto DIE!!!!!!
